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Mosh. Datta. Dayadhvam. Damyata.

Mosh. Datta. Dayadhvam. Damyata.
I-Mosh
Under starlight
exists the silent valley
Under Orion
between the wasteland
and Elysium
lies the Kingdom
of never ending light

God divided the light
from the darkness
and it was the gift upon
the world
From the East the light came
shimmering

Shimmering over
the blooming hyacinth valley
and blossoming rose garden

He birthed plants
and He gave hope
(The World was born)
(The world was born once)
Six days
and the World rendered
splendid images of utopia
as whales became beasts
and walked along the valley

  Oh Bestia!
  Homo hominis!
  Mirabile visu
  Gloria In Exelsis Deo

Beast rose to man
From four legs to two
  Homo hominis!
And on the 7th Day
was the day of splendor
While Eden's seeds were planted
Man was born
and from his breast
came woman
and from her
came life
  Ecce homo
  ecce homo
  ecce homo

  Homo nudus cum nuda iacebat
And there they lay
in the womb of Eden
Knowledge planted
to give Man life
Life given
for hope
God wove gold
into the ground
so Heaven connected with Eden
Fingers crawled
Hands lifted
from roots of hope,
touching the sky
to grasp the light

Temptation ripened
but the multifoliate rose
was still a seedling
  in utero
Morning brought the awakening
Noon brings the consciousness
Evening brings the breath
Night brings sleep
Life was born
in six cycles

Six cycles brought life

Augescunt aliae gentes, aliae minuuntur; inque brevi spatio mutantur saecia animantum et quasi cursores vitae lampada tradunt
Carpe diem

II-Datta

Stepping into the Rose Garden
through icy doors
A brave new world upon this land
darkness to light
thy is done, Kingdom done

Early spring in the cruelest month
yet comparable to a summer's day
Viewing many glorious mornings
but never like the one of birth

Sipping ambrosia, but never
so sweet as the honey
in the Promised Land
Icham Gode of the holy londe

the voice in the trees said
as we passed by
examining the Rose Garden
Sitting on the river bank
near the tomb stones
where the roses lie
We sipped the honey joyfully
in this "puddle-wonderful world"

It's spring now
Under the Dreaming Tree we sit
heart in heart
White light and silence kisses our lips
Under the Juniper Tree we sit

The air serene and blessed
with sweet nectar and ambrosia
in the mandrake field
and hyacinth valley
White lotuses and black hyacinths
Lotus boy
Hyacinth girl
and Mandrake child
in the Kingdom of the
Honey River
and the Juniper Tree
in the Kingdom of Elysium

  Horas non numero nisi serenas.
There was the copulation,
and the blossom
and the withering
of the Genesis
There was creation
perfection
then temptation

Proposals of insanity
by serpents in the soul
Ab ovo usque ad mala.
ab ovo usque ad mala...
non omne quod nitet aurum est
ab ovo usque ad mala...

Eat the apple
eat the apple
nice and ripe
to feed the wicked
Eat the apple
eat the apple
this is the way
the world ends

Walking between years
Wind shakes trees
of whispers and
nocturnal secrets
Temptation hushed
by ripened lips
and coy perfection
spoken in the wind

Between 1 and 0,
The chasm and
the genesis
between the Inferno
and the Kingdom
is the pasture
of temptation
and the valley
of the Hyacinths

III- Dayadhvam

Breeding despair from the dead land, the waste land
dried roses grown from sand

and a promise

Fire kindles the future,
Inferno swallows the end

summer sun, summer sun
Juniper trees burn

Ring around the Juniper tree
Juniper tree
Juniper tree
Ring around the Juniper tree
smoldering in the sun

And Mother Nature confessed
the murmur and the memory,
the idea of the Exile

Mother Datta confessed
the world will end---the world will end

lead us to our deaths

Mary, Mary, Mary
marry us with war
and give us one last breath

Here we rose the dead
from silt and sand
and iron and blood
and called them Hyacinth Children

Born from the spasm
and the promise

Apple core eyes
reflect creation

perfect and temptation

Little children,
little children
born from the spasm


and the promise

Born from where the lotuses
plow the loams ashes,

the dirt death sowed
between the dreams

The loam where the dead roam
and hide their bones,

and hide their memories

Where the dead cultivate
ruination.  To spread the light

Let there be light
and there was light.

