Caught alone
between somewhere and nowhere
whining like a motherless child
yearning for warmth.
Comfort found in a bottle
carried light on
southern breeze.
To parched lips
and weary mind
drink deeply.
Sleep away this crisis of mine
tucked warm in newspaper blankets
and pinecone pillows.
Sleep away the icy fingers
of dirt toothpaste gritted in baby teeth
raw winds and midnight downpours.
Discovered too late
by drunk lovers
who I am.
A contest entry
- You know who you are... by Nicole Hanna.
11000 points, ended June 8, 2007, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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this is a good piece of writing ... nice work, and good luck ... *cheers*
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enjoyed this. the images were very clear to me. the character was made apparent to me at the word whining. the words seem to move in this. vivid. it's surprisingly warm. lots of color, for this reader. very nice!
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Well...Being a judge in this contest has opened up a window to read your work and I must say , it is rather yummy to think that there are so many good writers out there that I have not taken the time to read yet. What I found most lovely about this piece is the use of quiet and reflective poetry...It's not harsh around the edges but rather it has a richness to the words...Like they were always meant to be simply honest. Your punctuation is well done and it's not overloaded with imagery and doesn't stick in a bunch of comma's just so it can be " old school ". A lot of writers like to use so much filler that the poem comes out rather dull. However , This is a moving poem.
My one critical observation would be this:
" To parched lips
and wearied mind
drink deeply. "
- I don't think the double " ed " words are helpful here. I would recommend scratching one and maybe deciding on something else...Possibly a word that means the same thing in the same context. I bring it up because the rest of the poem is so thoughtful and smooth...That little jaggy is just so fixable.
I am going to read more of your stuff in the future outside of this contest. Yippy.
Take care and all the best ,
James
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Thanks for the extensive comment and the suggestion James. I like your idea, and frankly, it didn't take much of a tweak to drop the second ed and retain 100% of the concept lol... wearied to weary
Andrew
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0.0 Interesting.
I didn't exactly understand it at first...I think I still don't. I reread it. I actually think the part I don't get is "Dirt toothpaste gritted in baby teeth".
I'm guessing this is about someone homeless...? I don't know...I would like an explanation, because it IS a good poem, I just don't understand it too well. But your choice of words were very nice.
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"whinin like a motherless child" reminded me of an incident when I found out I was pregnant. I was the first of all my mother's children to have a baby. My sister-in-law, when she found out, pounded on our front door, then cried on my mother's shoulder because she wanted to be the first one pregnant. LOL I know that's neither here nor there, just thought it was funny what poems will make you think of. It's amazing the levels I can read into this poem (despite my own memories). I really loved this. It was melancholy but not depressing, if that makes sense.
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Thanks Nicole...
When reading my stuff, It doesn't matter whether you feel what I feel or or you feel what you feel, just so long as it makes you feel. Tho I still don't know who I am... do you? (surely the birthday cake gives it away)
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