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Miracle

You were there
I could see you...touch you...feel you...
I was happy.
Darkness came...swallowed everything...
I couldn't climb out!
I didn't know what to do!
You were not there anymore!
I was scared...alone...frightened...
I sat there and cried forever.
I could not see you...touch you...feel you..
An angel came
There was light!
It saved me!
I was out of the darkness
I knew what to do!
I was happy.
You came back to me
I could see you...touch you...feel you...
Please don't ever leave...
Be my savor!
I love you

Author notes

I can't really decide my feelings about the poem. Too many of my emotions are in it i think. ~Saphiria

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 11 of 11

  • zhaniswolf
    July 22, 2007
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    aww. sweet poem. the repeating line added to it. i liked it.


  • duana
    July 21, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    wow, this could have won in my cliche poetry contest, lol. This is quite bad, but it's not your worst!


  • Nam
    July 19, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    "Be my savor!" - I do not think you mean "savor", it doesn't make sense, to me. Perhaps you meant "saviour"?

    The repetition is almost reaching in this piece. If you went any further, it would have been too much. But, even in saying that, the thought that it's "almost reaching" could be worked on to be less of that. Perhaps even have breaks in certain areas (not too many) and that would cut down on that particular viewpoint.

    Your usage of ellipses is overdone, and the last one you used was only 2 when it should have coincided with the other ellipses' of 3.

    The last line seems as if it is an "addage", a line that doesn't actually need to be there, just a wrap of previous thought.

    This piece could be worked on. I do believe it could use breaks, and the rest of what I mention above could be worked on.




  • Xxthe angry gothxX
    July 10, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I thought that this was well thought. I could relate to this myself. If you please could, if you get a chacne, put the option number in my contest. Please and thank you. good luck


  • MoonHaze
    July 9, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    You did a really nice job with this one and I can understand the feelings. Keep up the great work.

    In order for me to keep this in the contest, though, please put what option you chose in the author box. Thank you.


  • aikoflavored
    July 9, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I'm not sure this is what I had in mind exactly.
    but it's a good poem none the less.
    I did enjoy it.
    it had a certain flow about it.

    Good Write.
    Thank you for the Entry.
    Good Luck.

    |aiko|


  • Ted E Bare gold member
    July 8, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    I can see this as having more than one meaning to others, even though the message would still be the same. I could feel the emotion with intensity as I read and pictured everything in my own set of circumstances. Nicely done. Good luck in the contest.

    Ted E


  • Stonecosta
    May 15, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Very good, very very very good! Poetry is often most meaningful when it's written as your raw feelings, without crazy metaphors and comparisons. I really liked the repetition of "see you... touch you... feel you..." That and the comparisons to light make this beautiful... nice job!


  • GM Akari Takai
    May 14, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    You should submit this in my contest. It's good!!!


  • slipperssun gold member
    May 14, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    a very spiritual piece and i am glad you found your savour...
    cheers
    jen


    • Ted E Bare gold member
      July 8, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      I think I said this to you before, but I'm saying it again...I love that picture you have as your author's pic...now I need to go comment on the poem I just read...had to tell you first since I saw the pic againTed E

1 - 11 of 11