As I counted lightening strikes across the sky,
A question ripped my mind to pieces, "How?"
How did I tear her heart to pieces?
I did not think I had that much power.
My heart is as hard as steel,
and I thought hers was harder.
I must have been her rock,
the thing that kept her steady.
My love must have been a shell,
so nothing could crush her, no matter how heavy.
My love must have engulfed her,
kept her safe in a storm.
Now, looking inside myself,
I realized what caused her heart to break.
I was her everything, as she was once mine.
A contest entry
- "Words Are The Daughters Of Earth" by malkinpuss.
1000 points, ended May 16, 2007, 9 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
Emotive
Very heart wrenching. Try elliminating extraneous words such as : it, the, that was went ect. as much as possible to impact those stronger imagery laden words. The power of descriptive words is strenghtened by editing exteneous filler words ruthlessly. If one reads the work of masters one notices immediately that each word is crafted with care so it says a paragraph with imagery. Put more emphasis on imagery laden words.
eg.
As I counted lightening strikes across the sky,
A question ripped my mind to pieces, "How?"
How did I tear her heart to pieces?
I did not think I had that much power.
My heart is as hard as steel,
and I thought hers was harder...
compare:
As I count lightening strikes across the sky,
A question rips my mind to pieces, "How?"
How did I tear her heart to pieces?
I did not think I had the power.
With this heart as hard as steel,
and I thought her heart was harder ...
-
sad, but in a good way. i think your poem is good. Im not mean or anything but i think sometimes a hard heart is good so you don't get hurt yourself.
~great poem
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