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Thirty

Thirty, not exactly in prime,
the science, the cause and effect,
the religion, the fracture defect,
the life that swings
between motion
and distance affect
no more than a stub crushed
under feet.


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Comments


  • ArtFullyMe gold member
    May 20, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    do you need the break after swings? and the in? could you break it at between and make motion and distances on the same line?

    never mind me.. that part just stuck for me..

    I don't like the 's' on distance either

    but I like the way this captures much more than the paragraph itself..

    a gritty, nothingness..

    the last line reads a bit awkward for me.. but I love the image.


    • Ink Shadow
      May 20, 2007

      Edit | Reply
      Though motion and distance have been purposefully separated, and so is swings (action) from the next line, but I can see your point. Removed the extra "s" on distance. Thanks for your thoughts!