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The Withered Rose (revised)

You suffocate me with your addiction
Slowly releasing your intoxicating perfume
Upon the longitudes of my mind

You breach my independence
With the instability of your fanatical fantasies
Splintering the glass moulding

That gently caresses each and every curve
Justifying my existence

Your sunken footsteps, follow me through the shadows
Absorbing my soul
I watch, as you feed your addiction
Giving integrity to the withered rose inside me

Please tell me what you think

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Comments

1 - 38 of 38

  • Joseph G. Hollis
    December 15, 2008

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    Dark and haunting images of addiction and unhaulting persistence. This is a powerful and expressive write. Thank you for sharing.


  • Tercil gold member
    January 12, 2008

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    Great work!

    This feels like a very exhausting position, and not many can give off a feel like this, exceptional,.!


  • haikumonk gold member
    January 1, 2008

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    Wow.... powerful write. "follow me through the shadows... absorbing my soul"... I have never heard a phrase like that in my life!!! It almost took one of my heartbeats! Voice is excellent in this piece with a smooth consistent delivery.

    Overall, this is really well done and clearly worth the visit here.


  • raggyann
    December 30, 2007

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    i know this feeling all to well
    sad that we feel their pain as they go on as if nothing is wrong at all
    as we watch them destroy their lives
    all the time
    this was a very emotional poem i felt and know the pain behind these words


  • Michael A. de Melo
    December 28, 2007

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    It's hard to love someone who has an addiction without hurting ourselves. This poem utilizes great imagery to show just how damaging such a relationship can be. I felt sorry for the writer and hoped for a happy ending, but in truth, there are very few happy endings. A great expression of feelings you have penned here, and I look forward to reading many more.


  • cafegroundzero gold member
    December 21, 2007
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    Wakes me up like strong turkish expresso


  • sidewinder silver member
    December 10, 2007

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    love sometimes takes different paths ...be it good or bad.
    Eyes see it differently.
    but yes it's love the same.
    Keep penning on one stroke at a time!
    Bill


  • Grateful
    November 24, 2007

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    very nice poem, i must say! i like the line "Absorbing my soul". beautiful imagery. i enjoyed it. all the best - sukhdarshan


  • siriusenigma
    October 30, 2007
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    that's really really good. i like the picture too - it goes really well somehow.


  • green20goblin
    October 15, 2007
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    love the imagery in your poem.well done


  • Floorboards
    September 16, 2007

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    Wow, this is really good, excellent dark images,
    love the last line, and, "splintering the glass moulding", nice job,
    very well done,
    Alex. *rose(


  • chasingtheday gold member
    September 9, 2007

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    ah something nice and cheerful to click into love eh, it is a bitter pill to swallow sometimes, a good poem.


  • Darkened Seraph
    September 8, 2007

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    oh wow this is a beautiful poem, yet is is so sad too. i love the imagery created within the second stanza its so pure its amazing even if it is sad this is a brilliant write well done


  • Sara Bellem
    September 4, 2007

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    Sadly Beautiful

    This is well written and expressed, it has such sadness and beauty it leaves the reader wanting more. You have done an excellent job with this write and it was a pleasure to read and critique

  • jamesmike99
    August 19, 2007

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    once again...you really know how to use your words...something i wish i knew how to do as good as you do
    i love reading your poems because there soooo powerful its amazing.
    keep up the great work


  • Sensual Sapphire
    July 25, 2007

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    What this piece needs

    is a reader with intelligence and imagination. Who is to say the one who soaks you up is the one who caused the rose to wither in the first place? I enjoyed this piece it makes one think and put themselves in the plight of those in the piece. Bravo!


  • buggles
    July 24, 2007
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    brilliantly done, my hats off to you,Eddy


  • jennylynn
    July 18, 2007
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    Very original!


  • Kari gold member
    July 4, 2007
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    Wow, very well done


  • badfate
    July 3, 2007

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    Awake with your words
    still echoing in mind.

    Sweet addiction that sets soul on fire,
    everything think of, wish for and desire.

    Beyound words !

    Excellent !!

  • linda2
    July 1, 2007
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    Very nice.