II
I am the Alpha and the Omega
we chant in the presence of the Lamb

With hands of steel we shall build
Jerusalem from the loam,

to pray to two caterpillars.
Bodies of salt and sand
and iron and blood
 
  In their names we pray
  Amen.

Let's play Adam, let's play Eve

let's play Moses and part the Sea
of despair.

      The sea that divides
      dream from dream, life from life,
      memory from memory.

In the memory, in the dream
let's learn the meaning of death.
Let us learn to pray


and cross the River

where bodies crawl,

heads bowed, salvation lost
between the dreams

Let's learn the meaning of resurrection

and the sacrament [between the laughter
and the prayer]

III
    Father forgive me
    for I have sinned.


    Amen.

IV.
In dark's stillness we breathe

lies across the hyacinths,
that you gave me last night,

Night spreads across the lotuses
Petals remain motionless

except from the conception
of the

        fear

Let us pray in
shadows
to the bones, to death.

[Let Death
reap the shadows,
rape the idea.
 
  For death sweeps all
  including Hyacinths.

There exists only wasteland

in shadows,
world of the underworld
below the mind, the convoluted mind.

Dreams dissolve in the universe
sprawled out across the eye.

In black smog the idea crumbles.
Let us revel in revelations

in hollow valleys where hollow souls
crawl across the Juniper branches,
picking burning leaves.

We wear despair, flesh colored,
from flood to drought
to flood again

and enigma in the rot.

The Earth dies
the Earth dies
the Earth dies tonight.

Touch the ghost,
hold the shadows
pray to the invisible idea.

    Let God be with you.
    And also with you.
          Amen.

The face was upon the smog

Resurrections smog

Damnation's smog

Death's smog.

Choking heavily
on the world
held upon the wicked's shoulders

Hold life from hours to years
hold life from hours to years.

Hours to years---


my friend.

V.
Ash falls on
Wednesday,

as we speak to
the dead.

We rise on Sunday,

invisible to the
naked idea.

Cultivate the mire
in the hollow land,

the godless land

Oblivion falls in
crimson and black.
Tasting tar and oil


mixed with rot and
disease

The River, the Ganges River
where we pray
where we sacrifice ourselves

Putrid thoughts poison
the blood
and we kneel
waiting

on deaths shores

Forgive us
we have sinned
Percavi

VI.
Fires rage and burn
across the war, across the world,

sprawled out across the eye.
Tonight the damned
the wicked and the broken
blink.  Darkness

consumes the motionless
There was the spasm
and the silence.

There was the scream
and the emptiness.

We are hollow men
we are dead men
we are the damned,

walking blindly
woken from tombs
of false beliefs


From carbon to uranium
from the egg to the apple,
forgive our trespasses

in bread and blood,
and deliver us from evil

Sympathize
for temptation
brought shadows
upon our existence


Forgive us
Father
for we have
sinned
Deliver us from
evil
and give us
salvation

Amen


Damyata
I
Across the dream mind
we thought in slow motion

talking to three women
about the life and the soul

In the city of God

In another world,
unrealizable here on Earth


we pray


Kingdom Come, Elysium
where we live and love

at the hour of our death


Now and at the hour of our death

The tower where we wedded
the City of God

with the convoluted mind

lies in ruination,

and the city of gold



is gone

No words to speak
No reason for words
in languages spoken
backwards
in fragile hymns
of dishonor
Honor broken

Bow down
to defy the Word
Reword the Word
in disillusionment

as the Generation of Secession
sips this bloody wine

We drink our forgetfulness
and elude the green light
of memory

The murmur and the memory
of the past of sin
Let it be forgotten

Now and at the hour of our death

The damned
are fed their cake

Let them eat cake

Kya tum mere saath aaoge ?
Mein tumhare saath aaunga.

In the present in the past
Kya tum mere saath aaoge?

In the garden and in the dust
Kya tum mere saath aaoge?

In Heaven and in hell
kya tum mere saath aaoge?


Mein tumhare saath aaunga.

