A cold and lifeless body,
A torn and mangled heart.
A sad and painful finish,
Because a sad and painful start.
This story is mine in telling-
A girl who cherished pain.
A girl who has deteriorated from within,
A girl who’s emotions had ever waxed and waned.
They found her dead one Tuesday night,
With the gun still in her frozen fist.
The poor thing had waited long for death,
For by two or three inches of her heart, she missed.
She just lie there in euphoric glee,
As she sucked up her joyous pain.
She counted rain drops as they fell upon her chest-
Happiness was one she hadn’t desire to attain.
Her eyes rolled back and her lips part,
As she took in her final breath.
She laughed herself to silence
And she wept herself to death.
In death she heard the hum of life,
And all she was no more.
She heard and saw the ones she “loved”
A knocking at her door.
Their tear-hued faces shown in guilty remorse,
As they recalled the person they thought she’d been.
They recalled her “happy” face and,
Emotions they’d thought they’d seen.
They whisper amongst themselves using words like
“tragic” while they gesture towards the grave.
Things like “I miss her so,” and
“She must have been so very brave.”
She heard their thoughts as they
Waltzed past her resting place.
They wonder how and why she died,
But no one had found a trace.
The problem with this case,
Is that she held the reasons why.
Her depression didn’t show on the autopsy,
They can't suppose that she wanted to die.
They whisper to her kind things they hadn’t said,
They whisper kind things now that she’s dead.
They speak of things that they feel were causes,
Between their sobs of reason- long pauses.
But what they didn’t do was read the note
That she’d left in the barrel of the gun.
It told them her secret in truth,
And all that he had done.
Author notes
my favorite line is "her depression didnt show on the autopsy"
for contest emotionally screwed- its just the op when you said we can write murders er suicides
A contest entry
- The deepest darkest within by Taintednightengale.
450 points, ended May 24, 2007, 23 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Truth by Painful Expressions.
525 points, ended May 29, 2007, 29 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Show me your heart - I want to feel what you feel by TheDemonEve.
600 points, ended May 31, 2007, 22 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - rhyme.. by my savior-pedro.
650 points, ended June 11, 2007, 10 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Emo(tionally) SKREW'D by as.phy.xi.ate..
900 points, ended December 25, 2007, 56 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - suicide poems that don't suck by aeolia.
380 points, ended January 1, 2008, 104 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Say That Again? by C J Weatherholt.
525 points, ended December 12, 2007, 62 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
what parts could use fixing??
Comments
1 - 32 of 32
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I love the last two lines.
"It told them her secret in truth,
And all that he had done."
There is a grammatical error in line 16 desire should be desired past tense. Otherwise a great read. Thank you for entering my contest.
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truth of trying to leave a message to those that are left behind from taking your life is not fair to them or yourself,
for you it just mean your suffering is done
for them it continues ten fold for then they blame themselves for failing you -
Very impressive.
A lot of lines caught my attention.
Good job.
Drunk. -
Wow, this is a beautiful and well written piece! It's so true. I, myself sometimes wonder the same thing. I really like the last stanza, that was just wonderful.
-Bella
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"She laughed herself to silence
And she wept herself to death." I really like that line!
"They whisper to her kind things they hadn’t said,
They whisper kind things now that she’s dead." That's a very strong line considering people aren't always nice and kind to people when they're alive and then when that person's dead they take it all back and say nice things. Outstanding poem!
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oh my goodness.
amazing...yet so sad. I've wondered that before...I think everyone must at some time in their life...
good piece. -
Your rhyming is pretty good, you started off with a pretty good rythm, but it started to dwindle, and also in the second to last stanza you changed your rhyme scheme.
One of my friends commited suicide, and this made me think of her, i want to thank you for that, she was close to me and... well... thanks
its got a lot of meaning to probably a lot of people out here, keep up the good work, i really liked it ^^
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this was really good. i really enjoyed reading it.
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Well deserved trophies for this piece, and I agree on that line being the best. This is a great write.
