sun whispers between
its morning glance, pond gaze up
blossom sun bathing
revivision~1
softly as sun breeze
morning sparkle its reflect
blossoms sun bathing
Author notes
haiku:5/7/5
In a list
A contest entry
- Back to Basics Haiku by azure85.
790 points, ended June 6, 2007, 53 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 59 of 59
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A gorgeous haiku.
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thank u
thank u so much for liking my ku. Kendhal22
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what a beautiful description! I love it! >.>
pegle -
I really don't know why many people have all of these spaces, it's crazy. I keep losing the actual poem
This is a good write, however I am slightly confused as others are about the pond.
Anyway, sorry that you didn't place in this contest.
Bandaid. -
I'm confussed, too, about 'pond gaze up'. I like the idea about blossoms sun bathing, though.
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My first haiku
I hope to do others, but learning not to put personifications in them. Hope u don't grade me to harshly on my ku. Kendhal22 -
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Any effort is a good effort and I can see that you are really trying to make it good. You are sensitive and that is what it takes to paint word pictures. I am sure that you will achieve the success you desire! Have strong courage and your accomplishments will 'blossom in the sun'.
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I wonder if you meant "revision" if so there is a typo in your piece. The line I had trouble with was "pond gaze up" it took me a while to interpret that and through me off the piece. all in all well done
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Beautiful words, but I'm confused. It's a haiku, but there's too many lines and I don't get the whole revision line.... Pretty but not haiku...
whisper
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Ok
Thank u for commenting. I guess I've got a lot to learn on writing a ku. Maybe u could show me where I went wrong. Kendhal22
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That was good. I am glad that someone can pull those off, I couldn't write one of those if my life depended on it.
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okay. My thoughts toward this is are that it is a little too shlocky. It's definetely got good intentions, but what does it mean? What is driving this poem? This imagery is nice, but the eccessive personification is just that.. eccessive. I like the revision better. It seems more thought through, less typical. I'm interested to check out some of your other work because I'm curious as to what your normal style is. I would recommend, as far as I know about your style from this piece, that you maybe do an exercise in concrete poetry. Write the entire piece fully concrete. No metaphors, no thoughts, no emotions allowed. Just physical objects, things that are scene, no interpretations. It was recommended to me when my poems got too thoughtful. Just, don't analyze. Accept thigns the way they are for one poem, and overexert yourself in it. It could be extremely conventional. If you should choose to do this, PLEASE tell me about it. I'd be honoured to be the first read. Otherwise, yea, just maybe reflect less and write honestly. What is this poem to you? What does it represent? Have you asked yourself these questions? Just something to think about for future poems.
As for this poem: It's a bit short, but it's about quality and not quantity. I like that you included the revision in your entry, but I'm very curious as to your motives. I understand that it's a haiku, so the nature thing works, but it just seems forced. Just thinks to consider. Good work, good luck next time!!
Footprint
. Rewarded 8
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Wow
Ur critizm had me wondering, but there is no motive in my writing. I'm realist who see beyond the norm. I write on how I picture my self in the picture in front of me. I might take things to literal, but thats just me. When I first started writing, was four years ago. I would picture myself there. Most of the time it comes from my life experince. In this day the haiku talks to me which it may be weird, but that is how my expression comes on page. I'm eager to learn new ways, and not to be confrontional how this ku came to life. Kendhal22
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Your imagery is very nice. As with many haikus it takes a few reads. The revision (I assume that is what you ment) confused me at first but mainly because of your misspelling. The poem itself is beautifully imaged as I said, though the words seem flat. It is hard to fit emotion into a haiku but if you can figure out how, it would help. I would suggest trying to use words that have a bit of a more intense connotation than those you have used (if at all possible).
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lovely
I don't have a lot to say...haikus are hard to critique, no? I like the image of "sun whispers" and alternately "sun breeze". -
Thank you for entering our workshop.
sun whispers between
its morning glance, pond gaze up
blossom sun bathing
revivision~1
softly as sun breeze
morning sparkle, its reflect
blossoms sun bathing
I definitely like the revision better than the original. Line 2 seems to be just a little awkward for me and hard to understand. Do you think that line 3 might be getting pretty close to personification with the sunbathing? Just soemthing to think about. -
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Ok
If change this around it will change the whole outlook of the poem. I'm satisfied with the changes made. My opinion its perfect. Kendhal22
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haikus are such a delightful form of poetry and here you have presented the natural alure of the haiku just wonderfully.
with is subtle words shift you changed the amtosphere...just like the dawn.
Bravo!
