Engulfed in white-hot flame,
Praying for the cooler place
Of withering ripples of heat-blasted air,
The iron reddens, until the tongs
Snatch it from its bleeding place
And the heavy hammer descends.
My soul cries for relief
From the afflictions that encompass me;
I am here, I am stricken,
See me O my God!
Where is help?
I remain in flames...
'Til stiff-necked, haughty pride is melted,
And firm tongs pull forth the refined soul
Malleable to the stroke of the Master smith.
I am shaped loftier than my highest dreams,
Amazed and wondering,
A vessel of His will.
A contest entry
- So You Think You Have Soul?? by Trixie08.
300 points, ended September 2, 182 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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A compelling poem
This is an interesting image and one that brings to mind such sturdy poetry as, "The Village Blacksmith." It is a very solid metaphor that has my interest. I am not sure what is meant by L2. What/who is praying? The iron? The forage? The Tongs? L7 begins a new stanza, and a new poem altogether. What is meant to fit your metaphor jumps too quickly from the slab of iron to the stricken soul. I don't think this works; you have a talking slab of iron, or you have a soul. Somewhere I think it would be helpful to indicate that the process is linked to the manner in which the soul is reshaped. Your reference to the "Master smith" is another case where it would be helpful to be more specific. By referring to the Master smith you could be using terminology that suggests not God, but a smith who has attained guild status as a Master. If this is so, than you have been forged into something quite different that the spiritual form that I know you really mean. What I am saying is that this metaphor does not work the way that you have presented it, though I can see what you are trying to say. It is extremely difficult to weave thological language into a compelling poem and you have come very close. I commend you for tackling this. -
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your comments on The Forge
Man of Harlech;
Thank you for giving me my first real critique that I could build from.
You are right, I have bleeding, praying iron, then a struggling soul. And the idea of a guild status Master smith never crossed my mind for even a moment. I appreciate your observations, and now I can make this better.
Thank you for taking the time to comment.
Mirthryl
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