♥
whisper
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WOW i think this is soo good
She just lie there in euphoric glee,
As she sucked up her joyous pain.
She counted rain drops as they fell upon her chest-
Happiness was one she hadn’t desire to attain.
those were my fav lines
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I really liked this poem. The line "her depression didnt show on the autopsy" was a great line, probably my favorite. In the past year I've dealt way too much w/suicide of friends and I felt this poem captured a lot of what the reality of it is. (how one feels, how people react afterwards, the things they say...ect) The last line left me wondering who "he" was and what he'd done.....a good poem keeps a person dwelling on it long after they are done reading and you accomplished that.
Thanks for a great write!
-Sarah -
Great poem! Thank You for entering and good luck!I will be considering your poem during judging!
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I do think you put a lot more effort into the 2nd piece. The structure seems much better. Nice job! Thanks for entering the contest ~ best of luck to you!
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this is so sad! i like it!
great job
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super awesome and super depressing. amazingness, much?
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Jason=last verse XD
i will say againa this is wonderful -
Very Deep and passionate
The story was a tragedy well thought out. The rhyme seemed forced at times and the flow was bumpy.This one may answer some questions but it leaves a few to ponder as well. Thanx for the entry & good luck. -
this is a fuckin' awesome ass piece! i love it!!!! i can't point out my favorite part because the whole damn thing was good. great job!!
loves... *kitty*
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This is a wonderful poem and I have lost two loved ones to suicide. I can feel the pain. It is a good poem.
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WOW. I have lost many people to suicide and often wonder what thought last passes through their mind. This truly captures the heart-wrenching pain.
Best of luck and thanks for entering! -
wow i love this, i really love your poetry, your way better then i could ever be! i love this so much!
~!~keep writing~!~
~gasp~ -
This was indeed a well penned piece. Very vivid in detail. Thakns for sharing this and best wishes in the contest.
Vsutton -
Wow
You have penned such an amazing and well structured write i love how easily you draw the reader in and let them to feel your feelings. Great job and best of luck to you in the contest.....Michael
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this was a really powerful write..i enjoyed reading this and like the rhyme scheme that you used this was an awesome write keep writting your talented and good luck in the contest
~Chrissy~ -
this is really good. I like the ryhme sheme alot, but this didnt make scense to me :A girl who has deteriorated from within,
A girl who’s emotions had ever waxed and waned.
did you type it wrong or am i just dumb lol.
lol been and seen do not ryhme if you want to fix that , if not its okay.
lol that is my faverate line too and i love you sarcastic " "'s. well good job and good luck
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Well Done!
I can't begin to even start and tell you how much this poem rocked. It had emotion, description and the rhyming was great. Good Luck! -
Awesome!
She laughed herself to silence
And she wept herself to death.
those are my favourite lines...just one thing, I wondered why you changed the rhyme in the second to last stanza...other than that, I loved it, very original. Well done, keep it up and good luck in the contest. Take care xxx -
Wow
Honestly this is one of the bests poems I've read today. to write something like this and never tp experience it is amazing. I know depression well, and i've thought of sucide often and wondered what everyone wold say if i'd done that. but I didn't and now i sit here in awe of you talent to write something like this. -
I can relate
My uncle did the same thing, 22 to his chest... he died in my grandfather's basement... because his girlfriend of four years left him... he was drunk as well... one of the reason I don't drink myself stupid... Thanks for sharing this tragedy
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Absolutley awesome!!
Ok heres the deal, I am going to leave this in the contest, not as an entry, because in the rules it says that it has to be based on an actual event, but I like it, I can honestly say its the best poem I have read when it comes to talking about your own personal death.
I stand and applaud you my friend.
Good luck in the other contests and I need to add you as a favorite if your not already on my list.
Thanks for sharing.
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you know i love that line right there this was a first rate poem i mean that you did soemthing great here i know i loved it, keep it flowing and good luck in the contest
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They whisper to her kind things they hadn’t said,
They whisper kind things now that she’s dead.
Freaking amazing dude... this is one of your best best best
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