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Her little secrets

She walks through the night,
Looking at the Cheshire cat moon.
Looks down at her arms,
The ray of light.
Shows the cuts and bruises on her arm,
Knowing who it's from.

Never able to wear the short skirts or the shorts,
Not wanting to look at what he's done.
The rose with thorns then his name,
Engraved on her thigh.
Wearing baggy clothes to hide everything,
Telling people she gets cold easily.

Looking at the food making her want to puke,
Smiling weakly telling her friends she already ate.
Not surprised they believe her,
As she puts on an act.
Sighing quietly to herself,
Not wanting to eat at all.
Lies her way through,
So no one will make her eat.

As she presses the dagger deeper,
Ignoring the small puddles of blood,
Watching it get re-open.
Laughing coldly as she feels the pain,
Yes, she loves pain.

As he pins her against the wall,
Wanting his drug.
Waiting for the ecstasy,
Doesn't bother to escape.
Knowing he'll just engrave her more,
Carving her like she's a pumpkin.
He thrusts harder,
She likes it rough.
She knows she's a whore,
But not a slut.

Her hair messy,
Finding a tank top and her short shorts.
Sighing to herself as he marked her again,
This time instead of a rose it was a carnation.
Looks at the mirror and growls low,
Punching her mirror.
Watching it shatter all over the place,
Ignoring the blood dripping down her pale hand.
Picking up a sharp piece up,
Digging it into her leg.
Then rips it out biting her lower lip,
Tears fall down like a rainfall.
Buys a new one,
Surprised they can't tell the difference.
Nor notice what's going on.

They say you can tell what their soul is,
Through their eyes.
No one can tell what she's about to.
Her eyes are emotionless,
Dead.
All because of her family,
The ones she use to love,
They don't know what they did to her mind.

What's wrong with insanity?
Having a fascination with sharp objects?
Even let alone death?
She's died so many times.
But yet why is she still alive?
She knows why,
For other peoples amusement.

Their always gone,
Never notice.
The suicidal,
Never eating.
Never notice the drawings of death,
Murder.
They don't ever realize what their daughter is.
Having MPD.
Knowing what's it like to kill,

Bella Knoll
1:25pm 5/12/07

A contest entry

Comments please

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    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 18 of 18

  • Riftkin gold member
    August 18, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    wow this is way to much for me to deal with

    way to close to things

  • unraveled
    August 10, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    err... this could be interpreted under the rules as similar to the example i asked people not to write, but i won't disqualify this... i'm unsure why she can't wear short shorts and then she wears them anyways, and why he carves flowers on her. ?

    with revision this could definitely be a good emo poem but i'm thinking you're not interesting in revising considering you didn't take any of Aesthete's advice... so i won't leave you any. thanks for entering.

    cassidy


  • NickelleteXninja
    June 14, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    'What's wrong with insanity?
    Having a fascination with sharp objects?
    Even let alone death?
    She's died so many times.
    But yet why is she still alive?
    She knows why,
    For other peoples amusement.'


    I really think that I was tearing up while reading this

    its amazing how much i felt like this was me.. I imagined all the pain, the disappointment in myslef, the hiding, the scars, the wish.... all in me

    wow thanks for entering, its greatly appreciated


  • Aesthete
    June 6, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Also i did not mean to be that emoticon in

  • Aesthete
    June 6, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Sadomasochism is a truly a terrible compulsion. I'll be frank; after this read I felt quite sickened. I was half way in between puking and cursing profusely. This does not necessarily mean that it was a bad poem however. It was the topic…mostly.

    "Looks down at her arms,
    The ray of light.
    Shows the cuts and bruises on her arm,
    Knowing who it's from."

    The punctuation here is frequently horrendous and I'm afraid it is elsewhere as well. Having excessive punctuation in a poem doesn’t look the best even if it is done well in my opinion, so if you do like to punctuate everything be damn good at it. Firstly, a semi colon after “looks down at her arms would be nice”. ( Then there should be no period after "The ray of light" because it is connected to "shows the cuts and bruises on her arm". It is all one continuous statement. The ray of light shows the cuts and bruises on her arm. Then "knowing who it’s from" sounds very out of place after that. I would suggest a space or another semi colon to symbolize a pause and a break of thought. It may be relevant to the rest but isn't in the same course of thought. As such, it fucks up the pacing.

