origional
two tom cats
sniffing ONE butt
fur flying
LeeL
revised
two tom cats
sniffing one butt
fur flies
LeeL
Author notes
Just trying to have FUN
A contest entry
- Back to Basics Haiku by azure85.
790 points, ended June 6, 2007, 53 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 30 of 30
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Very cutre haiku. I love kitties so much. My stepmother's co-worker named Lorri that she has 13 cats. I think they are indoor and outdoor cats. So Lorri loves cats.
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A cute haiku.
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Fun is definitly a word that should be in everyone's vocabulary. Great job here, the revision is great. Thank you for this piece
I'm sorry that this didn't place,
Bandaid. -
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Hi BandAid
Just having fun with this form
Thank you for liking the revision
I think I will stay with words of impact
Rick
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Thank you for entering our workshop.
two tom cats
sniffing ONE butt
fur flying
This is definitely a different haiku. One of the pleasant surprises of the haiku is that it can be very subtle. I think that capitalizing the whole word ONE in the haiku took away a little of that mystery. I also think that Susie gave you some very good advice and trying to eleminate one of the -ing words. -
Welcome to Back to Basics!
A kitty-ku:
two tom cats
sniffing ONE butt
fur flying
Well, this does present a good set of images. My only suggestion would be to change one of the -ing words, maybe L3 to:
two tom cats
sniffing ONE butt
fur flies
Or something along those lines. Thank you for your entry and good luck in the contest.
Susie -
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Susie
I thank you for your thoughts
I made the changes
Looks fine to me
Rick
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It would depend if they were sniffing another cat's butt. If they sniffed mine they would be in big trouble.
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Ditsy
Cool
Thank you for your thoughts on this
Rick
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haha ha!!
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Hi
My thoughts exactly
Ha Ha
Rick
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Too cool
This made me laugh. I can see the picture clearly. I'm sorry I didn't comment the first time. But this was awesome. Good luck in the contest. Kendhal22
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Hi Kendhal
I was having fun, Thank you for saying awesome
The form is messed up so I don`t expect much here.
I call this stuf Hakies...lol
Rick
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So unlike your normal poetry. Hee hee...I love the imagery in this one.
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This is totally different
Like pounding nails without a hammer
My cat is a little scraper. All the cats on the hill used to be Orange with stripes. Now all the new kittens are Black like Ebony
That tells a story as well
Rick
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Forgot to clap
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Hehehe! Up on a chimney Kitty sits - Tomcats meow
I often see such moments so why not write a haiku, it's great fun! -
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Mayflowerbg
I was in a mood to play
Thank you for reading me
Rick
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You amuse me, and I'm glad to see that you've made this one for pure amusement
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Myao
This is just for my own amusment
and any others that care to smile
Rick
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Dear Rick...
Only you, hon.
Okay, can we officially call this one a hackie and not a haiku? LOL
Having the number of cats I do, I can vouch that they do indeed sniff each other's backsides sometimes. I think they learned it from the dog though, who seems to have a fascination with such things.
I like the little double meaning you've put in this.
I think Jo is right that this tells about more than just one moment in time, but I can't think of how you might word it and not lose the fun aspect of the poem. But if there IS a way, I'd be willing to bet someone will come along and leave you a suggestion.
Happy Haiku writing, my friend!
Much love,
~J.
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Sweet Trista
I did one serious verse in the workshop,this I did strickly for fun
I think it is one event cause I can`t picture
the events being seperated by more than a few secounds
So there
Rick
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this could be taken two ways...great job on this! did good for a belly laugh! thanks for sharing! keep writing! God bless you always
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Hi Deb
If I made you laugh
I got my moneys worth out of the verse
Rick
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You aren't right...lol
Thanks for the laugh
Michelle
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Hi Michelle
Sorry I aren`t right, I am working on being right in my spare time
So I`ve got that going for me
Rick
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One thing I do love is cats as a theme of haiku--They just seem to define the terms of "conciseness" of this form by their nature.
I'm not sure about that middle line...I've had cats--(all female cats mind you), but do cats sniff butt like dogs? I've never seen that myself, though I have been witness to many a cat fight--(neighborhood strays).
I'm thinking to keep it to ONE moment of time...No pre-fight preliminaries but down to what I saw in your haiku:
tom cats
the fur flies
in-between
Not to same it's any good, I think by what I've exampled, it's not the moment of cat-fight or before or afterwards, but maybe just the moment when those cats' hairs are all up on end and the hissing and growling is going on which is before, during and afterwards.
Jo
P.S.: My own cats never fought being peaceable window sill-types.
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Hi Jo
That is a lot of cat information for 8 words
My cat would work fine for the verse as is...lol
Thank you for reading my words. This is just for fun
Rick
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Good grief lol. This is defiantely unique lol never would of thought of this. Well done becoming a pro on Haiku, keep it up, looks great.
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Hi Vic
Just having fun with this in a loose form
Glad you like it
Rick
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