  • Deliverance
    June 30, 2007

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    To me it seemed to flow very well for a freewrite.
    It makes sense and is easy to follow.
    It reads like a letter, don'tget me wrong, that is a good thing. It means that the poem has a structure.
    This is among your best, or at least the best that I have read.


  • Lord Dracon
    June 20, 2007

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    This is a very poweful peace... I loved reading it. My favorite part was:

    You breach my independence
    With the instability of your fanatical fantasies
    Splintering the glass moulding

    That gently caresses each and every curve
    Justifying my existence

    Excellent work!


  • I-Am-Custard
    June 19, 2007

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    I like this, but I must say I do hate the 'witehred rose' parts... it's just so cliched that it switches me off, which is a real shame when everything else is so nice.
    Since this is freeverse I'd also like tos ee some punctuation, since it has no rhythm as it is and it's only the short length that kept me from losing the thread by the end of it.
    Other than that this is lovely, you obviously have a wonderfully wide vocabulary and puit a fair bit of thought into this.


  • A Leper Messiah
    June 16, 2007

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    Very well written. I really liked reading it. There was something there I couldn't quite place it but it's there. Kinda like the X-factor of the poem. Great job!


  • macandrew
    June 15, 2007

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    Your sunken footsteps, follow me through the shadows
    Absorbing my soul

    Love that line, being absorbed into shadows: a spiritual loss.

    excellent.
    John

  • Synful-symphony
    June 12, 2007
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    I liked the imagery here but I still felt it was a bit of the same old, same old. I suppose that can also be good because it means a lot of people can relate to it. I would just suggest observing everything and anything, keeping your eyes open...anything can be turned into a unique metaphor.


  • Candy6
    May 28, 2007
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    nice imagery


  • capricornpoet
    May 28, 2007

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    modern emotions

    An imagery filled flow of words, satire mixed with
    abstract visions; descriptive and passionate.
    inspiring.

  • deleteduser
    May 26, 2007

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    Awe striking

    Interresting style of writing, it is unique and enjoyable. You have wonderful descriptions. I've never really understood why people use "Longitudes of my mind" though i've seen it a couple times before. Love how the title and theme go together to subly imply romance. Great job, wonderful read.


  • lie
    May 26, 2007

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    Wow, very nice; you start off brilliantly strong and you carry out that strength throughout the entire poem.
    I like the subtle utilization of alliteration, it's not too prominent but it does give the work a nice, intelligent feel.
    The idea and metaphor behind it is a very down to Earth and an universal theme; I like how you kept all the images and thoughts tightly wound within each other. You didn't go veering off into a bunch of disconnected illustrations.
    That last line is extremely powerful; compared to the other wording and the viewpoint from the rest of the poem, that single line seems to carry a very sorrowful note with it. It adds a touch of vivid emotion, that I think caps off the piece wonderfully.
    Great work.


  • ibsons hysops
    May 22, 2007
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    i Loved this!


  • x-Black-Butterfly-x gold member
    May 15, 2007

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    the imagery was reall strong and made the picture come alive.
    it was very clever and emotions were strong
    you continue to amaze me
    well done


  • Blueskywonder
    May 15, 2007

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    Excellent imagery Laura... very artisticly expressed ah to take your pleasure giving life to the one you feed off. VERY CLEVER AND VERY SENSUAL LAURA! NICE IMAGERY


  • PerVirtuous
    May 14, 2007

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    This makes much more sense poetically and logically than the other. Personally, I think subjugation is very silly and counterproductive to great sex, but who really cares what I think? Three bunnies!!! (Again!)


  • Naridill gold member
    May 14, 2007

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    I seem to like bits from both, but all in all I have to say that I do prefer the original. This one seems a little cut short and less expressive.
    "Slowly releasing your intoxicating perfume"
    I feel that was a good revised bit. Very well done.


  • soldiersoul gold member
    May 14, 2007

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    a SLAVE worships her MASTER or MISTRESS' feet so therefore the soul resides there in the shadows of ownership n acceptance...i think lil miss LAURABELLE has the right idea addiction resembles obsession...u feel n sense whats needed n know how to follow through...WELL DONE my beautiful BRIT


  • Amera gold member
    May 14, 2007

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    I thought I'd read this before then I realized it was revised. I distinctly remember liking the metaphor of the "withered rose inside me". Well done!

    Love,
    Amera

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