White clouds
changing shape, floating by
an angel
In a list
A contest entry
- Back to Basics Haiku by azure85.
790 points, ended June 6, 2007, 53 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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Now this is such a soft and angelic haiku. Excellent display of technique here.
Sorry you did not place in this contest,
Bandaid. -
whipped cream clouds / floating by lazily / dessert to the eye
this is what's listed on the contest page -
Oh, I love the imagery of the clouds floating by and there is 'an angel', lovely! I wish you good luck in the contest and all the best!~
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fluffy white clouds
floating by lazily
delight to the eye
The words that detract here are fluffy (?) and lazily (how do you know the clouds are lazy?)
Line 3 is an opinion telling the reader how to feel and does not work in haiku.
Alan -
Welcome to Back to Basics!
A nature haiku:
fluffy white clouds
floating by lazily
delight to the eye
I see Polly has left a helpful suggestion, it is a metaphor. Is there an image you can use for L3? thank you so much for your entry and good luck in the contest.
Susie -
I like this haiku quite a bit. Only one beef though. Lazily is so often used, it almost detracts from the poem. Perhaps a different word?
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Thank you for entering our workshop.
whipped cream clouds
floating by lazily
dessert to the eye
This haiku definitely gives the reader a sense image, but one of the accepted rules of writing a haiku is that you are not to use poetic devices like a metaphor. Do you think you can describe this scene without the use of a metaphor. -
This is a very sweet and pretty Haiku.
Harrisham Minhas
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great
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