-While sun rose over tattered plain,
cursed by dust and void of rain,
where battle fought and battle won
defeated heat of bright-red sun.
-Where Tavin's banner filled the night,
with burnished silver, blind to sight,
and 'neath this bloody banner died
an unborn moon, night then denied.
-A rising sun unmasking gore,
the ravens circling cry for more,
on bloody field, earths stretching strand
mangled like fingers on broken hand.
-Like splintered wood, a broken man,
whose badges show loyalty's brand,
in fallen ring of weapons lies
and for his loss all nature cries.
-A midnight clash of mindless blood,
solid ground soon turned to mud,
raging cries of warlike death
echo out along the heath.
-Moisture at last for scorche'd plain,
falling in a mist-red rain,
such wanton life for death to seize
the waste of life, human disease.
-For hours fought was hated war,
the fallen dead shall rise no more,
the booming beat of ward rum ring
heralding pain that sword shall bring.
-Within the circle of watch fire light,
with feathered arrow swarm takes flight,
flight of buzzing death falls down
taking kingdom, winning crown.
-For ages shall lands death song ring,
tale of kingdom and of fallen king,
where Tavin fought, silver banner stands
and ripples in wind that kisses the land.
-Now the field in dead silence lies,
while sable raven overhead flies,
the greenest grasses on land there grows
atop the mounded pyre rows.
-Even now when moon take wing,
the voices of the fallen sing,
chorus from the wraith-like kind
their forms but memory of forgotten time.
A contest entry
- Stun me. by heavenbird.
590 points, ended December 5, 2008, 26 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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This is very well written, and a very beautiful piece.
Your imagery and emotion is impeccable.
Best of luck!
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I really enjoyed reading this ballad. I liked the way you held to your rhyme scheme and kept the flow going. It really works well and describes images of war so clearly. Well done.
John
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Excellent
A very fine write, indeed. You expressed your thoughts quite well. Thanks for sharing this one with us. Again, well done. -
Very nice!
I really enjoyed this! Great story told in this creative write. I agree with the others that this definitely needs to be broken up into stanzas for an easier read. Well done! -
I still ike this one...but I liked it better when the stanzas were separated by lines...not just a dash.
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Heralding a Sword's Knew Door.
Break it up with lines between, even if that means sentences cross over gaps. One asks this as a reader. ("-"'s do not do the trick, btw).
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Epic verse - ok.
Standard syllabic? hmmm..no, but starts as 8 then 7 syllables, which is khool. (
) (I shall say an 8 count is the modal expectation then, for now, and read on...)
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spell-check "brigh" => "bright"?
And why does the result of a battle affect the sun?
Especially now it's night?
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?"blody"?
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comparison of post-battle earth with a broken hand ... clap.
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"badges show loyal demand"? - not a suggestion, an aside.
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all nature cries for his loss? Does it now? As do the ravens? (Such comments as this might suggest this reader entered not into the spirit of the piece - but then, when he lived as minstrel bard, he vented nearly twice as hard against the poorer versifier - it did not take him any higher, nor intend to set them low who stilled, then again sought their flow. The Battle Poetic goes on, and so do I).
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Variant on one stanza:
"For hours fought hated war was:
Fallen dead rise no more because
The boomsome beat of Wardrum rang
Heralded pain the Sword then brang."
The current way is a bit affected,
Nor is the better meaning true
Selected. At this point I have elected
To go not on with my critique:
Overall, well done, mild, not meek,
Nor peak of potential for that matter.
Master Anarchy.
PS. 2 last things. Repetition is quite effective. I had forgotten Tavin until it occurred again. An occurence around the middle lines would have well reinfirced the scene.
2ndly, "Their forms remember forgotten time" or "There, forms recalling forgotten time."
But who is singing the deathsong in all the lands beyond for ages? Such inconsistencies detract, for all the apparrent dramatic act.
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Oh. This is quite a tale taht you have spun for us in your poem.
It seems like it could be about any war but it makes me think of the desert and the war we have going in Iraq. And that made me kind of sad because really is a ugly thing and I hate to think of what it is like for them over there right now. I think you did a good job of expressing yourself on this subject.
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excellent
Wow, great job flowed wonderfully, fantastic imagery creating pictures in the mind of the reader. So sad that the wars of yesterday may be but memories, but have the lessons been learn.
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