Marianne
. Rewarded 4
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WoW! awesome
I'm so happy with all the wonderful critiques given here. I finally got how haikus are suppose to be. Thank u for this gracious critique. Kendhal22
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I've never been a lover of this form, but this certainly speaks volumes in its beauty. An extremely calming piece of poetry.
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Thank u
I'm impressed of the gratitude and the critique here. Thank u for tha applaudes. Kendhal22
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very good
like a morning in a park, forest, etc
so much
it seems real
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Wow
I'm solely moved by the responses of my haiku. Thank u for the applaudes and the comments. Kendhal22
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Radiant!
This was exquisitely enchanting
and tender as rose petals.
I love the grandeur that exudes from
every word. The imagery is sheer beauty
in motion. A eloquently written masterpiece! -
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Thank u
Thank u for the wonderful critiques given here. I'm so moved by the responses to my ku. Kendhal22
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i love the personification! it makes everything so much more real.. very nicely written! i especially liked the "blossoms sun bathing" part. this poem made me smile
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beautiful write, it's just the way you describe it to be.
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great poem!
wow its so short but says so much!plz tell me when you get more poems id love 2 read the and good luck in the contest and have fun writing and never give up! -
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Thank u
I'm touched so much about this ku. It just came to me and reminds me when we used to go camping. That first morning and dew is wet. It just brought back to those times waking up that morning. I hoped u like. Kendhal22
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Very Inspiring!
Beautifully written! It's Not Easy to Get Feelings to Move in Only 20 Words! Well Done! {:-D
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Thank u
U know that is my fav. season. It just bring so much beauty as the wild flowers come in bloom. Thank u for the applaudes and the critique. Saddie23
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short but sweet x beatuiful write x i love whispering i wrote a peom on it myself x check it out if ya like
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Thanks
I will check ur poem. Thank u for commenting. Kendhal22
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simply calms my soul
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beautiful poem, and it paints a great picture in my mind...
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Thanks
I'm glad u stopped by and the gracious critique given on my poem. Kendhal22
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THis is beautiful! Very well written!
Great job!
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Thank u
I'm so moved the applaudes u sent my way. Thank u for the gracious comment. Kendhal22 -
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Again, you are most welcome! They were well deserved!
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WoW! awesome
I'm really so touched of the quick response to my haiku. Thank u so much for the applaude. Kendhal22 -
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=) You're most welcome! It's a beautiful piece!
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I really like this haiku. It's very beautiful and well written. You have done a wonderful job. I have tried to write a haiku, but I fail everytime. Great job!
. Rewarded 4
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Wow!
I'm so moved that I'm getting this much response to my haiku. Thank u for the applaude, and the gracious critique. Kendhal22
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the animation of the elements gives an unconventional vitality to the poem. 'Sun whispers'/ 'morning glance'/ 'pond gaze'/ 'sun bathing'. A compelling piece about morning and its quiet beauty
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Thank u
Thank u for stopping by commenting and critiquing my poem. I'm glad u liked my poem. Kendhal22
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Amazing.
I love this piece of haiku. It's goregous. The rest of your writing is simply amazing as well. -
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Wow
Just so moved from the response to my poem. Thank u so much. Kendhal22
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an interesting haiku, with very unusual use of language here...may take a tad getting used to, but well and ably done all around....bravo
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this is very good well done!!! i like it
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Thank u
I didn't know whether I could revivise this poem or not, but actually was not as bad in the end. Thank u for the critique. Kendhal22
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short and sweet.
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love the Haiku format. It is simple and to the point. I love how you talk about blossoms sunbathing! Great job!
. Rewarded 4
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Wow!
I apprieciate all the applaudes given here and the gracious critiques. Thank u for commentin. Kendhal22
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COOL
This litle gem is right up my poetic alley! I really enjoyed reading and commenting on this briliant piece. I love it!!
POETDONTKNOWIT -
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Thank u
I'm impressed with all the comments from u wonderful poets here. Thank u for the critiques. Kendhal22
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Welcome to Back to Basics!
A haiku about nature:
sun whispers between
its morning glance, pond gaze up
blossom sun bathing
L1-you have the "sun whispers" and haiku do not use personification. Is there an image you can show us to make us see this? Also, in L2 "gaze" should be plural, but that is also personification.
morning breeze
the sun's reflection in the pond
...............
There are many things you could do, you have a nice beginning here. Thank you so much for your entry, and Polly and I will come back to look for revision. Good luck in the contest.
Susie -
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Thank u
Thank u, I will revivise. Kendhal22
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Nice spring poem going on here. Haiku's are one of my favorite, and every time I read a good one I can't help but smile. This contest is pleasing me. Wish I were the judge!
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Wow
I'm glad I made u smile. First one done in a while and didn't know if was going to pass as haiku. Thank u very much. Kendhal22
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