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Melting Winter Snow

 

Origional
 

 .    melting winter snow           

exposing... the soil below

now I can touch You


LeeL

 

 

 

 

 

Rework
 

 .    melting winter snow           

exposing the soil below

now I can touch you


LeeL

 

 

 

 

spring thaw
exposing the soil
your beautiful

 

 

LeeL

 

 

 

Author notes

Just working on my new adventure in verse

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 21 of 21

  • Girl With Guitar silver member
    June 16, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    The first and third are my favorites here. The addition of the fullstops in the first really makes the piece seem to flow better, even though it breaks the flow.
    Great piece, sorry you did not place in this contest,
    Bandaid.


    • Endeavor gold member
      June 16, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      BandAid


      I agree with you on the movement of the piece

      These little verses have more accoiated rules then the US Supreame court. The expression is so limited, I may only use them for abusing the style in folly... lol

      I thank you

      Rick

  • jahschosen
    June 1, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Something I can feel and identify with. I like your choice of words because they can be taken literal or as you had inform another as emotional unveiling. The only thing I suggest is maybe take out the word winter.


  • trista gold member
    June 1, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Hi again Rick,

    I was curious how your haiku was coming along. Do you still think haiku contest winners ought to get only the base of a trophy?

    I see you've gotten a lot of good advice for this, and it's improved because of it. This last revision...

    "spring thaw
    exposing the soil
    your beautiful"

    while I know it keeps the meanings you intended intact, the 3d line is once again more of a thought and not an image. What does beautiful look like? (Oh...but if you do keep it this way, you will want to change "your" to "you're" )

    I don't know how the judges would like it, but how about something like...

    "spring thaw
    exposing the soil
    she undresses"

    I think that might come close to what you wanted? I imagine you are tired of tweaking this, but don't give up yet. I think you are very close.

    Good luck and much love,
    ~J.


  • Tishu
    May 21, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    melting winter snow
    exposing the soil below
    now I can touch you

    A little heavy on verbs for haiku - melting, exposing and touching. Contrasting images work better if possible but choosing the right words is difficult.
    In line 1 the word winter is superfluous - 'snow' shows us it's winter.
    Line 2 does not need the word 'below' - soil is generally below snow.
    Line 3 is more of a personal thought rather than an image.

    It may not be what you meant but to put this into context: -

    spring thaw
    exposing the soil
    my hand

    Just as an idea - hope this helps

    Alan

    • Endeavor gold member
      May 21, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      Hi Tishu

      Thank you for taking the time to read my words

      I think I am at a loss for the essance of this writing style
      Frown on Metaphors, heavy on the verbs, Geeee Wizzz.. whats left for me...lol

      I like thoes extra words, thay aid my secound and third meaning

      I will rethink this considerably
      There may be another way where I can still say somthing of value
      Let me think in this

      Rick


  • Maya Lyubenova
    May 20, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Too much telling in "melting" and "exposing", I suggest finding a fresher way to show the snow's melting exposing the soil. Are you going to grrrrrrrr at me?

    • Endeavor gold member
      May 21, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      Hi Mayflowerbg


      Happy Grrrrrrr to you... lol

      Exposing is cool to me cause I have another meaning in mind
      This is not about winter or snow, but more change and inner being. I did set the season in the first line though... OK

      I may be working with the wrong art form I am learning

      Let me think on this

      I very much appreate you thoughts to improve this attempt

      Rick


  • Myao
    May 20, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Good little haiku, though I belive it could do without the elipsis


    • Endeavor gold member
      May 20, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      Myao


      The elipsis are gone, see the secound revised version

      I thank you for commenting

      Rick


  • trista gold member
    May 20, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Hey, I forgot the clappy bunnies!


  • Pollycheck
    May 19, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Thank you for entering our workshop.

    melting winter snow
    exposing... the soil below
    now I can touch You

    This is a very nice haiku. Do you really think you need to have the periods in line two to create a break?
    I also wonder why you capitalized You in the last line. Are you refering to God? If that is the case, you are getting very close to a metaphor, which are normally frowned on.

    • Endeavor gold member
      May 20, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      Mr. Pollycheck

      Thank you for commenting

      I am learning this cause a good friend loves this form, Trista

      I will remove the dots, it matters not, I wanted the reader to pause

      I wrote this with several meanings, some mentioned in comments.

      I caplized the word You because, she is as important as I, and I am caplized

      Rick


  • michellemybelle gold member
    May 19, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    All facades melt away, leaving only the beauty of the soul, exposing the true being.
    lovely, much meaning in a few words
    love,
    Michelle


    • Endeavor gold member
      May 19, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      Hi girl


      Thank you Michelle for seeing withing the words

      I am trying to adapt to this methoud

      Love, Rick


  • PassionsPromise gold member
    May 19, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Hey, I actually got something out of this one lol. Not meaning anything bad, just three lines and it well painted me a great picture. I read it and took it one way then again i read and came up with something different. The way the exterior of a person is stripped away, and the beauty of the soul, theperson within. Funny how i got that from this.
    THE EXTERIIOR ONLY A SHELL FOR WHAT MATTERS MOST< THE INSIDE... THE SHELL ONLY VISIBLE AND INTACT TIL LIFES TOLLS DETERIORATE, AND THE ONLY THING LEFT, IS THE SOUL OF THE PERSON WHOM HAD LOVED YOU REGARDLESS OF HOW YOU LOOK. THIS WAS AWESOMELY PENNED.
    A BEAUTY TO REMEMBER.

    • Endeavor gold member
      May 19, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      Vic


      That was the missing third inturpation that was overlooked

      I appreate your depth of mind

      I thank you

      Love, Rick


  • ScarletO gold member
    May 19, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Very nice thoughts within this one. This is one of those kinds of haikus that can be taken two different ways. I like that technique.

    • Endeavor gold member
      May 19, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      Hi Scarlet


      Thank you so much for reading this

      I hope there are at least three ways to view this

      I love multiable layers of thought

      Rick

  • trista gold member
    May 19, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Hi Rick...

    I tip my hat to you for adventuring into the land of haiku. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em, right? LOL I like this a lot and think it has great potential. You start out with a strong image in the first line, but the last line seems more like a thought...will be interesting to see what suggestions judges have for you. Best of luck to you in the contest Hon. I think you will learn a lot from the workshop format of this particular contest.

    Much love,
    ~J.

    • Endeavor gold member
      May 19, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      Hi Trista


      I looked closely at what you saw in my words

      I made the changes and suffered the words to new

      This is harder than my first estimate for so few words

      I thank you for your thoughts

      Rick

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