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I Cant Live Tonight

And if, we fall, tonight,
Would you hold me, help me survive,
Cos I cant live alone, tonight.

I’m in above my head,
I'm turning round to face you,
and I'm feeling that I miss you,

And everything you ever said is crashing round inside my head and everything you ever did is turning me around and I start to think I start to breathe, I cant live alone tonight,

If we fall tonight,
If I can never make it right,
will you miss me tomorrow, as I miss you tonight,

And we’re changing so damn fast,
we’re turning to our past,
and I don't know, who we are

And every dream I ever had,
is smashed and torn upon your bed,
and this last time I want you to know,
this last time I want to show,
will you believe, that I cant live alone tonight

And if we fall tonight, through crashing lights, we’re gonna fight, it seems so right, it always does, when everything is going every way and I cant see and I cant sleep Im in too deep the traffic lights are flashing by you’re all I need when I sleep its you I see you’re every breath I breathe i can't survive without amber eyes you decide can I live or die you're coming round to see my dreams but in my head I scream to you I breathe for you and I cant be alone tonight,
I cant live alone tonight

Author notes

Fairly self explanatory, there is no hidden meaning. Its about a girl with amber eyes

Any improvements would be welcome, comments, critiques, anything

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Comments


  • natchstucco
    July 30, 2007

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    Mixed

    starts out good and trends to go into a story but was a poem but is a story. I did feel that it has potential as lyrics though. little trimming and some changes and this would be a bang up song.


  • Master Anarchy
    June 3, 2007

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    ...So I Shall Live Tomorrow.

    OK: so we fall. They say one dies of a heart attack before hitting the ground. Perhaps a pair of loving arms would make the journey more profound.

    Please use ' 's, eg. in the "I'm", if only to differentiate it from "(h)im".

    "I'm turning round to face you,
    and
    I'm feeling that I miss you."
    might both visually and word wise have a dramatically increased impact.

    So far, I like the intensity: I can see large slabs of long lines ahead...here we go...

    a comma after "turning me around", while it might interrupt the breathless flow of the two lines might also reflect the experience more strongly, poetically?

    Like the repetition; and those first two long lines were worth it.

    "...miss me tomorrow
    as
    I miss you.." would complement well the suggested "and" above.

    [Note: I do not actually counsel changes be made. Rather, 'Please consider' if another poem might benefit in its future writing.]

    "into (our past)" or "to (our past)"? The latter has a better flow, IMHO.

    "And every dream I ever had is smashed and torn upon your bed and/
    this last time i want you to know, this last time i want/
    to show will you belive that I cant live alone tonight" - this line division might, especially seen above the next set of run on lines, hold greater/enhanced meaning.

    "without your amber eyes" - the possessive pronoun would not go astray here, IMO. Otherwise, why not search some other pair of amber eyes? Felines often enough have them.

    "your coming round" - the semi-allusion to "you're" and the intrinsic ambiguity in any case...

    "in my head I scream to you I breathe for" might, by way of contrast at this end of the peom, heighten impact.

    Also, I would, for sake of truth, especially at this end of the piece, rid it of the words "Be" and "live", or at least the "live" - which one clearly can: such is tantamount to emotional blackmail, and rarely elicits respect in the Object of Desire, for all, one imagines, were one's to burst from one's breast, the Waves of Blood would exceed the Tsunami.

    TC,
    Master Anarchy.

    • darragh corrigan
      June 5, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks, as you can see I used most of your suggestions, but this is a song so I tried to avoid slowing down the rhythm of the "slabs" of text


  • Adabard
    May 14, 2007

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    This is a rather different way of expressing love to someone. Most people go for a more straight-forward approach, but you actually incorporated her into being your life, almost the sole reason for you existence, it's very good. I really enjoyed it. In a sense, I kind of hope you don't actually feel that way unless she returns the feelings, because that can't destroy a person...that's from personal experience. Other than that, you held my attention very well, it had a nice flow, and a solid rhythm. Keep it up!