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moods (ghazal #128)

 

... for kimbers ...

 

 

as clarity settles deep in her soft amber eyes
a peace wells up from nearly fathomless eyes

adventure lures the heart to the mystery
of sidelong glances cast from her earthen eyes

imagination paves her path of promise
where patience lightly walks with brownstone eyes

hope found refuge under the feathery green
of one long look into her mahogany eyes

she cheers the sunbathed home of inspiration
with a glittering veneer of cherry-wood eyes

love tastes of strawberry kisses beneath dark curls
coated with the cream of her dark chocolate eyes

compassion sways against the sprawling skies
praying up to the stars with terrestrial eyes

 

 

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Comments

1 - 34 of 34
  • Roy-rahbar
    August 29
    Edit | Reply

    Very interesting

    Hello Zahar...impressive indeed.
    Rahbar.


    • Zahhar gold member
      2 days ago
      ?
      Edit | Reply
      What was interesting about it to you?

      In Mumbai you're somewhat on the border of where ghazal's are known/unknown. Rather depends on your affiliations I'd suppose. Are you familiar with the form?

      I stopped using my penname explicitly after my 126th ghazal, opting instead to make some reference to one of its meanings in the final couplet. I also started using variations other than rhyme. This one uses a species of synonymy, in relation to shades and types of brown, if I'm not mistaken.

  • Ruby34
    June 24
    Edit | Reply
    Wow, this is fascinating..I love the expression of cherry wood eyes..your verse is lovely..the form is excellent. I read so many ghazal poems in Arabic but very few in English..most of them were translated so they kind of lost the meaning bit...
    I really enjoyed your English Ghazal..I will soon read more of your work..you are new discovery
    Ruby


    • Zahhar gold member
      June 25
      Edit | Reply
      And feel free to translate any of my ghazals to Arabic.
  • jcsulser
    December 10, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    just to say it, im sure you know, but the word directly before the repeating word in a ghazal is supposed to rhyme throughout the poem. but otherwise not bad.

    • Zahhar gold member
      December 10, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      The strict ghazal, yes, has a refrain rhyme. But English is a rhyme-poor language, unlike Farsi, Arabic, and Urdu, the languages of ghazal birth and development. If you were to look through my posts here you'd find that I adhered to the strict rhyme, usually to no good effect, for 125 ghazals, and than I began deviating--thank god.
      • jcsulser
        December 12, 2007
        Edit | Reply
        oh ok, i just thought i would say something incase you didn't know.

  • gothicviking
    August 10, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    good

    i like the words you used in this one.. it moved me..
    "hope found refuge under the feathery green
    of one long look into her mahogany eyes" is my favorite line in this one.

  • XXDarkness-DecayXX
    July 27, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    compassion sways against the sprawling skies
    praying up to the stars with terrestrial eyes

    That was a good verse, but so was--adventure lures the heart to the mystery
    of sidelong glances cast from her earthen eyes

    This was beautiful wrote.

  • Sacrificial Love
    July 24, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    love tastes of strawberry kisses beneath dark curls
    coated with the cream of her dark chocolate eyes


    this HAS to easily by my absolute favorite....this entire piece is so descriptive with it's bold imagery...you make me want to fall in love...with love...

    terrific write from your pen of fire fellow wordsmith

    . Rewarded 6

  • Ankeeta silver member
    June 21, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    WOW...FAB metaphors erin ...these people are lucky to whom you dedicate your time to write such fantastic poems!!!!!!!!

    I never knew that soooooo many adjectives could be given to eyes...i simply LOVED "chocolate eyes" its sounds so yummy and wanting lol

    you know i really dont understand the technical aspect of poetry but i like reading good language.....

    keep going dude
    kits

    . Rewarded 8


  • The Phoenix Returns
    June 18, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Isn't amber a shade of yellow (as a contrast from the earthen/chocolate/brownstone etc.)?