Amen

Can we die
like words die
like time dies
like bones die

bones we scraped
and bones we curled
and bones that built the light

Can we die
in death and dung
in food and drink

in amen's

eat cake
drink wine

marry heaven with hell
good night

II
In open fields
mankind lies scattered
Words are scattered
around the fire

Round and round
round the fire
in circles and constellations
Harvest came
and Harvest passed
and here we rise
and here we fall
round the fire

where Harvest burns

And wouldn't you feel
the faith
and the disease
the enigma
and the God

are you a statistic
on the cross

Blood our drink
blood our food

sacrifice us
in wasted years

thanks be to Adam
Eve
and God

Amen

To slay the righteous
with the wicked

between the spring
and the winter
and the apple
and the egg

the bodies sit

Sightless eyes
and sickly roses
we preach together
in the Kingdom
of purgatories
where backwards words
are the word
in the ruination
of the word

The word of eviction
and exile

III
Tower fallen
into the loam
of dying and death
and rebirth and life
where we, the dead
hide these bones
hide these memories

and scatter the air
scatter the words
scatter the fragments

The voice of our exile
spoke in light
and divided the darkness
but left no path
in the ruination
No path of light
carving gold
from the red

the red of our blood

and our sins

White and blue
long forgotten
to redeem
the whispers

the whimpers
of the universe
before the bang

How will
the world end

IV
Last night God gave us lotuses
and brought the evening
brought the fog
the winter breath
Long ago the fire
stolen from the sun
was extinguished
and our livers have died
our livers have died

Yet we still eat
the flesh of the lamb
and drink the blood
and eat the bread
and drink the wine
all consuming
all believing

all skeletons

We twist the meal
that controls our souls
swallowed to feed
the memory

Incantations of amens
in the Unreal City
Here we pray to Belladonna
and pick our lotuses
and our hyacinths
from the blood

From the blood
of the blooming dreams
the youth and virginity

Mary Mary
Marry us with war
and control our souls
to spill the years

Christ forgive us
Amen

V.
A Deo et Rege
A cruce salus
In dubio pro reo
we die

In dubio pro reo
we live

In limbo
we await
this judgment

Sympathy before the ash
Hope before the slaughter

VI
In the Twilight Kingdom
we bow our heads in sleep
fearing all that lies behind
our eyes

In the mirror
is the mirage
In the wasteland
is the nightshade

In the nightmare
is the fear
Forgive us Father
the Shepard is near

Show us the Faith
as the cleaving wing
divides perfection with hyacinths
within the dream


I see Angels
surrounding me
in this veil
I try not to see
the crooked contemplations
of my wrongs
between the resurrection
and the damnation

You don't understand
and you don't
own my soul

VII
Licking salt from
the wreckage
as we dream in
labyrinths
trying to find a way

out

out-out-out

In the Black Tower
we raise our heads
to the night

and to the raven

Raven Raven
Purgatorial seduction

Under oath of the Devil
we cry as poppies bloom,
and nightshade opens

miracle roses to the

damned

    Descent
    Annihilation

The multifoliate rose
    opens

I see Angels
surrounding me
covering me in

    veils
of innocence

Napalm oblivion
falls, burning
the eye

    the dream eye

Caged to this ruination,
in the city

in the tower
before the guillotine

of imagination


VIII
Give us this day
our daily bread

and forgive us our trespasses
as we forgive them

that trespass against us.


And we feel your power
and your glory

but in this Kingdom of death
in this Kingdom of twilight

we sleep on purgatories
we sleep, fogged by

    karma

Mother Sunyatta
gave me my lotus,
and called me lotus boy

Consciousness now lies
in the convoluted dream mind

as the final candle
kindles and extinguishes

out-out-out

VIIII-
Here we lie now
in Elysium,
in the silent valley

Author notes

*is finally finished*
Yay
For the newest contest, option 1: Intended to make you think.
Contemplate religion, society and culture.

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 34 of 34

  • hilly
    January 17, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    there are a few reasons i didn't like this poem.

    -no translations. much of the poem meant nothing to me and many other readers because you have no translations. that would be useful.

    -the length. fuck.

    -and we have so many poems like this about the same things. religion has been rendered meaningless by all it's overuse.

    the poem does nothing for me, except irritate.


