gold wavelets
glimmer on lake’s surface
stallion drinks
A contest entry
- Back to Basics Haiku by azure85.
790 points, ended June 6, 2007, 53 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Native American Images In Japanese Forms by Mercury Rising.
600 points, ended July 16, 2007, 12 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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I can really picture this scene, both from what was included and what was left to the imagination. Best of luck in my contest, and thanks for entering.
David
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Thank you for the quick response and the nice words, they are much appreciated!
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This is actually really cute, I love the interrelation between the two. Great job, sorry you did not place in this contest.
Great piece,
Bandaid. -
great imagery
It gives the feeling of a connection being made as a need for each other to survive is gained as they co exist in harmony.
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oh, this is such a pretty image!!!!
i just love the "gold wavelets".. it gives this such a serene expression.. and a gold stallion?
wow! 
i can see the reflection of sunset/sunrise here...
capture that in art and people will adore it!!!!!! $ale: million$!
i like both versions... but perhaps i find the second one a teensy bit stronger than the first.
good usage of words.
you should win!!!!
thanks for sharing!
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I like the first or original draft better than the second. I love the word 'wavelets' that you used here. Nice use of assonance in this haiku. I think adding an article, maybe 'a' would work very well before the word 'stallion'. And, I also think you need an article before 'lake's'...I would suggest using 'the'. Also, the hyphen was missing in your draft. Here is how I think it reads best:-
gold wavelets
glimmer on the lake's surface -
a stallion drinks
Very nice imagery in this haiku. A wonderful moment captured in nature. Thank you for sharing.
All the best in the contest,
Charishma
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It's recommended to omit articles when possible, that's why I didn't use them. The dash? Punctuation is considered old-fashioned, too. I also like the original version better than the second, but I had to comply with the rules.
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Yes, it sure is recommended to omit articles where they are not necessary. But, here they are required very much. When I was learning haiku, I had the same question. My teacher, Don(haikumonk), who is a Master Haijin, explained that when a poet omits articles in the haiku, the haiku tends to read like its been chopped...the flow is not smooth in other words. He insisted that articles are a must have in haiku. That is the same suggestion I would give to all budding haijin.
Good wishes,
Charishma
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Thank you for entering our workshop.
gold wavelets
glimmer on lake’s surface
stallion drinks
by the riverside
gold wavelets gleam
I must agree with the comments of Susie and Jo. Ithink that your second revision is much better than the original. My only suggestion would be a question. Would it sound better if you put an article in front of stallion?
a stallion drinks
or
the stallion drinks -
I still like my first draft better, it will take time to get used to the new one LOL Thanks!
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great imagery
this is fantastic, i really liked the first draft, but the revised version is really something, well done and good luck!
floorboards.
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I agree with the others the line 1 should be elsewhere. Gold wavelets could be the sun streaming above, reflecting on the lake, hay floating on top. Anything really. If it is put at the end, it is almost forced to match up with the rest of the poem, meaning we will know exactly what it is.
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Welcome to Back to Basics!
I see Jo has left you some good advice:
gold wavelets
glimmer on lake’s surface
stallion drinks
It is hard to tell where the gold wavelets belong to, and would make a much better L3 for your AHA moment. See what Polly says when he comes by later. This is a very good haiku to start with, thank you so much for your entry. Good luck in the contest.
Susie -
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Yeah, I know I've the ahha moment in the sentence fragment, I'll come back later to think it over. Thank you, Susie!
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Beautiful image Auntie! In fact I think it violates one of the contest rules: no graphics lol
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I very much love the horse image you've presented in this haiku, but I'm feeling for purposes of your haiku the lines may be misplaced to really capture the essence of that image.
stallion drinks
the gold wavelets
of lake
As no expert of this form I don't know if I'm leading you in the right direction, though I hope so.
Best wishes to you in the contest!
Jo
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