two old timers
seated at the
breakfast counter
in eagle’s cafe
talk about
the weather
and how if we
don’t get more
rain soon
the crops won’t
come in
they complain
about prices in the grocery store
and a gallon of gas
how mr. edwards
had an auction sale
last week
sold all his equipment
broke up his acres
for a housing development
and grew pine trees
for a government program
titled "set-aside acres"
culture is a foreign concept
and their only brush
with the art world
was norman rockwell’s
paintings on a calendar
in the late sixties
or illustrations in the
farmer’s almanac
and...poetry is that
fluffy rhyme
found between pages
of hallmark cards
In a list
Comments
1 - 30 of 30
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a great poem
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Very good mature work! At last!
I really like your work. I viewed quite abit since I've been on this site. I have a poem named 'charity shop' that I feel portrays similar feelings to this.
Kind regards
Steve
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I love to see your editing here. The second version is of course much better. When I first came to this site, the poet, Judas Denied taught me to steer clear of the word "and". She was so right.
I love the imagery. I can see the entire scene transpire before my eyes. This rustic poem is a value to all readers as it allows us to move away from the hustle and bustle of city life and take a peek at life where things are a bit more serene. Excellent!
Much Love ♥
Renee
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Excellent!
What a wonderful poem about American culture. I tend to visualize what I read so it was very easy to see these old gents; those kind of conversations take place everywhere every day. Thank you. It will help me see that my boring routine might, in fact, be interesting when written the right way! To me, the different version was every bit as good as the first. Very good job.
Return the favor?
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i think i like the secound one better. its simpler, and i often find that the word and is redundent in poetry. you can just go to another line, or put a comma.
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I like this one, it gives the reader a great vision of a story of somewhere else...nicely written with good form, thanks for sharing
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this is really cute, i imagine old poeple sitting and discussing normal everyday issues. but its not a boring poem in any way. i like it alot! i like version 1 best. ill be lookin for more!
~maygen~
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i love it
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Let me spin you a thought...
with the 'ands' in there you lend credence to the poerty being in Hallmark cards. It sounds more plainly spoken in the first version and that adds to the poetic feel of the whole piece. I'm not sure if I'm explaining it very well so let me try it this way. The second write of this would be akin to all of the characters in Westside Story having English accents and still it taking place in New York. I like the first version better
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Thank You
Thank you for your opinion.. Im still undecided myself though and it seems other opinions like the second version better. I do appreciate your input
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I just loved reading it twice, seeing the same two going over the same things again - isn't that what friends do over coffee? Liked this snippet of life in the simpler days - either way is fine with me, the and does not make a bit of difference as far as I am concerned - just one word less. Flowed so well and gave us such an insight into this life of others who are not into poetry., LOL
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I had to really struggle to find the extra "ands"..so either way works. The "simplicity" you refer to here is alive and well all over the world - perhaps a good thing, in a way.. 'spose the trick is to keep the brain out of the rut by changing course every now and then - breaking set patterns, new challenges..?
You've captured the intent to a 'T'.
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Redstormy;
In my opinion the poem would flow better without any and. The removal of one and in the second version didn't add to the poem or hurt the poem. The content of the overall picture from the poem was conveyed very well. I found myself sitting in the country restaurant
viewing the scene. Good job of painting the picture with words. Very talented.
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The second one was better for me its like a friend I had that would say you know after ever phrase it drove me crazy
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Smile
Thank you yes I think that is what was bugging me too
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:-)
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Wow, I really like how you could make real poetry using only simple words, phrases, ideas. You showed your point well, through both what you said and how you said it. This poem is special somehow. Wish I could write such simple poetry so well... simple, not simplistic or easy to write. This reaches some deep issues.
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I love this write!
And the music and the art. I love the simple life. Smile.
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No matter how complicated the world gets it is always great to slip back into a place where time means nothing.
Wonderfully written.
John -
Sound like they are living their poetry, even if they don't know it. The only difference between us and them, is we know what we write.
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Drawing a picture
I liked your observations and how you painted a picture of small town America.Nice job.
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WOW!!!
i really liked this and how you used your mothers town and the people in it as ispiration for this work of art great job -
I like the last stanza especially. Reminds me of the movie "Mr. Deeds" in which Adam Sandler's character writes greeting cards.
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Love it
This is amazing.Please write more like this.I love how it makes me feel like I'm a part of it.Great job.
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Yes. So they say. Not realising.
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Yup
My mom and my sister just recently informed me
they don't get my poetry.
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Poignant ending to this poem that had every ounce of Americana painted into it. Full of imagery and situations that myself could so clearly cling to, and the greatest part were the personal touches mr. soandso, the restaurants name and more. Spectacular.
Jim
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I grew up in a small farming town much like what you describe here...ahhh, but it was also there that I learned about poetry...My 9th grade English teacher played songs by Bob Dylan, The Beatles & Crosby, Stills & Nash to demonstrate lyrical writing...Pretty chancy, in 1973...A sharp profile, my Friend...
Wanda
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Good anthropological field work -- concentrated concise accurate. A revealing profile/portrait of the people -- 'our people'.
I live in such a place and if I have any culture left, they are intent on rooting it out.
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