Whispering ghosts,
stained with some ink-marks
and suffering, traveling through type
a song dies, and haunts me.
Crying out a plea to be free,
released from life
caught in the hype, beauty screams
a disgrace on this page.
Chasing the names of things,
raping the essence,
until the signs become normal
and the real thing's a slave
to the past,
echoing nothingness
etched upon apparitions
of what was once alive.
It's no surprise
that shadow's revered,
this sneer to the muttering
classified as ripe, by tortured souls
who sing.
Author notes
a true ghost story
A contest entry
- The very, very best. (I mean it.) by Profesh.
875 points, ended October 3, 2007, 56 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - For the love of god CONFUSE ME by h202.
450 points, ended February 10, 2008, 63 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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Rhythm -- when observing bamboo, one is to get the feel of the rhythm of bamboo; when a bird, the rhythms of its bird-life, its walk, its poise, and its flight.
First of the Six Canons proposed by Hsieh Ho, in the sixth century---
"The fusion of the rhythm of spirit with living things",
and:
Certain defects are necessary for the existence of individuality.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
"the secret of the art lies in the artist himself."
anonymous 12th century critic.
{} indicates possible deletions, () possible sustitutions.
Whispering ghosts {to the atmosphere,}
stained with {some} ink-marks{ conspire the fear}
and the suffering, travelling through {type}
a song dies, {and haunts me.}
--traveling (sp)
Crying out {a plea} to be free,
released from {artificial real-life} (Life)
caught in the hype, beauty screams
a {digital} disgrace on (this) page. ("the," or "a")
Caught in the hype renders (artificial real life)
as redundant.
digital confines a Universal condition.
{Always} chasing the names of things,
raping {the essence of these} rhythms,
until the signs become normal
and the real thing's a slave
::This a very good verse, the possible deletion of "essence" here
as Rhythm is "essence.":::
to the past tense,
echoing nothingness (echoes, as verb)
{etched} upon apparitions
{of what was} once alive. ("That were"
(It's no surprise
that (the)shadow's revered.)
Might consider putting this first, it kinda gets lost in the shuffle, and it's kinda important.
{Uninterested hosts satellite} this sneer,
feigned with a link, {chance sightings are rare}
to the muttering, classified as ripe
from tortured souls, this (brings). (being?)
Something more succinct might benefit that first line,
I'd rather just see "this sneer"
Chance sightings seems to dangle--
How about:
this sneer to the muttering
classified as ripe by tortured souls:
this being.
Be aware of the essential--words have a tendency to gorge on themselves.
Note that my "suggestions" are a generic reaction to syntax, ie "the common"--all art must pass thru the construct of "you". Personality is the key component, the filter through which the "spirit" must pass. The rhythm is modulated by the individual wave.
and so forth...he said puttering about.
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"Rhythm Is Essence"---Yes
Impossible to capture, to do it again/to produce again in real time, as every time's a thing in itself (?)
even Reason* can't record the impetus at the time that made the musician assemble the waves it captures...anyway; I'm off out for a boogie before my head explodes
*Reason being a bit of music kit for the computer -
aha! Firstly, thank you very much for this considered attention! It'll take me a while to digest/adjust, yet it strikes me that your comment "Be aware of the essential---words have a tendency to gorge on themselves." is very true...I'm aware of losing the essence through repetition, yet I naturally 'drum it in'
individual wave's part of a polyrhythm *she said, while trying to ignore the thoughts for dinner*
If you don't mind; I'll be back to think this through
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"uninterested hosts satellite this sneer" is an awesome line. excellent. that whole stanza is actually really good. yeah this is great, full of good stuff. interesting.
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well, first off i enjoy how you disregard completely any notion of traditional phrasing and grammar. it works great here. just about every line is excellent, so it's hard to point out any, but i like "released from artificial real-life". i like poetry that plays around with its own ideas like that.
so at the end, when you say "and I show something forever chained" i feel like you're saying that what you write is always destined to be shunned and cast aside as untrue, or nonsense, as most ghost stories are. so if i'm near the truth good job with the ending. god there is so much to say but there are a ton of entries that i need to get to so for now this is a finalist that i'll probably comment on again.
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thanks for the great compliments and sensible synopsis---
I was coming from the angle of - art is a copy of beauty; already past
but like the previous comment about 'satellites', I would agree with your angle as well
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Lovely. I believe this might be the first ghost story I've read on AP, and it proved to be worthwhile. I particularly enjoyed how you wove "digital" and "satelite" into this, since apparations can be discovered through those, or at least the orbs. =P
Good luck.
animated ♥ -
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thanks...I didn't know that!
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the last two lines are excellent... agood ghostly write with good imagery and language...well done
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Sweet prose of the paranormal. You used words that are not overplayed or too common in most poems, which made it stand out and pleasurable to read...the story line was awesome, as well...thanks for this entry, poet!
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"beauty screams, a digital disgrace on the page" - love that zinger of a line. A good, creepy tale! Good luck in the contest.
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