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haiku 1

 

 

summer sun shines

on blind striped pink cheek

eyes flicker, close 

 

Author notes

Revised version:

1. summer light sriped
warm pink cheek
eyes flicker,close

2. through the blind, summer
sun shines ribbon shapes on cheek,
eyes flicker then close

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 6 of 6

  • Girl With Guitar silver member
    June 16, 2007

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    A very cute haiku. I loved the second revised and the entered one. Great job here, sorry that you did not place in this contest.

    Bandaid.


  • Pollycheck
    May 24, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Thank you for entering our workshop.

    through the blind, summer
    sun shines ribbon shapes on cheek,
    eyes flicker then close

    It appears that you have already revised this. If possible could you include the original and all the revisions until after we have judged. It gives the judge a great insight as to how the poet arrived at the final and how it was improved with each revision.

    It looks like you are staying withthe traditional 5-7-5 haiku, which is fine, but many times the traditional haiku sounds awkward because you are just trying to get the right syllable count.


  • azure85 gold member
    May 20, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Welcome to Back to Basics!

    An interesting haiku:

    summer light striped
    warm pink cheek,
    eyes flicker, close

    I see where you are going with L3, that is very good. In L1, how is summer light striped, can you provide an image for this? And I do not think you need "warm" in L2, if the cheeks are pink, you know they are warm because of the seasonal reference. Thank you for your entry and good luck in the contest.

    Susie


  • Myao
    May 20, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Is this not a repeat of the same poem, but with a comma added in line 3?

    Edited to say: I like your second version of this better. I'd remove this one from the contest entirely, though =)


    • swanridur
      May 20, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      thanks for your comment........one is contempary and the other is traditional I wanted to see what feedback I got. I know which one you like then.......SR


  • shuvi
    May 20, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    very beuatiful, and cuuute!!!! all the best in the contest, keep the pen rolling, lots and lots of love and cheers, shuvi

1 - 6 of 6