Can I share my light with you?
You're falling, you're falling
Can you see me burning bright?
You're falling, you're falling
I know that you can see the light
Why do you run away?
To darker forests of the night
Where your light might fade away
Please stay close to me, my dear
and do not run away
Can't you see you're falling
You'll land where other burnt souls lay
Can I share my light with you?
We're falling, we're falling
Please let me share my light with you
We're falling, we're falling
And we'll never reach the day
A contest entry
- Summer/Winter – Picture Inspired by aestival.
600 points, ended May 26, 2007, 11 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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Good use of repetition. Imagery was very good. "Darker forests of the night" was a very good wording. That was the line that caught my ear the most. The last line was really good; it hits the soul. It made me openly cringe. not in a bad way, but in a "those were really powerful words" way.
I like how you said "please let me", because it shows how much you care for the person you are writing about. Overall, great poem. I love you.
-Logan(y logan)
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the repeat of 'I'm falling - I'm falling' and the way you used it for the first and last verse (changing it cleverly to We're Falling) was a something i liked, I know many baulk at repeating, but I think had you used that through the poem in some fashion it would have given this a lot more character. It's a good piece, but it is those touches which help separate and catch the reader.
Good though.
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I liked the rhythm of the poem – in my head I can hear it like a chant for jumping rope (except more serious, of course). The second verse was my favorite, though it was all pretty good. I especially like the change from "you're falling" to "we're falling." The last line, in the context of the rest of poem, was a stunner — which is awesome. Great write!
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: )
This is cute.
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