Oh, what a beautiful summer, he thinks
Lush green leaves have blossomed on the trees outside his bed room window
Gorgeous day...it really is a gorgeous day...
His window apes innocence
So clear, it exposes the rest of the world
It taunts him
His window is the guilty one
He hasn't changed the calendar on his wall in months
The dates are wrong
He won't look at it, he won't let the calendar put numbers on his vitality
So he won't change the calendar
The calendar is the guilty one
Every two weeks he must visit the doctor
For a T-cell count
He fails the test every time
The doctor mus be doing this on purpose
The doctor is the guilty one
There is plenty of experimental medicine for everyone
Plenty of nausea, of treatments in vain
It only makes his skin more pale
The medicine is the guilty one
He is ugly now
Days, months and years have passed since he was handsome and strong
But that was a dream
His fingers are yellowing, his eyes are cloudy with pain
His own body rebels against him
Dignity is lost
He is incontinent, he walks with a cane
His body is the guilty one
But he's twenty six
Did that ever mean anything?
Time won't save him now
Time flies past him and he tries to grip at it from his bed
It won't stop for him
Time is the guilty one
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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Actually there are little hints at what he's dying of...if you pay attention and understand.
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Lush, green leaves is so cliché. Can you find a more interesting way to say it? Bedroom is one word.
How does a window ape innocence? I think it could be better said with imagery.
If you’re not going to put the t on the end of the word “must” you need an apostrophe to show it is missing.
I think it would make the poem more interesting if you could contrast the fact that he is dying during the spring, which is symbolic of youth, birth and rebirth. -
This has a very sad and somber tone to it; I think you really started out strong, but once I started to see that it was a repetitious poem, it began to get tedious. I understand the direction to which you're trying to go, but for me, it doesn't seem to work.
I really admire the theme and the direction you took with it.
The evolution was great. There was a great flow between each stanza, and the way the plot line progresses. The beginning opens the poem up fabulously and ending is a great summary.
In my opinion, you could make the line length more even with the stanzas, but creating two lines, where there is only one lengthy one. For example, in the first stanza:
"Lush green leaves have blossomed on the trees outside his bed room window"
Maybe break it up like so:
"Lush green leaves have blossomed
on the trees outside his bed room window"
Anyway, this was a good poem - your wording was pretty nice.
. Rewarded 8
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Very strong and emotional write. so true this is for so many. Who is really the quilty one? we may never know ... for what this person is dying of we do not know for sure. maybe this was just unfortunate and time is the quilty one. Great write!
. Rewarded 4
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Sad but very good write. In reality he is the guilty one. Please tell me if I took your poem wrong. I mean no offence.
. Rewarded 4
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