i noticed him
in pieces
quick distorted
hormonal glammings
of truth
he stared without remorse
(shockingly uncooth)
i leaned in alee
lifting the book resting on my knees
to shield my face
shifting it out of place
... to see
he was oblivious
to flies buzzing beneath
the parged edifice
his face
angular, high-cheeked
corners curving upwards
entreatments to a kiss
eyes woodsmoked chimney promising bliss
my glance, askance returned to my book
(i pretended to read)
i dreamt him in a coffee shop...
(we danced)
his right hand pressed against the cleft
of my lower spine
(i was entranced)
i tried to lead
he held me back
(with ease)
his movements sinuous and chic
and teased and teased and teased
(until my mind and body screamed!)
A contest entry
- # 73 - Impress Me by poetryality.
450 points, ended May 18, 2007, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Postmodern Movement - [CONTEST] by PerfectTonight.
450 points, ended November 17, 2007, 7 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - 3 options by CharlotteRose.
450 points, ended February 17, 2008, 17 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
-
Nicely descriptive--made the reader feel as if he/she was in the cafe too. Great work and thanks for entering this in my contest. I also commend you for keeping to the theme as that has proved harder for many than I could have imagined.
-
I liked the structure of this poem most of all, though the content was very touching and romantic. Good luck in the contest.
-
A very nice piece you have here, thank you for entering it into my contest! I love the imagery and story.
-
Beautifully done
Very impressive and sensual. Love how you have so much detail that keeps it interesting. For then one wants to see what happened neext. I really like this write. It keept me reading and thats a good thing. (Lisa)
-
A very intriguing work here poet. I like the scene it shares with the audience. There is motion here. Your use of alliteration is strong and so are the metaphors. There is a tease of sensuality written in subtle tid-bits. A very interesting take on the art work. Thank you for this entry in my challenge. I wish you the best!
Much Love ♥
Renee
-
Good piece. Any reason not to capitalise 'I' here stylistically? I liked your uses of alliteration and enjambment. I liked the description here and the use of repetition. The end seemed a little dark Good luck in the contest.
Thanks for your critique
Pozo
-
-
pozo
Interesting you should mention that the conclusion is dark...that was a bit of an issue with me...it is supposed to be sexual in nature but i think I failed and it is too harsh ...how about ....and teased and teased and teased until i almost screamed? I edited it as such. Your imput would bve most kind and helpful.
-
-
I think that works better, although the sexual can often be interpreted as dark and vice versa so I wouldn't worry too much
-
-
pozo
Thanks for your help!
-
-
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 9 of 9
