I’d like to cup your face in my hands
Whisper ever so gentle,
a soft midnight breeze.
Your lips on my lips and I sigh
every time you walk away.
I’d like to explore you.
Every inch of beauty from
head to toe, and hold you,
lift you up on a pedestal
where you belong.
I’ll bet it’s been a long time
since you’ve been that high.
The repercussions are great.
Lives and careers at stake but I
cannot help being in love with
your smile.
Your laugh makes it worth it,
every day and I devise ways to
make you giggle.
I’d like to run off with you.
Into some sunset in some place
far away from here- with no
lives and no careers and no
repercussions
Some sunset, where all I see
is the smile in your eyes
and the innocence in your laughter
wrapping me up
and keeping me warm.
Author notes
It's new and needs work. Please critique.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
-
"lift you up on a pedestal
where you belong." - overly cliché. The "pedestal" has been done to death and you just added to the rubbish with this line.
It sounds like a girl who's learning how to write, wrote it. Don't mean to be harsh but .. have you read it?
It seems as if there's a "carefree" attitude about it. I think it could be written in that guise without it sounding like it does. The "pedestal" part needs to go. You can rewrite that to be less cliché.
So does the next two lines after it 'less you can rewrite the "pedestal" part to where it can entwine with those two lines but even saying that I think those two lines could be worked on to seem less "childlike".
The part where you use the word "giggle", the entirety of that part seems as if a young girl wrote it. Perhaps that's the inner you writing. And that's fine, but, there are lines in the beginning that make it seem as one person's writing it and then it lessens from there into some juvenile stage.
The repetition of "lives and careers" and "repercussions" etc., is too much. Saying it the first time is understandable in what you're writing, in the "carefree" arena, but, a second time just seems nonsensical, no?
This needs more than work, it reads as a draft and drafts need a lot of work.
-
-
Thank you!
This was an experiment of sorts. Someone asked me to write something on their behalf. I don't... um... write in this style in general. Of course, I did write it, and of course, it does suck. Thank you for ripping it up. I don't know if I'll revise it, which means I'll probably take it down.
I guess it's so cliche' and... light because I didn't write it for me.
But- your critique is exactly why I have you on my friends list.
-
-
I actually couldn't believe you wrote it. It's like me reading my own work from 1992-2002, I can't believe I wrote those poems. If I could destroy them all, I would. But, I can't. Not that I don't want to it's just 3 websites have a bulk of them and they don't look like they're going anywhere anytime soon.
eh.
You seem to be a "sensory" writer, to me. I'd keep to that.
-
-
-
Very touching you show a lot of love in this piece.
-
Very well written. you expressed your love for this person very well...and it was very touching. I enjoyed reading it...thanks for sharing.
i have to agree ... Heather
-
wow that was nice
-
It is not often we see such a soft side of Tiffany.
First of all, I have to say that I understand this piece completely, and have had the same feelings myself (and I am sure you are aware of who those feelings were/are for).
The last stanza bothers me here, because the smile in your eyes and the innocense of your laighter are cliche. I wonder if there is another way to show it? -
Needs work? Maybe a little, but it doesn't quite make a difference because it made me smile ^.^ The only line i don't like is "is the smile in your eyes" makes me think of an eye with teeth..... that's rly odd lol... the line is so common, the point is to try to be creative and make new lines that no one has done before.... stand out and speak out, your words are heard. ^.^ this was great I'm glad i'm smiling ^.^
-
Holy crap, if this didn't hit me EXACTLY where I am living right now, this second, so I am hesitant to suggest a change to anything that sucker punched me so beautifully. but I will try, since you asked. In the fifth stanza, try a dash after "worth it" and then drop the "and" in the following line. Love the finish because it reaches me, but "smile in your eyes" is a little cliche, and maybe a metaphor or simile for the wrap and warmth lines. I love how this can be about love, sensual but not sexual, but then maybe not. Well done. Making me cry and yearn at the same time, gets max applauds.
-
Very Sweet
Very well written. you expressed your love for this person very well...and it was very touching. I enjoyed reading it...thanks for sharing. -
this is a very nice piece of work,I can feel the love you have for this person and the warmth in which they make you feel,keep up the great work!
Adding your comment:
1 - 11 of 11
