Third Revision (Final)
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morning sun
between tree branches
birdsong
~*~
Second Revision
~*~
morning sun
between tree branches
birdsong rises
~*~
First Revision
songbirds consort
sunlight dappled through trees
spring's splendor
~*~
Original
birds serenade day
sun filters through branches
spring splendor
A contest entry
- Back to Basics Haiku by azure85.
790 points, ended June 6, 2007, 53 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 18 of 18
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I love the changes that you have gone through for the final piece. Also I couldn't help but notice just how much it changed. Change isn't always a bad thing
Good job, congratulations on the Honorable winner
Bandaid. -
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Thank you
I appreciate your kind comments, I love the workshops, they have taught me so much! Thank you for your kind congratulations. Come join us next time.
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Oh, you've really worked on this one and your final Haiku shows so much in its imagery and I wish I was more experienced at Haiku, but I do much like this!
Good Luck in the contest and all the best~
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Thank you!
Just keep entering these haiku workshops and read up on all the differing opinions and in time you get the experience. I love haiku, it is a form of disciplined writing, its a grand feeling to know you got it right too! Thanks very much appreciate your comments and applause.
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Forgot to leave you these--It looks GREAT!
Jo
P.S.: OOPS! It seems I did leave you those--But it still looks GREAT! LOL -
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Here have these instead
Thank you Jo, think I will take Alan's advice and lose the verb, otherwise its staying this way, I am entering another today, still waiting for my haiku moment! I have to go outside to get one, time to garden again.
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morning sun
between tree branches
birdsong rises
Well done Dawn - a great revision which has a pivot line 2 rather than a caesura, allowing the reader to choose the break in syntax.
I like it
Alan
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Thanks Alan
I lost the verb, as per your suggestion and I like it! so this is my final rendition of this haiku, now seeking my next haiku moment to enter one more, who knows if I have two moments maybe two! Thanks!
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Hi Dawn...I really like the picture of your haiku--Especially since it seems I have a nest of some chittering birds that have nested in the air-conditioner vent this spring. Gosh, do baby birds ever get up early in the morning!
I think maybe to bring the sense of sound and sight together might create more an A-HA moment in the closing line of this haiku...Maybe something like:
sunlight
and birdsong
through the branches
I think a verb that will work for both the birdsong and the light can really pull the two together. It probably could go verb-less, though I think including some perfect word really would seem to pull the two in.
No expert on this form, but hope I've been helpful and lemme know how you do. Best wishes in the contest!
Jo
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LOL
In my opinion ALL birds get up too early! The first sign of daylight! I sleep on the 2nd floor the trees are right outside my bedroom windows and the head of my bed faces the windows. I have a bird's eye view of the birds and EVERY morning whether I like it or not they wake me up. So I decided best I get used to it and enjoy it a long time ago. I like your suggestion, I do think it needs a better aha moment, sound would help too. The day I am attempting to describe was beautiful, I am trying to capture it. Thanks for the honest review, always appreciated
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I love your revision compared to the original, even though the original wasn't bad in the first place.
Songbirds consort. Excellent beginning. -
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Thank you
Thanks I appreciate your opinion, it helps to have all of them you can get! Thank you!
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I see you have been revising, and Polly left some excellent advice. Your revision looks lovely.
birds serenade day
sun filters through branches
spring splendor
A lovely haiku about the spring, thank you for your entry and good luck in the contest.
Susie -
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Phew!
Think I am done with this one! Sorry it took me so long to get back but I forget whether it is anonymous or not! Since my name has been used I assume it doesn't matter. Thank you for another great haiku workshop! I think I missed the last one, I pulled a hamstring. Spent days with my leg on ice alternating heat. Spring finally sprung!
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Oh, the revision is lovely! I am sorry to hear you were hurt, I hope it is better now.
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Thank you
I am fine now, just can't stretch too far yet. My dog jumped the fence, so I went over after her, I had to pick her up and throw her over and I got my pant leg caught on the fence on my way over and fell. (my fence climbing days are over!) Thanks for asking!
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Thank you for entering our workshop.
birds serenade day
sun filters through branches
spring splendor
This is a nice topic for a haiku, but lines one and two both seem to be more of a statement rather than that of an actual image. Do you think you could reword the lines just a little to make them less of a statement. -
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Thank you Polly
I am sorry it took so long to get back, but I am never sure whether it is an anonymous contest or not, since my name has been used I assume it doesn't matter anymore, thank you for your suggestions, I have already done a few revisions, I think at this point I am satisfied. Thank you for your assistance, always appreciated!
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