fish awaits dinner
fly zips along the ponds glass
oops! no more waiting
revivision~1
dinner awaits
fly zips along glassy pond
oops! no more waiting
revivision~2
circling the fly-bait
the fish and fisherman
waiting on dinner
revivision~3
circle the fly-bait
the fish and fisherman
waiting on dinner
Author notes
haiku:5/7/5
In a list
A contest entry
- Back to Basics Haiku by azure85.
790 points, ended June 6, 2007, 53 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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fish awaits dinner
fly zips along the ponds glass
oops! no more waiting
Hi there! I read all your attempts. You have worked hard for each. L3 needs some editing. Also, if you stick to ponds, then use 's. What I would firstly suggest is that you use the name of the fish instead of using the general "fish" word...Example:-
a crane watches
smaller fish eat breadcrumbs -
Now think of a suitable L3 for this.
Also, I saw you wrote in the 5-7-5 syllable format. I'd just like to share with you that this need not be followed. As long as your haiku is under 17 syllables, it is fine. -
Ooh! I like it! Interesting idea, of the juxtaposition implying that the fish took the bait >.< I like the comparison w/ the fish and the fisherman too-lovely image
pegle -
Each different revision of this haiku is great. I'm sorry that this did not place but it is a good piece.
Bandaid. -
Thank you for entering our workshop.
fish awaits dinner
fly zips along the ponds glass
oops! no more waiting
revivision~1
dinner awaits
fly zips along glassy pond
oops! no more waiting
revivision~2
circling the fly-bait
the fish and fisherman
waiting on dinner
I see that you have been busy revising your haiku. I think that each revision has gotten better and made it a better haiku. One thing that might enhance it a little is if you could some how change one of the -ing words so that it is not -ing. Just something to think about. -
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thanks
I revivised and took the ing off one of the wds. Thank u for stopping by and taking another look. Kendhal22
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Couldn't resist passing this along since I had it in my graphics-stash:
Jo -
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Thank u
I like the graphics, and can use the codes? Kendhal22 -
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Hey Kendal...I don't know the code for the graphic I posted in my comment to you, but it's one I picked up a http://www.gifs.net a while back. I don't know if the codes may be available at the site...???
I've read the comment left you to the latest revision, but in my mind it reads better if "circling" and editting the last line to "wait," but only my impression.
Looks good!
Jo
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Hi Kendal! I had read your haiku yesterday, though I was only able to sign-on to comment tonight.
Again, I like the image of fishing you have conveyed in this haiku, and in my reading I'm sensing an image of both the fish and the fisherman. I think you could really pull off one moment of time by combining the two, maybe something as the following:
circling the fly-bait
the fish and fisherman
waiting on dinner
I don't know if "circling" is the right word for the fisherman's line as he might bob it in the water, but I'm think it definitely works for the fish...and the middle line runs on with the first but also lets an image of both the hungry fish and fisherman hungry for that fish be seen together and separately also fitting in as the A-HA moment of the last line.
Right now I'm seeing two moments of time in your haiku, before the fish is caught and then the fish being caught. I think by the example, it narrows it to one moment of time. Lemme know how you do.
Jo
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Thank u
I will use the information. Thank u for commenting and stopping back by. Kendhal22
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Welcome to Back to Basics!
A fishing-ku:
fish awaits dinner
fly zips along the ponds glass
oops! no more waiting
I see you have written traditional, which is fine. In L2 I would flip the words around:
fish awaits dinner
fly zips along glassy pond
oops! no more waiting
Is the fish waiting for dinner, or looking for it? You could make the image clearer in L1, and still keep the syllable count. Thank you for your entry and good luck in the contest.
Susie -
This is strangely like another poem in this contest, though this ones 'ah ha' is very blunt and to the point. I'd recommend, if possible, a more subtle approach.
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Thanks
I'm glad you liked. Thanks for critiquing. Kendhal22
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