they huddled close in the city, watching lights flick away from windows;
the wind silent as an unspoken dawn,
thinking with the same throbbing heartbeat
limbs and whims danced the birth of night.
i think they might have kissed, or more,
but she couldn’t breathe for the sugar -
with yin & yang writhing in veins
he was toffee & his fingers sticky as bee stings.
he and her made a pretty couple,
the round of her thighs was earth and fire;
kindled with innocence, charred by the wet side of clouds
and the drumming of rain on a roof.
like wind and water, too,
(like slithers of stars
& a wedding by moonlight.)
she swam through the honey rivers;
thick as blood, and pounding mud through her eyes.
(she choked, spitting invisible tears).
four feet tucked close; singing and crying,
both breathing and dead already.
the sugar drew curves on her skin,
like circus clowns beating bright colours
through the walls; her legs will bear the marks,
and as she blinked to chase her voice
i think she must have drowned
in his winking laughter; tracing circles over her soul.
In a list
A contest entry
- Your best dark poetry. by FeedYourHeadMeg.
750 points, ended June 1, 2007, 21 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Critical comments are most welcome.
Comments
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I really like the extremely subtle assonance in the piece, it really aids in the fluidity of the piece and I think it gives a somewhat soft element to the dark imagery.
The only line that seems off is this line:
"both breathing and dead already."
it seems so cliche compared to how well phrased and creative the rest of the poem is. Unfortunately, I don't have suggestions for it, but maybe finding a metaphor that would represent breathing and death, instead of stating it so bluntly.
The poem is however, extremely magnificent. I like how the illustrations are tightly wound together, and repeated throughout the poem without becoming tedious.
I like ending stanza - sums up the work wonderfully. Great piece. In my opinion, you should place gold in the contest, just on the illustrations alone.
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Thank you very much. Yeah, there always seems to be at least one cliche per poem.. I'll keep thinking on it!
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OOOOOOH *claps hands and jumps up and down excitedly*
I adore this piece, Your play on words never ceases to amaze me. very beatuiful work. each line not to mention stanza is breathtaking and so vivid in the colors of my mind. the pictures you'vepainted here are nothing short of excellent.
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My favorite part: "i think they might have kissed, or more,
but she couldn’t breathe for the sugar -
with yin & yang writhing in veins
he was toffee & his fingers sticky as bee stings."
I also love "the round of her thighs was earth and fire;
kindled with innocence, charred by the wet side of clouds
and the drumming of rain on a roof." You took a cliché topic and made an original metaphor.
I lovelovelove the last 3 stanzas, so basically I love this whole poem! Great job, girl. Wickedly dark and melancholy and beautiful all at the same time.
Good luck to you and thanks so much for entering in my contest!
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