revivision`1
summer pond
revivision~2
spring pond under bridge |
Author notes
haiku~5/7/5
In a list
A contest entry
- Back to Basics Haiku by azure85.
790 points, ended June 6, 2007, 53 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 44 of 44
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they were all good, they all conveyed the idea of a fly feast to quite a voracious frog...hehe If that was a prince I will never kiss him lol.
Thank you for sharing this.
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pond blossoms nearby
fly, feast catch its frog jumps to
spring fish swish bellows
This is too long and can't be read in one single breath. So, I'm glad to see you revised this haiku.
spring pond under bridge
hungry frog eagerly leaps--
dinner time junk food
In this poem, there are unnecessary filler words. In L1, "under bridge" and in L2 "eagerly". Also, in L3, "junk food".
How about revising it this way:-
summer pond
the hungry frog leaps -
pebbles scatter
OR
soap bubbles rise
across the summer pond -
a frog leaps
All the best,
Charishma
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I like the "dinner time junk food"! but I think the 1st revision is enough-like that you don't need to add the other description-but it adds a light air to the piece ^.^
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"Dinner time junk food", that is gorgeous. I'm not sure why all the spaces were needed though!
Good piece.
Sorry you did not place in this contest,
Bandaid. -
Thank you for entering our workshop.
pond blossoms nearby
fly, feast catch its frog jumps to
spring fish swish bellows
revivision`1
summer pond
hungry frog leaps--
dinner time
I much prefer your revision to the original. It is a much better haiku. I was just wondering if you could make line one more of an image rather than a statement. -
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Thank u
I revivised this ku. Hope this works. Have another look. Kendhal22
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Reddit?
The revision is better - that makes a sense and I don't just mean in the literal sense.
This will especially appeal to frogs.
I liked it.
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Thanks
I hope u got a smile even though it was bit off. Kendhal22
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I have yet to master haikus but I like the revision
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Thank u
Thank u for commenting and critiquing my ku. First time done in a while. I guess u have stick ur foot in and get wet to see whether u can write one or else. Kendhal22
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mmm...don't like haiku as a rule, but this is not bad...I just can't igure out which one is yours...the top or the bottom...or both. I like the bottom one more...the top one is a bit clogged wih unneccessary words and slightly odd punctuation.
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Thank u
The top one is mine and revisied on the bottom. Thank u for critiquing and stopping by. Kendhal22
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I like the revision better, although the first rendition is more a likened to the older original haikus.
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Thank u
Thank u for the comments and liking my ku. kendhal22
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the revision defintly. Haiku is over my head. I guess iam in a rut
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Thank u
I thank u for commenting and stopping by to read my ku. Kendhal22
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That was interesting. At first I did not understand it, but then I read your Author Note and it made much more sense. Great job.
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Thank u
I'm glad u liked the revivision better. Thank u for the comments. Kendhal22 -
Thank u
I just wanted to be silly, but kinda backfired. Hope u liked the revivision. Thank u for commenting. Kendhal22
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Liked the revision - says so much in so few words. Modern haiku have much less thatn 17 syllables, the fewer the better. It's quite an art to get it just right. Wish you luck in this contest.
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Well done.
Not really a fan of Haiku, but anything well done I do enjoy. Especially the content of this one. I watch nature often. I live by a river and just the other day saw a muskrat scurrying up the oposing shoreline. Well done, keep on writing. Also prefered the revision to the original, second line being much clearer.
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Well Done!
I really liked this - very cute!
I won't be able to write like this - I always say too much or then feel like I haven't said enough.
Keep up the great work.
Good Luck in the contest.
~B~
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i love haiku, but can never find the words to say so much in so little. your words leave me smiling, thank you. i can see him, the little frog. and to be able to evoke that in 17 words is quite an achievement. congratulations.
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Made Me Smile
Definitly a cute poem. It made me smile reading it. I love the basic of it. Reminds me of my mum too, sense she has this thing for frogs...lol. Good write! -
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Thank u
I was acting bit silly that day and felt so good to make someoneelse smile. Thank u for the comments. Kendhal22
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AN INTERESTING USE OF WORDS
VERY GOOD
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the second line, "fly, feast catch its frog jumps to", seems a little mixed up to me but i understand it.
otherwise, i think this is really good.
it's nice.. made me smile
keep on writing! -
A simple yet brilliant haiku, another wonderful piece. I hope to read more from you. keep up the great work
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Thank u
Thank u again for reading another haiku of mine, and commenting. Kendhal22
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Wow.
Thats all I really want to say. -
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Thanks
I had to add some humor to this one lol. I'm glad I recieved a "wow". Thanks for commenting and reading my haiku. Kendhal22
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Fly feast
did I meet the critieria of a haiku or not? -
man. this is boss!
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Wow!
I didn't think I would get this much response. I'm impressed. Haven't done one a while. Thank u for commenting. Kendhal22
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Welcome to Back to Basics!
An interesting haiku:
pond blossoms nearby
fly, feast catch its frog jumps to
spring fish swish bellows
Jo has left some good advice in trimming away some excess words.
Concentrate on the frog, or the fish. nd let your imagination soar. Put as many revisions as you like, everyone will leave helpful comments. Thank you so much for your entry and good luck in the contest.
Susie -
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Thanks
When I revise I will do like "NoWayJo, said". Thank u for commenting and critiquing. Kendhal22
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I'm thinking in first and second reading that you've created too many images for the reader to comprehend in three lines. I don't want to pick, but you have a pond, the pond blossoms, a fly, a frog. a "swishing" fish--(bellowing??? no less?).
I think if you created ONE simple image of time of ONE image it would very much better this haiku, for instance:
summer pond
hungry frog leaps--
dinner time
My example is not meant as the best of what you could create of this image, but only one of many haiku you might create of these many images.
Hope I've been helpful, and best wishes to you in the contest.
Jo
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Thanks
I will use in my third haiku. U been most helpful in producing this haiku. Thank u for the critical critique. By no means I'm will I take this offensive. Thank u. Kendhal22
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Short and affective for the fly and the fish
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Wow
Tha fish got fed today lol. Thanks for commenting. Kendhal22
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Some very lush words in this haiku, in true haiku fashion. I could see many images through the descriptions, though the word order seems too inverted, and just misplaced, making understanding of what exactly is going on pretty difficult to grasp. I mean, I got it, buti t was not immediately available. Other than that, good work, andbest of luck in the contest.
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Wow
I'm glad u liked. This one I had fun doing and hoping it fits a haiku form. Thank u for giving informative critique and commenting. Kendhal22
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I am sorry that I am unable to give any input on this haiku, unfortunately I don't know a good one from a bad one but I do wish you luck in the contest. Val
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Thank u
I'm glad you liked. Hope this a haiku. Haven't done one a while. Thanks anyway. Kendhal22
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