    Otherwise, I find this to be a very interesting variation from the traditional ghazal but there were somethings that confused me. I guess instead of the internal rhymes, you used synonyms....if that's the case I don't understand the use of Fathomless and Terrestrial.

    And were the last rhymes (skies/eyes) intentional and part of your innovation of the form? If yes, I don't understand the reason behind it. It doesn't really make a difference in the flow!

    The imagery was beautiful as most of your poems I've read in the past but somehow this is not as passionate as few of your other ghazals like 'Vapours'. This lacks that emotional appeal that's usually an essence of the ghazal...maybe you shouldn't have done away with the Maqta!

    Just my thoughts!


    . Rewarded 8


    • Zahhar gold member
      June 18, 2007

      Edit | Reply
      hey phoenix,

      amber comes in different shades, not seldom a fairly dark brown. the refrain prosody isn't using synonymy--though that's a great guess. it's using a form of association i don't yet know the proper 'term' for. it's association by color. oh, wait! it's called hypernymy! but in this case not a strict hypernymy, or not a taxonomic hypernymy, but a figurative hypernymy.

      hypernymy occurs between words that share a semantic relationship to another word of a higher or lower class. so, the class in this case is the general idea of "brown". all the refrain 'rhyme' words 'relate' to brown in some way (and yellow can be considered a shade of brown for those who envision amber in its most yellow form).

      no the final rhyme in the non-traditional maqta is accidental. in a way i have sustained the maquta, but in a hidden manner. my penname, "Zahhar", has one meaning in arabic that is "open to the sky". so by reference i pointed to my penname with "sprawling skies", which could only be seen by one standing at a location open to the skies. i did this in my previous two ghazals, too, but using other references.

      yes, "Vapours" is a superior poem--and one i put a lot less time into. sometimes they just pop out, and sometimes i have to work like hell at them. sometimes the hard work yields poor quality material while the 'poppers' yield high quality material, and sometimes vice versa.

      i appreciate your stopping by and leaving your informed thoughts!

  • yassmin
    June 16, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    lucky her lovely,romantic,gentle but u know i think u'd better try looking at soe old arabic ghazal poems these were legends but yours r lovely written,touchy too guess u love food a lot,chocolate,cherry,etc...,lol sweet again lucky her to be loved this much mashaa'Allah

  • myrataal silver member
    June 14, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    A lovely poem ...

    filled with sight and light ... Well done.

    I would have pulled the plural eyes right through to the exit line, even though the singular may have a greater metaphysical impact.

    Love
    Myra

    . Rewarded 4


    • Zahhar gold member
      June 14, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      wow that last eye is supposed to be plural! how i failed to see that is way beyond me. but... fixing.

  • MY lips will deny
    June 12, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    very nice.
  • Kazmira
    June 9, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Enchantment...creative verse! Well done poet! Cheers Kaz.

  • ibsons hysops
    June 6, 2007

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    nothing at all to be confused about when it comes to such great thoughts as these! this is a very unique and well written piece you have undertaken and with great skills i might add. overall there is not a thing that i can find lacking and at the same time as i mention that, too, that you have not gone overboard as some writers do very consistantly. your structure is perfection in comparison to your thoughts which are as equally indellible to the reader as well to the writer

  • Raazi gold member
    May 30, 2007
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    i was confused about the absence of the internal rhyme, but i thought it must be a variation. Is that so? Isn't there supposed to be internal rhyme just before the refrain?

  • Raazi gold member
    May 30, 2007

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    Beautiful ghazal as ever, Erin. Loved the refrain here. But this time, I couldn't really feel it. Somehow, the passion one finds in a ghazal is missing. Maybe it is the complexity. But yet, there can be passion with complexity, and Ghalib, one of the pioneers of ghazal has proven it. I was in awe of the language and the structure, but I didn't feel the ghazal. For example, "
    love tastes of strawberry kisses beneath dark curls
    coated with the cream of her dark chocolate eyes" The emotion is perhaps lost somewhere in the words, though the words are beautiful. Prosodically perfect.

