Finished, you sink back, gently
indenting your shape further
into the pillow you complained about.
You seem to drift away, bit by bit.
You deflated, empty, as you exited,
leaving little behind. A shell.
A skin, that lays there, looking
just like you, (when not laughing).
Soon, they all leave, slipping out
quietly, in respectfull silence.
And outside the door, life goes on.
Leaving us alone; me and you.
I wait, unable to help myself.
I know you are gone. They said so.
Yet, it is hard to believe.
Because, my heart is still beating.
copyright 2007
Tamera Dobbins
all rights reserved
In a list
A contest entry
- Lay your words down softly... by Nicolette.
1150 points, ended May 27, 2007, 33 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Raven Qualifier - General: Free Verse, Rhyme and Everything Else by Raven Contest.
450 points, ended August 1, 2007, 140 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - DEATH YOU ARE DEAD by Purush.
600 points, ended July 28, 2007, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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I found this piece simply amazing! Your words deffinately pulled on a few heartstrings, and laid out a very surreal place!
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Other than some minor punctuation problems, this is a pretty good write. Very heartbreaking. I find this is one of those poems that makes me tear up, yet I won't be able to stop from coming back for another read.
Good work.
Elizabeth -
GOOD ENTRY
OK A GOOD ENTRY
BEST OF LUCK TO YOU IN MY CONTEST
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The only critique that I really have here goes to the flow aspect of the entry. Lines 9-12 have a different tempo to them then the rest of the piece and, if not done intentionally, this should probably be changed.
That aside, I think you have done a great job of providing your readers with a snap shot of a final moment that works out to be worth more than the thousand words a picture of the event might tally. All the way to (and esspecially including) the last line you have outlined a loss that speaks to the small moments shared in life that are somehow, unmistakenly and yet impossibly, lost in death.
This piece is worth more then the comment I am going to leave here, but let my semi-silence exist as a nod of understanding towards the subject matter. Well done.
Thank you for your entry.
~Das -
oh wow I didn't expect that at all what an impact too I love how you ended this piece this is a very good poem I really enjoyed reading it good job
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Hmm, I can relate past experience to this and can see it in my future, although maybe in a different way, hopefully a lot of decades away!
Best of luck in this and all of your endeavors. 
Hetohke'e 
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Very nice, yet sad write. I like the imagery of the first lines, softly spoken. They bring back memories of another time long gone, yet still remembered.
Nicely written. Thanks.
~Greg~ -
Thank You
There comes a time when we all must go
Not of our choice believe me I know
When I found my Dad dead in his bed
My job to close lids on his cold head
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A final exit...and the soft look of departure, of death...this is where this poem took me. So very gently the farewell here...the last look. A precious memory you've written here with the soft chalk of the heart - beautifully and softly laid down upon this page.
Thank you for posting it in my contest.
~ Nicolette
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Your heart clearly beats because of the love that remains. So many things in our life hold the impression from the love we have and the love we shared. I think its wonderful how entwines what was and what is no longer......it's a very soft and gentle work.
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