I Collapse
As the Bridge Beneath me,
holding me up,
Crumbles
and falls into the
Depths.
Taking me with it.
Will I ever find
my way to the
Surface...
Or will I forever be
Trapped
Beneath this
Unbearable weight...
Author notes
rjy13
Broken
A contest entry
- For Those With 5 or Fewer Trophies by DareU2Byourself.
675 points, ended May 30, 2007, 19 entries
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Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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A lot of feeling and emotion was added into this poem. A very universal theme that could be applied to a lot of situations in any reader's life. I liked this piece.
My only suggestion for you would be to try adding varying punctuation to help the flow and impact of your poem. Even just a question mark at the very end would help the thoughts come to a meaningful close rather than an uncatchable train of thought. Just something to try. Nice job overall. -
i like it short and sweet good job
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nicely done
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I really like this poem.
Its got real emotion and you have done well with wording it..
Good luck -
It is perfectly concise
you manage to describe an emotion that is a very specific feeling and yet universal. The poem almost physically brings you down, or gets heavier as you read downward. Then you find yourself at the bottom really feeling the unbearable weight. I think it is well written and the perfect length to get the feeling across. Thank you.
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Heavy!
I enjoyed your usage of unbearable weight - I've had the experience where it feels like too much is heavy upon my heart!
Thanks for you entry into my contest & Good Luck!
Tang
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Very Nice. I like it. Perhaps it would feel a little better to me if you put a question mark after "Surface" in line 10... maybe?? Beautiful write. Great job, thanks for entering. Take care.
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