I have not cried in over 3 years.
I continue to think this as a good thing
Although my eyes keep on watering
Everytime they shout at me
Everytime anyone shouts at me
I will always think of ways in how the world could be so much better
the main reason being that everyone should amputate all of their bad bones
And tell the people who they love that they love them.
And they would feel the same.
Or be obliged to feel the same
So instead of emotions
i burn so many calories
that there's fire in my eyes
but i do this in comic ways
So i get no wondering eyes
or chat behind my back
I just drift from person to person
each one picks up my pieces in such different ways
I even thank the unthankful
the ones who smile and put me down
The ones who i try to change
But I will always be alone
Even if you promise to stay
Author notes
Its all nonsense really, but i understand it :]
A contest entry
- Open To Anything At All by Poetic Rage.
450 points, ended June 2, 2007, 54 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - If You Click, You Can Enter- No New Effort Needed! (fOR EVERYONE ON AP- NO ONE IS LEFT OUT) by duana.
550 points, ended July 28, 2007, 96 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Contest to Promote my Commenting ANYTHING GOES!! by Timeless Wisdom.
800 points, ended August 6, 2007, 261 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Anything by Nam.
900 points, ended August 25, 2007, 97 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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This is definitely your worst- it is just bare feelings sprawled on a page, with no effort really to turn them into good poetry. Your other poems are much better, and you have a lot of potential. Keep studying poetry!
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Ok I was going to wait until I read the whole pieced to comment but what the heck the part where instead of emotions you burn calories made me smile... honestly thats some really original stuff... I think it is awesome how you put that together...(ok let me finish the piece now)... Well now that I am done I think this piece is really touching and great... this piece made me think of how people hide their feelings and bury themselves in other occupations... like over excersising... I don't know... I've always been too lazy to "over" do anything... but thats what it reminds me off. I think how you began the piece was really great...
"I have not cried in over 3 years"
I was like "wow! are you serious?!" I mean not crying for 3 years is crazy... I think your eyes need to do it (I mean supposedly it cleans your eyes when you cry)... and plus do you go and watch movies? I mean becaue each time I see a good movie I bust out crying (ok only when no one can see me) but honestly I am a cryer... but anyways I really liked the piece great job.
Sluha the Masked Ninja
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Haha, aww thanks, no i never cry haha but its starting to effect me nowi think! i watched leon yesterday and i nearly did in that! and spiderman 3 was emotional!
Thankyou for your comment :] xx
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What a sadly touching piece. I wanted to reach out and touch you and tell you that it really is not necessary to keep the tears inside, to give you a shoulder to cry on. Good luck in the contest. God Bless
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Dear Megan
A very warm welcome to you in this contest! Just to make things a little lighter between us I am Preeti and I will be guiding you through this contest...
I went through your page and realised that ur a funky clumsy person which I can tell...this is indeed a boon
I mean what a thing to write on ur page. I dont shout! My cat is deaf!...lol! 
Anyways lets get to work!!
The poem in general:
I see this to be a problem of eating disorder! Oh how the world suffers the wrath of high calorie food and unhealthy food! Sad
...You have outlined your state of mind simply yet effectively!! The flow is good and the word usage is prominent! Good work 
My fav lines:
I even thank the unthankful
the ones who smile and put me down
The ones who i try to change
But I will always be alone
Even if you promise to stay
This is indeed very touchy and clever way to end a poem! Good going!
Now to the critiques:
1) FLOW...the poems flow needs some work! First u write in short sentences and suddenly u make it all long!
for eg:
I will always think of ways in how the world could be so much better
the main reason being that everyone should amputate all of their bad bones
And tell the people who they love that they love them.
this becomes really odd!!
Change this to:
I will always think of ways
in how the world could be
so much better.
the main reason being
that everyone should amputate
all of their bad bones
And tell the people
who they love
that they love them.
Seems neater now doesnt it? Similarly try editing the rest of the poem in the same away! Make it flow across the page!
2) Spelling Errors- There are an ampul spelling errors.
pics-picks
abliged-obliged
3-three
That would free ur work from spelling errors!!
3) Wording..it is very simple and hence the effect of ur work is not long lasting!!
Take the same para for instance
I will always think of ways
in how the world could be
so much better.
the main reason being
that everyone should amputate
all of their bad bones
And tell the people
who they love
that they love them.
TO:
I imagine ways
in how this world
can be carried with love.
and so on...
try being poetic at some places!!
Thats all with my advice here!! Please get back to me after you make changes! Let me remind you that these are mere advices..u can even take them as a base!! These are to help you! Any other thing you want to clarify feel free to ask me..I am your friend..!!! Remember my name..?
Thanks again for entering and good luck!!
hugs n kisses
preets
Ps- Do not forget to comment on other entries as in they came Megan...
Peace
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I know it still needs fixing up to do...but if i didnt like the way i phrased it then i wouldnt of used it.
"I imagine ways
in how this world
can be carried with love."
Thats a nice sentance but it doesnt really go with the rest of the stanza, I dont want to repeat the word love too many times.
Its not really a poem just about an eating dissorder, its just a poem on how i see the world, as though theres some sort of barricade in between me and everything else. And just about the thoughts in my head really.
Sorry im just kind of protective about my poetry and want it all to be my own because even though everyone else would be able to understand it if it were phrased better...I dont think i would.
Thankyou for your help though.
Ill edit the spelling when i have time.
Thanks again sorry if i sounded harsh in any way! I do appreciate your words! -
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No problem!! I understand...
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Stanza 2, line 4- I don't think "abliged" is a word. Obliged?
And it's a bit odd that some of the "I"s are capitalized, while others are not...Meh.
Rather sad. The second stanza especially seems to have a lot to say. Polish it up a bit and it could have an even greater impact. Great write and good luck in the contest. -
Really sad, but a great write.
Good luck in the contest. -
'tis a very nice piece. =) Very sad
I think this stanza is a little awkward though,
"So instead of emotions
i burn so many calories
that there's fire in my eyes
but i do this in comic ways"
I'm not really sure what your trying to say. =)
Picks* =) Unless you meant pictures, which you might want to clarify if you did.
Great write! =)
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Hmm its kinda personal but its from when i had an eating dissorder, id make funny ways up of burning calories like buying a dance mat, so people wouldnt suspect anything.
Yeah i meant picks sorryyy -
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I see. =) Thanks for giving an explanation.
No worries. I make quite a few typos too.
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Ouch, terrifying write. So sad, so sad. Love the idea of the lack of tears almost making you a ghost within an unstable and hostile world; you can't afford to connect in a strange way maybe? Great write, with terrific last lines. A typo with pics in the 6th last line; maybe picks?
Great work,
Ed
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