slatted blind makes stripes
on soft summer sun blushed cheek
eyes flicker then close
Author notes
traditional 7,5,7
Please read my other contemporary version of this haiku 1 and let me know which you prefer...thanks
before revised:
bright summer light striped
across warm pink cheek aglow
eyes flicker then close
A contest entry
- Back to Basics Haiku by azure85.
790 points, ended June 6, 2007, 53 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - biggest contest in allpoetry history! (i hope) need 1,000 entries!! by Gasp.
1300 points, ended July 11, 2007, 638 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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this is very true..........i hate to sAY.... but I m just starting to get my life back togeather........
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Heehee, for the points I am going to comment on this one too. I really love the feeling that this haiku brings, very nicely worded. I shall give you clappy dudes for this
Bandaid.
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Thank you for entering our workshop.
slatted blind makes stripes
on soft summer sun blushed cheek
eyes flicker then close
Rather than reitterate my comments from the contemporary, I think that the same comments would apply here also. I just feel that in haiku, less is usually more, but many people will disagree with me and say that you should stay with traditional. You have to be true to yourself and if you are happy with the way the haiku sounds to you, than it is correct for you.
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Welcome to Back to Basics:
Ah, the traditional version. I think my suggestions for the other would hold true for this one also. It will be interestign to see how you revise them. Thank you for your entry and good luck in the contest.
Susie -
Nice haiku. I love these things -a lot-. To me, it feels as if the summer glare is just to much and is forcing the subject to stay their eyes. The 'ah ha' bit, outlined in the rules, is certainly captured there.
Excellent.
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