Damn You That Was My Flower

I swore I’d never do a blind date but had to eat my words because my best friend (?) talked me into one and it truly became “The Date From Hell”.

He arrived late. Which pissed me off. His nose turned up at the tip (which turned me off) but he had a motorcycle and I love bikes.  I climbed onto the back of his late model 650 cc Kawasaki. The passenger seat was comfortable and the evening was warm and lovely, perfect for a ride. It was early June and the city of Calgary was at her best. Flowers were blooming and the air was fresh and light. As we were pulling away from the curb he said he had to make a quick stop for some gas before we went to a party in the southeast end of the city. I suspected he was either really broke or cheap after he pulled into a full service gas station and asked for only $2.00 worth of gas.  Then he started calling me “Big Mama”.  Now I may be on the tall side but I’m not big and I was definitely not his mama and I have always hated the shit out of that phrase. Sitting at a stoplight, a Hare Krishna a dude carrying an armful of flowers approached us saying “flowers for your lovely young lady?” My date asked how much they cost and when the price was quoted he quickly said “ no thanks”.  The Hare Krishna guy then held out a long stemmed rose and said, “ A deal you can’t refuse, a buck and the rose is hers”  When again my date refused the Hare Krishna handed me the rose and said, “girl, I think your going to need this!” 

As we traveled closer to our destination I began to wonder why we were not bringing any food or refreshments to the party and started to feel uncomfortable. My discomfort increased by the second as we walked up the walk to the front door. My date knocked and as the door began to open he quickly grabbed the long stemmed rose from my hand and handed it to the hostess saying, “Here, I bought you this”. I knew right then that this guy was a schmuck and that I was in for a miserable time. Then I thought about what the Hare Krishna flower peddler said at the stoplight ...man, meditation and chanting must also make them psychic!  What I didn’t know was that I would never again in all my life see so many good-looking single guys conglomerated in one place! And I was with this idiot!  Worse yet they didn’t know it was a blind date and they’d think I knew him and agreed to go out with him!!! It was obvious my date was a a social pariah.  Whenever this loud-mouthed boor of a guy entered a room, people would immediately start to drift away. I was unable to get a word in edgewise and he stuck beside me like Velcro. We were without refreshments of any kind and it became obvious he was a total mooch who also bummed smokes.  Refusing to be categorized with the likes of him I politely declined any offered beverages. After about an hour and a half of “Big Mama” this and "Big Mama" that and having him hang his arm around my neck and constantly shrugging it off, I declared I had a sick headache and took a cab home!

That was my first and last blind date. To this day whenever I am unlucky enough to hear that phrase “Big Mama” I immediately think of that yo-yo and wish I would have bopped him one right in the kisser! "Big Mama" that you loser!