  • Heavenly Angel silver member
    December 8, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Took me a while to read through this but I think you did a fine job with this...whoooaaaa
    Well done!
    Wishing you the best of luck in this contest!


  • Glasyalabolas
    October 9, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I'll need to re-read and re-read this piece to soak up all the thoughts and ideas contained within, though this is the beauty of long-form poetry.

    Long-form poetry is something you don't see too often anywhere anymore, especially on sites like this. It does not matter the style, whether it be epic, narrative or long prose, today's propensity towards short attention spans is killing this form. I am just as guilty of it as the next man, we don't always have the time or the attention span, but it is imperative that we cannot let long poetry die out.

    Great write and congrats on silver.


  • Danna Hobart
    August 11, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    This seems to be a condensed version of the Bible with a twist of evolution thrown in for good measure coupled with some other texts and philosophical lines of thought. There are several direct Biblical quotes here that you have not credited. If it is three or more words directly quoted, then you have to cite them or it is considered plagiarism.


    • Hadji Murad
      August 11, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      To be bluntly honest, did you even understand the depth of this poem, or did you read it to the shallowness of plagiarism...

      1.) Then I guess all the best poets who have ever existed are nothing more than plagiarists. Eliot? Yeats? Heany? Waiiiiiiiit, they are
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      NOBEL PRIZE WINNERS
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      So you are saying that the best of the best are nothing more than plagiarists...themselves? Hmmmm, NO

      I dare reconcile this poem by saying that in poetry, it isn't copying

      it is alluding to.

      Poets do not "cite". This isn't MLA. No body cares, and no body will ever care. If you think people are going to "cite" their sources...then you are sorely mistaken.

      Just read something by sir Thomas-Stearns Eliot...arguably the greatest poet since Milton...

      Oh, in the words of Eliot:

      Immature poets imitate
      Mature poets steal.

      You see, great contemporary work comes from the masterful genius of those before us. The Aenied, the Odyssey, Paradise Lost...Such profundity in literature; and the Bible, the greatest collection of short stories ever composed.

      2.) No, this poem is much more than the Bible. This is a damning poem about mankind and the blatant failure of our specie. We have destroyed everything important, and as a result, we are left with nothing more than the shreds of our existence, coupled with sprawling cities. Art and culture have decayed into nothingness because of problems such as rap music and McDonald's. Today only intellectuals find an appreciation for classical, jazz and swing music. That is only the beginning. You see, we have reamed our planet, depleted its resources and then left it to burn when we are finished. Perhaps I am a cynically misanthropic existentialist...but mankind is just a selfish, hungry specie that has manipulated everything until it is no longer the way it was meant to be, and until everything lies in complete ruination. Religion is the parallel: Eve consumed the apple, Cain killed Abel.

      Man couldn't even successfully build the Tower of Babel.

      We call ourselves a success, but we have been a degenerate specie. Evolution is imperfect...we aren't even near the top as we selfishly believe ourselves to be. No, far from in fact. One pandemic and all the glories, all the gold...

      is gone.

      All it would take is one small asteroid...We are the weakest link, goodbye. But other species can surely survive AND adapt to such destructive climate changes. Mammals have accomplished such feats in the past. But people would complain because it's "too cold" and "they don't have their cell phones" How does mankind adapt to such sudden and severe climactic shifts...

      when mankind is too selfish and ignorant. We stupidly believe a nuclear weapon could destroy an asteroid. That is incorrect. In fact, it is nothing more than a Hollywood pill that has been jammed down psuedo-cultural throats.
      We have built empires, and we will watch them fall. We have risen as a specie, and we will eventually perish.

      The sun was born so it shall die.

      So please, before you talk about how this is nothing more than the Bible...understand why I allude to the Bible in the first place. The Bible is a great testament to mankind's struggle and floundering in the breeding cess pool of despair. We have dived off the shallow end of the gene pool and we have come to manipulate everything and anything we can, only to end in such tragedy and loss.

      Thank you for the lovely comment and the kind removal from your contest...


  • Sabir Abdus Samee
    August 5, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    I liked your poem.


  • Cerulean Sunrise gold member
    August 1, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    woah with added WOAH!
    Freakin' amazing piece here.


