Dawn's light
body stirs slowly
mind clings pillow
Orginal:
Dawning sun
bodies rising slowly
mind still sleeping.
A contest entry
- Back to Basics Haiku by azure85.
790 points, ended June 6, 2007, 53 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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You know what, I adored both of these equally. As I am reading through the entries to this contest, I' quite shocked to see many of my personal favorites didn't place, and then others that weren't enjoyed as much by myself that are placing and receiving trophies. Oh well, my opinion didn't matter in this contest I guess!!
A good write here, sorry that you did not place,.
Bandaid. -
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Thank you for the kind comment. Judges are entitled to their opinion.
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Thank you for entering our contest.
Dawn's light
body stirs slowly
mind clings pillow
It appears that you have made changes to your haiku already. If you could, I would really appreciate it if you could keep the original and the revisions until sfter the judging is completed. It would make it much easier for the judges to see how your haiku developed. I read your comments that you were getting conflicting comments. This will always happen in one of these workshops. Remember you have to be happy with what you write. Take all the comments under consideration and then decide which ones you would like to incorporate. There is no absolute right and wrong when it comes to writing and everyone will have a different idwa on how to make it better. The biggest thing to remember is to be true to yourself. -
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Went back and think I manage to put the original haiku in the entry. Thanks for the comment.
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Dawning sun
bodies rise slowly
thoughts dent pillow
Three statements, somewhat unrelated. It is difficult to see the images here - how do thoughts dent pillows?
Dawn would not need the word sun in line 1
Line 2 confuses the reader - haiku is about an observation of real things in the real world, so cannot be zombies. Is it two bodies or hundreds, sorry I'm confused.
Alan -
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Thanks for the comments. I'm still learning. What I'm trying to talk about is morning, your body is awake reluctanly, but your head is still asleep. It was never suppose to be about zombie. I keep tinkering, but it seems like each change, I get a differerent comment that says that change means something different. But I do appreciate the help.
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penman - thanks for replying. I am also still learning haiku and commenting helps me develop my own skill - I'm glad you took it well - some don't
Ok - here we go - this ain't perfect but just to give a feel for simplicity and being able to read more into haiku than the words (which is the point)
If I took your thoughts and wrote -
dawn
rising slowly
my pillow
what images does it conjure up?
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I like the idea, but seems too simple. I wouldn't make the connecting with what the pillow meant myself. Kind of seems to need the mind connected in some way. But I do think it is helpful
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Welcome to Back to Basics!
An interesting haiku:
Dawning sun
bodies rise slowly
mind still asleep
Well, I read the comments below to give me a clue, I guess it is zombies. Anything is possible in poetry!
L3 is a statement rather than an image, could you show me how their minds are asleep? Polly and I will stroll by later to look for revisions, thank you so much for your entry and good luck in the contest.
Susie -
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Thanks for the wonderful comment and suggestion. This wasn't really about zombies, just how the other reader percieved it. I'll try to revise the last line after giving it some thought.
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A haiku about zombies. Interesting =)
I like. -
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Hadn't thought of it to do with zombies, but I can appreciate how you would. Thanks for commenting.
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Very clever Haiku. As usual so much penned ion so few words and how very true!
All the best to you
Gaylene
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Thank you. Hadn't tried this form before. So had lots of suggestions in the workshop that helped.
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Wow!!
Ok Haiku King
Love this one too
Wonderful job on this one!!
Wooooooo hooooooooooo
Best wishes to You in the contest
Many blessings too
and my Love
~ Desire~*~
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I sure had lots of great help just getting this one finished. So I can't take full credit for its creation. Thank you sweetness.
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I went through Haiku school several times and have the book..Haiku for Dummies...and I still need help
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I always need help, er, darn you were talking about Haikus.
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-looks around-.....
I have a surprise for You
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I like surprises. This isn't April 1st I hope.
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Yes, Pen...This haiku captured that moment that most everyone can recognize those first moments of waking. My only suggestion might be to edit to get rid of some of those unnecessary gerunds--("ing" endings) which should be easy enough and they only add extra syllable-count anyway.
dawning sun
bodies rise slowly
mind still asleep
Cool 'ku and best wishes in the contest!
Jo
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Thank you Jo. Fix the ing endings. Really appreciate your help.
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I like this, short and sweet.
Have a beautiful day and good luck in the contest,
FallenPoeticAngel -
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Thank you for the great comment. Wasn't sure if I came close to doing it right. Hope so.
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