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breath, once freshly rained

 

 

 

this girl drowned others;

she rained within her weathering -
       soaking stains that hovered under desert steam,
       misted from reflections tucked into tears
       that fled her ancient spheres.

etching granite skies [ "I was here" ]

with drops that did not fall
but flew away; refusing her unworthy earth
                                         [ too barren now for salt]

clouds that washed outside of grey.day.ways
to water with the grain of other wooded
soil,

releasing a breath,
fresh like her -

a memory of what
she used to be ...

 

 

 

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think (Critical Honesty Appreciated)

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Comments


  • malkinpuss
    May 16, 2007

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    Unique

    Lovely images but on occasion they contradicted each other or became quite cryptic eg.
    "she rained within her weathering -
    soaking stains that hovered under desert steam"

    as a desert is dry your images of steam and soaking stains confuse me. What do you mean by "she rained within her weathering" Perhaps you meant she cries as she ages?? I just don't know but the mood and flow where seductive and the words beautiful. The story and intent were hard for me to capture.


    • EvilKate
      May 19, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you for you insight and honesty. I think - if we are to aspire to grow - we need clear and concise (and most of all well balanced) critique.

      So please - don't think I am doing a "You are wrong, I am right" reply here, such as those frequently seen

      That said, I prefer to write a little cryptically (or a lot when I overstepL - and in this case those phrases were written with the following intentions:

      "she rained within her weathering -" => as she was slowly eroded by the events of time, she tried to save herself by spreading her empathy to others. The irony - revealed later - is that she could not (or woul not) spare herself the same privilege.

      "desert steam" is a reference to mirages, and the stains are other peoples.

      The contradictions you noticed were as intended.

      "misted from reflections tucked into tears" => is another reference to her feeling for the pain of others.

      She uses that empathy to leave her mark - to tell the world she was here. She is reaching out - looking for someone to rescue her, but everyone she touches is too busy being healed to notice the doctor's own illness.

      I could go on but fear I've already moved beyond the point of pretentious waffle, so will end there with the sincere hope that I've solved some of the riddle for you


  • transcendental baby gold member
    May 14, 2007
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    This is wonderful ... unique and refreshing