  • Florida Sunshine
    July 20, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I am fairly good with languages. I know a little bit in many language... I think I read spanish and latin. I wish your authors notes would had included your translations in case i was wrong. If I'm correct, then I still had misunderstanding in some of the translations cause I haven't learned the word. Thus, it makes it really hard for me to judge this piece in all fairness, simply because my translation of what I think your saying could be far off... or on the money...

    Thanks for entering my contest ~ Good luck to you!


  • neurosine gold member
    July 13, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    thy is dosn't make much sense..maybe thyne is done...I don't think the white Lotus and Black Hyacinth grow anywhere near each other...but hey, who I am I to disassamble your dichotomy?
    And hey, I don't know nearly as much Latin obviously, and couldn't even wade through the whole poem. It was lovely, but quite murky in so many places. I sort of hoped something would spring out and bite...but no. Anyhow...a great write for anyone who has the patience and accumen to read it. Unfortunately, at AP, you're gonna get alot of that's greats and other suchnesseses from people who probably didn't read and/or comprehend your piece. But maybe you'll get some real responses from people who do. I think, given the limtied audience for your piece, that's good.

    take care,
    Neurosine


  • phillicity
    July 13, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    That is a good poem keep it u


  • cherche -d -ame
    July 13, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    First I will say that I am quite impressed with what I did get through reading. On the other hand I will admit that I had to give up about halfway through [due to the length] I know that is my loss, but it is very early morning here, I have not had enough coffee and nothing further would have really sunk in , or had the impact that I am sure it deserved {I do hope you understand] and if time allows I will try to return at some other time,
    reenie


  • narcissist
    July 12, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    I still love this poem, and it does what the contest asks-- very well.

  • heartdripsblack
    July 12, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    this was amazing. ~ hdb.


  • shirk
    July 12, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    You are a better man than I, I tell you.

    For two reasons.
    One, because I am actually not a man, but a very well disguised female who's wearing a fake beard.

    And two: Because you write long poetry so fucking well.

    GAHAHAHAH *shank*

    Tis not fair.

    This whole poem is gorgeous lovely.

    Forgive me the dissection until tomorrow.
    I am tired and my brain chemicals are like WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH.

    But I will come back and finish dissecting it.

    I swear.


  • sleepingINblackRain
    July 3, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Amazing

    And that you did, this isn't the type of poem that you can just read, you have to think, reread sections evaluate.

    I think it was marvolous
    Took me forever to read though, bet it too you even longer to write. Just out of curiosity, how long did it take you

    and how many langages did you use
    I though that bit was brilliant, It gave it life.
    All the thought put into this still astounds me

    The religion, the talk of it seemed to progress through out the poem, liek peoples veiws of it


    "The damned
    are fed their cake

    Let them eat cake"

    That bit made me laugh, especially the "let them eat cake" i love that line. Not sure, if that is ment to be spun around on governments, but it could be.

    this entire poem was unique and fresh, a very wonderful job.

    The imagry and vocabulary was amazing as well.

    Hope you computer didn't freeze while you were typeing it. haha

    Thanks for entering my contest, You will deffenatly be in my consideration for gold.

    Never stop writeing

    -Taylor


  • buggirl
    June 18, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I hate to tell you this, but I think that I would have been more than satisfied with just the first section as the entire poem. It was beautiful and I loved the flow and rhythm to the entire piece.

    Just something in particular, I didn't like this stanza:
    Ring around the Juniper tree
    Juniper tree
    Juniper tree
    Ring around the Juniper tree
    smoldering in the sun
    because it was too unlike the others

    not going to lie, I didn't get through this entire poem. I'm very sorry, and I know that as the judge of a contest I'm supposed to read every entry, but I feel like 853 lines is too much for me. not that it's bad, but it's just not my style. thank you for entering in any case, and I loved the first part, if that's any consolation.

    I don't know if you want to, and I totally understand if you don't because this is your poem and you worked very hard on it, but if you want to submit only the first part of this, just tell me, and I feel like it would do very well in my contest.

    all the best,
    Jen


  • Heavenly Angel silver member
    June 13, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Very long write but creative; quite uniquely written
    I like the creativity
    Thank you for sharing


  • Chelsea Void
    June 11, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    very very abstract but i liked it.
    you presented this theory in such a beautiful way that the long read was worth it.
    i love the combination of latin in with regular english. very nice touch.