    The next section is in dire need of revision as well, both grammatically and stylistically. I'm not going to point anything out for this one except to say that is okay to use the word “she” or perhaps state an actual name. Allow your viewer to get situated with what’s going on, or maybe even get more familiar.

    I imagine you hate my guts by now, but please do not despair. The next part improves considerably from the previous filth. The punctuation is much better aligned to the words. Also to aid the rhythm I would recommend spacing when you change direction in thought. I have said this to several contestants already. It is very important to put spaces to divide different or new ideas and parts. It's just like inserting a paragraph in prose. For instance in the lines ".Not surprised they believe her/ As she puts on an act." are together as one. This would serve well as a couplet. The lines are connected to describing one thing. The lines before and after do that as well. Separating them would help with the overall flow and understanding. New thought means a new stanza. This helps enormously with reader comprehension and over all pacing.

    Now for the praise (and here you thought it wasn't coming.) Since I commented that means I thought it wasn’t absolute shit, congratulations. There were some powerful lines and you expressed this revolting subject decently in your fashion. “As she presses the dagger deeper/ ignoring the small puddles of blood/ watching it get re-open/ laughing coldly as she feels the pain” is a well written bit of revulsion. Except for “get re-open”. It sounds very grade school. Also the ending did a very good job of summing up the grotesqueness. With some serious revision this could be good a poem.

    I would like to stress in conclusion the need for better punctuation, proper separation of stanzas, and I would ask you for the sake of your readers to pursue stronger continuity. There were some very good parts but they were nearly unrecognizable in a sea of incongruent phrases mashed together.
    Cheers.


    • Never Fall in Love
      August 14, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Oh dear ... I have NEVER seen anyone spend so much time correcting another's poem. In all honesty, I wouldn't do it either.


  • Death4Hire13
    May 29, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    First things, what's MPD? It's probably obvious, but I never get the obvious things.
    Second, well done. Very sad and depressing. The rhythm was a bit off, and I think you might have misspelled something. I don't really know what to say about this piece, though. It seems like what I want to say has already been said. Good luck in my contest!


  • CianLOVES
    May 24, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Although this is not dirty pretty I realy liked this poem espeically the ending. & for that reason I shall keep it in my contest. Well done & thanks for entering my contest! x


  • WishMeAway--x
    May 24, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    wow, so much emotion and so much pain is running through all of these lines. this poem is absolutely fantastic. definately one of my favorites.

    great job on this and good luck darling

    ♥Chaos


  • Darkened eyes
    May 24, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    This is really well written and full of such description and emotion, a great poem, good luck


  • SarahEatsAirplane
    May 16, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This is so great. I can feel so much emotion coming off of it, it makes me so sad.
    But this was wonderfully written. I think this is a great poem. good job.


  • electric supernova
    May 16, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Wonderfully dark as always, darling. Also, as always, your spelling and grammar sucks. I love you anyway.


  • voodoo ink Greeters member
    May 14, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    It's like a downward spiral, this one is...hopeless and leading straight down into the darkness...Nicely written and the message of bitterness of love and family jumped out and grabbed me, my therapist gets her ear filled weekly with it....Excellent writing here, poet, thanks for the entry...


  • I Am Gun
    May 14, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    wow this was definatly a dark write; i really enjoyed your form i like it when people mix things up so props for that, i'm taking it that this was option one so good job and good luck
    chrissy


  • Luciferschild
    May 14, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    lines 26 - 35, are they meant to b e taken literally as the he you describe is an actual person or is it meant to be figurative as if he was the blade that cut the narrator? either way it puts and interesting twist on the poem, very well written, thank you for entering and good luck


  • Wayne Leon Learmond
    May 12, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    Brilliant and dark

    This is dark, deep and very very emotional. It is an 'angst' piece as well. Aside from the spelling mistakes, this is very very good indeed. I would say that the flow is brilliant. Keep writing, you are very good. Just make sure that your spellings are up to scratch. All the best.

    Wayne


  • ronfan6
    May 12, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    good god!

    this i have to say is amazingly dark, i loved it because man i know people like this and to read about it only makes me feel evern more alive. i loved reading this beecause it opens eyes to truth, showing with life is like, the life some will never even know. the title is very appropiate and i believe this is onle of my favorite poems i've ever read that is so dark and true. thank you for writing such truth like this. and this is getting two applauds.
    -♥;

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