Thawing winters grip
Melting waters feed the land ~
Giving green shoots life
Author notes
This is an anonymous contest. Please do not use my name. Thank you.
In a list
A contest entry
- Back to Basics Haiku by azure85.
790 points, ended June 6, 2007, 53 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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How lovely - nature helping each other out
lol. Fab work Sue, I love the word 'thawing', and the way you imagine 'melting' to be slowly oozing out across the land. Wonderful!
best wishes as always
Autumn Whisper
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Definitly an excellent piece, I love how You've displayed this. It's all green as I've just noticed
Sorry that you did not place in this contest
Bandaid. -
Thank you for entering our workshop.
Thawing winters grip
Melting waters feed the land ~
Giving green shoots life
I see that you have done some revising already. It would be very helpful to the judges if you could keep the original and all revisions until after judging. That way we can see how you revised and made it better each time. The one concern that I have with this haiku as it is above is that it starts each line with an -ing word and that seems to be a little redundant. it is also not neccessary to title a haiku. Normally the firdt line is substittued for the title. -
I'm thinking if you simplified this haiku to a sense of a single image of the spring thaw, maybe by something such as an icicle dripping on a crocus head, you'd project the scene much better in the eyes of the reader. Right now it feels rather broad, and I think by focusing on a smaller scale of this scene it leaves a larger impact.
Hope this advice has been helpful, and best wishes in the contest!
Jo -
Welcome to Back to Basics!
A nature haiku:
Thawing winters grip
Melting waters feed the land ~
Abundant new life
For L3, could you provide an image of this, it seems to be a statement. Focus in on the images, and the feelings will flow with the words. Thank you for your entry and good luck in the contest.
Susie -
This is so condensed
and full of powerful imagery
you have managed to capture the essence of
new life aaand natures nurturing cycle.
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Springtime Haiku, most excellent. This is one of those that you can almost touch, it leaks with visualization.
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This is a very beautiful piece! It's so hard to get a message across with so few words! Great write and good luck in this contest!
-HD
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wow! this is so cheerful and brilliantly written! great work here! keep the pen rolling, lots and lots of love and cheers, shuvi
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Yes...
Wonderful work!
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