  • NickelleteXninja
    June 3, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    interesting, yet excrutiatingly(sorry if it is spelled wrong) long...

    it was worth the time of reading through though

    thanks fro entering


  • ibsons hysops
    June 3, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    interesting


  • Tomorrows Window
    May 26, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    wow, very nice. Very long, but it was a woirthwhile read. Thank you for entering! All the best luck!


  • Goodolenad
    May 25, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    what inspired this? do you know hindi fluently? what other languages do you know? how long did this take? (excuse me for bombarding you with these questions...i'm just curious)

    "Eat the apple
    eat the apple
    nice and ripe
    to feed the wicked
    Eat the apple
    eat the apple
    this is the way
    the world ends"

    that one stanza had some sort of an effect. i suppose all the devices did it, but after reading that one stanza, i really became in tune with the poem.

    this is quite the write. i think it's rather brilliant. it must be. i'm not sure now, seeing as how i'll probably need to read it a few more times, i'm sure i overlooked some tiny wonders. but anyways, i'm sure this is a work of magic. you must've spent a lot of energy and time on this. did you plan it to be this long, or did it just end this way? did you have a set amount you wanted to write?

    anyways, brilliant expression of sentiments.


  • katscradle
    May 21, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    VEEEEEEERY LONG

    BUT VERY GOOD THE BIBLE IN YOUR OWN POETIC WORDS FROM THE ALPHA TO THE OMEGA


  • Nicolette Everett
    May 21, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Definitly Long, But Good

    It is definitly long, but you don't see poems like that and being long is probably why.It was good though and I loved that you used Latin. I have a love for the language. Though I couldn't understand all of it (I'm not fluent in it) I understood some. It was a good poem. You should include an index in the author notes area for those who don't know Latin, but would like to know the meanings. Hope you won your contests too!

  • Looking
    May 20, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    really awesome. i mean when i first looked at it i would have never expected my miniscule attention span to bear it, but you did a amazing job at keeping me interested the whole time. not many other poets can do such a thing. everythihng was great; word choice, emotion, feel, flow, intensity. very provokative and extrememly poetic. outstanding write. thanks for the awesome read, even though i just spent like twenty minutes reading it.

  • in-the-twilight
    May 20, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Wow... Nate this is the longest longest poem I've ever read on this site... but it was pretty good. Great job! Rock oN! xoxo Meg


  • Alexander Hine
    May 20, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    This looks like it is really good, but I only know a few latin phrases, so I gave up on reading it. I think you should really include an index of terms or some such thing, as Latin is no longer taught in most schools.
    There are some beautiful moments here, however, and I feel that you may have some interesting things to say theologically.
    K. F.

  • narcissist
    May 20, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    WOW. that was Fantastic. and... incredibly long. How much time did that take? lol It's perfect and wordy and lovely.


  • fictionfreak
    May 19, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    You dida really great job. infusing the english and the latin really gave it a great feel and whole new meaning. In response to what hahaman said, I would just like to point out that a hyacinth is also a type of bird. I don't know if that's what you meant when you wrote it, but that's how it came across to me. Great job, keep up the good work.


  • combateye
    May 19, 2007
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    Wonderful Write

    Every long but well written. It seems you put a lot of thought and hard work in to this piece. I hope all your work is ike this I enjoy reading it more when you can see the effort it took to write. I look forward to reading alot more of your work. Keep them coming.

  • Lysander Beardsley
    May 19, 2007
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    This poem exudes such great intelligence and inspiration. I won't bother with any sort of positive criticism, considering I'm a novice. I will, however, enourage you to keep up the good work. You should be really proud of yourself for putting that much effort into a poem and having it turn out so well

  • iloveyou4eva
    May 19, 2007
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    it was good

    it was a really good poem, except it was too long..sorry but i tuned out half way thru


  • MoJu
    May 19, 2007
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    Yes, very long. I'm not sure if I know exactly what you mean, but it sounded pretty good to me.


  • CassidyEngle
    May 19, 2007
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    you are a great writter!

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