I Narrate:
I stand before you in a spotlight.
The light represents human existence in void of emptiness
I Stand before you with a knife.
Look into my eyes and feel the burning pain.
My eyes develop into canvas’s of empty time and a depth of heartfelt pain.
As I stand before you- I will not cry.
There is no water left in these black holes.
All babies are born beautiful.
I was the first ugly one.
He said he loved me but he never did.
I wish I could hide in a shell on some seashore.
My best friend and I played in the neighborhood.
I am still hiding in the tree playing hide-and-seek and waiting for him to find me.
Mom did not love me.
She told me so the day she dropped me off at a truck stop.
There is always tomorrow my third grade teacher use to say.
A saying I am vowing to disprove with my own human flesh.
If I try this Medication things will change.
They never have- They never do- I am still living in a zoo.
The hopelessness I find myself drowning in…
The desperation I proclaim with ease…
The anxiety of life’s twists and turns…
Well let me twist and turn.
With a couple twists and turns my body collapses on the stage as the spot light goes out and the crowd claps in wild excitement.
sometimes reality or lack there of is the best entertainment.
Events know one can understand.
Feelings we are all suffering in and well aware of.
A contest entry
- Emotions and Inspirations... by jazzerina.
475 points, ended May 18, 2007, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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Heartbreaking
This poem made pain evoke in my chest, I'm being serious, this was such a sad, depressing, touching and absolutely beautiful poem that I'll remember it. I'm going to look at the rest of your work because this one is amazing. I loved the lines "All babies are born beautiful. I was the first ugly one." I'm sorry you've had so much pain but you have a beautiful gift to put it in the perfect words.
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>>I Narrate:
I like the opening.
>>canvas’s
canvases?
>>heartfelt pain.
too bland for how well the poem was until that point.
>>There is no water left in these black holes.
I like that.
>>I was the first ugly one.
If you could say that in a more poetic way..
>>He said he loved me but he never did.
I like how blunt it is.
>>I wish I could hide in a shell on some seashore.
Once again, a nice thought, but this is an example of where blunt isn't so nice, and a more poetic, imagery/alliteration/and just rhythmic way of saying that would serve better.
>>I am still hiding in the tree playing hide-and-seek and waiting for him to find me.
I like that as well.
>>There is always tomorrow my third grade teacher use to say.
"There is always tomorrow," my third...
>>A saying I am vowing to disprove with my own human flesh.
Very bland compared to the rest of the poem.
>>twists and turns
The first time you repeated it was enough. The third time it becomes redundant and unecessary.
>>Events know one can understand.
no one?
>>Feelings we are all suffering in and well aware of.
And I like that idea.
You have a lot of really good material here. Keep working with it.
Hope I helped.
-mandy
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Events know one can understand.
Feelings we are all suffering in and well aware of.
Truly a heartfelt write revealing the intesity of the heart with so much strong emotions and sentiments as well..the subject which you have dealt is amazing with its perormance of the poetry you did in the
every sequence here..The pain is shown with its depth and that is the truth of the life here..This is hearetfelt but indeed a touching poem my friend...
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Unique!
This is very different and so real, full of awesome explanation and you my friend have a beautiful way of writing even dark depressing poetry.
The hopelessness I find myself drowning in…
The desperation I proclaim with ease…
The anxiety of life’s twists and turns…
Well let me twist and turn.
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I loved it. All the emotion really gets to ya when your reading it. Really, it was great.
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Wow, this is so full of emotions and feelings. You have done so well here to express this, i just hope you are not as sad as the poem says.
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more than decent
i am a very picky person to either entertain or move, either way i'll throw ya an applaus
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"My eyes develop into canvas's" - this should be "canvases"
"Events know one" - "no one"
It's a very beautiful piece =]
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Interesting
Hi, you got my attention, a peek into the soul, rarely exposed to the outsider. You managed to make me feel, if only for a moment,a different reality. I shall drop in again. Keep on Writing Sasktoonie
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great job! this a very sad poem
-but i liked it anyway
great job and good luck in the contest!
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You know, we could throwin a little happy piece every now and then....But anyways, This was and is a brilliant deep, DEPRESSING write. You expressed the emotions well, and worded it perfectly. WOnderful job sweetie, Remember When no one else does, I love you!
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Excellent expression of your depth my dear friend. I do understand all to well but never fear for there is/must be light at the end of the tunnel...
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