dear daydream opiate boy.

"you are my sweetest downfall
i loved you first, i loved your first
beneath the sheets of paper lies my truth
i have to go, i have to go
your hair was long when we first met..."

it's funny, listening to you not telling me you love me. or even talking to me at all. like the wine glasses i broke on your floor when you told me it wasn't me but you and her. like the breaking of the berlin wall.

i swear to a god i don't even believe in that i see you at the foot of my bed through the dimness. sunset falls across you in prison bars. you say, "i loved your first" and your eyes inject butterflies down my throat. we are the everlasting dreams of each other.

when i open my eyes, you're never really there.

once upon a time we were in this room and we kissed and i watched you and thought you were so beautiful. the way stars are; too bright, too far away, and even if i could touch you, you'd burn me alive. and just old light, a reminder of sun-days and revolutions.

but you're not here.

i smell the ink from this pen and it reminds me of your breath on my lips, teasing me with "i love you"s. the paper in this notebook smells like your skin and i remember how you touched it gently. i claimed your skin! with my teeth and my hands i claimed you dear. are you my god of hell? or are you just my fallen angel? your wings cut my hands.

jim is looking at me saying "we don't have to hurt shaman.eyes" and his hands are so tempting. reaching out from the depths of my waking nightmare to pull me back into grace. he sparkles at the corners of my eyes. when i close them he holds me like neverending and i kiss him hard. oh he is so pretty. he is heaven. he is hell.

last night i had a dream you said "girl.jesus can you carry your cross" and nailed my palms down to the altar of your bed with your kisses. "girl.jesus can you find nazareth". we are samson and delilah and you cut off my hair to expose my weakness. i am egypt and you brought me into a sinning darkness with your flaming bush.

"moses can you flow in a basket back to goshen"

or even "my name is hannah and i can replace you". did i really think i could? i tried: luke comes to mind. but i wanted you to know i was trying. i wanted you to know how much it hurt.

i am your baby girl macabre and together we are a wasteland. my heart shoots straight through my hands when i see you. my throat is so tobacco-scarred but i tried to use it to make beauty for you. how can i not? we are so close to heaven.

i love you so much i could kill you sometimes. i know that sounds drastic but it'd be to keep you mine (keep you this beautiful) forever. we'd be so gorgeous dead.

but that's what i was thinking when i jumped in front of that car. so who knows anymore.