    • Zahhar gold member
      May 30, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      actually, prosodically imperfect. this is the only ghazal i've written (since truly grasping prosody from an applicable standpoint) where i've intentionally avoided isometrics.

      i know what you mean about the dryness though... wasn't able to find my way around that for some reason. i'll bet you'll like ghazal #127 a lot more and find within it the passion you're missing here.

  • I-Like-Rhymes gold member
    May 28, 2007

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    They say we all look at things from different viewpoints (eyes) and it is nice to see the reversal of this in one person looking at the same eyes and seeing different 'viewpoints'
    This was well done but then your work usually is.
    Jim

    . Rewarded 4


    • Zahhar gold member
      May 30, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      i'd say you've captured the main idea behind this write. thanks for your thoughts on this poem and your enjoyment as a reader.

  • My Nemesis
    May 28, 2007

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    The eyes are the window to the soul. That is what I thought when I first read this. Emotion can change some peoples eye colour to some extent. My brother is like that - his eyes can be anything from a slate gray to a kind of blue green - depending on his mood. Mine - are brown no matter what. I also thought of infatuation - being in love and wanting nothing more than to lose yourself in the other person.

    . Rewarded 8


  • Celticwolf270911
    May 21, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Sorry, yeah, that's what I thought too. I guess I must not have said it well enough, but I caught that it was the moods changing that was being reflected. Still a good poem and I liked it.
  • heinzs silver member
    May 19, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    :-)


  • Celticwolf270911
    May 19, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I"m not sure if this is what you meant to do, but it seems to me that the changing color of the eyes is like a segue of different moods and emotions that the subject is going through. It seems that the color change is meant figuratively to convey this. I'm not a pro at this sort of thing, but I liked that this seemed to be reflected in such a way. I think it's a good job.

    . Rewarded 8


    • Zahhar gold member
      May 20, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      well, the base color of the eyes don't change. they're always some form of brown (or in general dark). the idea is that the various changes in hue reflect various moods, or at least complement the various moods depicted.
  • Kay Laon Anders
    May 16, 2007

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    Dude!

    Somebody's eyes sure do change color a lot...lol...It would be like you are standing there talking to someone and their eyes are blue and then all of a sudden they are brown...it would be something like..I jump back and scream.."what the freak! aliens have invaded!"..lol...besides my spazness...



    I sort of like this one...there is something about the way you keep saying the word eyes though...I know it is apart of the form but it is almost annoying when read aloud...I thought I liked this form but I guess I am just not in that mood at the moment lol....i suppose my fav line would have to be "she cheers the sunbathed home of inspiration"....I love reading that one aloud....reminds me of grandma....she is home but she isn't the same any more...she told dad that I called her on mothers day and talked to her about icecream and I didn't even touch the phone that day...that is kinda weird...but oh well I love her.. just the same.. the only negative bit I have about this one friend is that..welll...somebody needs to get their eyes looked at and make some money off that...i am sure they would make a killin'!..lol Great write as always...

    . Rewarded 8


    • Zahhar gold member
      May 18, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      the repetitive nature of ghazal makes it a challenge to keep the refrain from getting boring. i'm glad that there was a couplet (bayt) in there that could elicit positive memories of your grandma.
      • Kay Laon Anders
        May 19, 2007
        Edit | Reply

        Yay!

        Sorry...been totally busy dude...I feel like I am betraying AP or somethin' but I don't get on here a lot any more because I have school and work....but school ends in less than a week so maybe I will have more time for it..who knows.....thanks for the reply dudeman..

        Kay Laon Anders

  • SuZyCuE
    May 15, 2007
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    Hey Erin, Ive read this over but Im afraid Im going to have to come back to this one, my mind is not in the right place, Im having double back surgery tomorrow and Im afraid I cant give your poem the justice it so deserves right now, so I will come back and comment on it after my surgery...In the mean time Take Care
    Suzanne

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