Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read Contests Groups Learn Forums Store Help
 

Johnny does Detox & Sings for His Lunch

 

 

 

 

 

 

Afflecks Palace buzzes

with bee-like drones on a Saturday.
Busy day, busy-busy people,
petting and preening

for the bank-balancing tricks

of daily dirges.
Angeline, sits lotus-like
corner of Tib Street
waits for Johnny-
his first day out
seven days into detox,
gets him an early-doors pass.


She plucks cellophane wraps
from chewing gum held in her hand,

disguising last night's party-breath.
[knowing he'd had a week of it!

hellish hounds
on his tail]


She was going to treat him:
a veggie burger from the second floor
then head up to Lil's Antiques,
to play dress-up with the old clothes
& super-stylish hats.
-Johnny played sax in Matt & Phred's
Ange tended bar several nights a week.
he said she had gypsy eyes & fruiterer lips
claimed that the frottage of her flamenco
skirts would flip any man's coin.



Angeline asked him,
as they ploughed through taco crisps

& hummus at Sam's.
-
if you know all those big words
  why can't you stop drinking.

Johnny picked his sax
from its case & busked-out
some Charlie Parker
[the whole cafe-clique,
stopped; silent and listened]

 





 

Author notes

another slice of life from Angeline and held within the Manchester Musings

In a list

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 42 of 42
  • Karl Parkinson
    May 20, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Yes, i love the swing that ye put in this hear thing
    it's got that cool jazz beat with the manc swagger mixed in. Love this, as good as anything i have read in
    the last while in mags or books.

  • Nicole Hanna
    May 19, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    You have a great play on sounds going on in the whole poem, specifically the first stanza, and that had a great melodic quality about it that just sucked me right in to the subject. And, though I'm a "me, I, us" kind of poet personally, I absolutely loved the characters of Johnny and Angeline. Though they were outside of the "me", they were still easily relatable because you've created such a detailed scene for them to interact. Loved it


  • Whoochi gold member
    May 17, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    You brought the imagery and feelings alive with this narrative piece, Have been in rehab so I understand the feelings and the insightfulness. Splendid work!


  • truembrace
    May 17, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    about your writing ...

    I do believe you have the uncanny ability to bring us to every street sign if you wanted to, to see every crease on the ground and any other detail that is carried into your imagery - then in comes those items that describe Manchester so close to you with the names of buildings, ... that certain lingo that pulls us into another world (a bit of a sabatical from our own).

    yes - the writing is as strong as ever.

    as Mary said, "worth the wait"...

  • wendymolly
    May 16, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    wow.


  • ArtFullyMe gold member
    May 15, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    .

  • darragh corrigan
    May 14, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Perfectly portrayed

    Whoah, this is class. At first I wasn't sure, the whole rehab thing seemed a little contrived but its actually really cool. I love the whole randomness, the slice-of-life style that really captures the essence of everyday living.
    I couldnt help but think of this as a clip from an art-house/film noir movie as I read it. Nice one!

    Only think is the title, it seems slightly clunky, it could be snappier.


    • NurseChilly gold member
      May 15, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      I kinda like the title... even though it may be clunky... it sorta fits the scene...

      but i thank you for your great comment...



      G.x


  • Trueheartforlife
    May 14, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Great

    This poem really comes to life. My favorite part was:

    Angeline asked him,
    as they ploughed through taco crisps

    & hummus at Sam's.
    - if you know all those big words
    why can't you stop drinking.
    Johnny picked his sax
    from its case & busked-out
    some Charlie Parker
    [the whole cafe-clique,
    stopped; silent and listened]



    That was a nice way to end it and made the reader feel very content at the end.


  • firechilde
    May 13, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    excellent

    I really enjoyed this poem. Thank you.I dont have any more applauses or i would have given you some.


  • Cat gold member
    May 13, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    oh, this is so good! this is a twist on the angeline series and well worth the variation-

    m

  • Yvette Champ gold member
    May 13, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Your skill at characterization is amazing,your characters come to life with their idiosyncrasies and that you make them lovable despite their personal peccadillos is pure poetry,you weave the outlandish with the ordinary and produce people,places,ambience and attract your audience with the same talent as johnny fingering the notes of the bird man and letting them fly to still a new audience,wunderbar!!!

    • NurseChilly gold member
      May 15, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      thank you Yvette.... when I get some bloody free time, I shall be around your porch, for a sit and a read

      stay well and happy my friend




  • Brazos silver member
    May 12, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    The girl can't help it...

    Johnny can play the sax, and use the "big" words, but he can't do it without drinking. Without it, he's just a nervous little boy, no matter what's underneath her little flamenco skirts...

    Good write, Nurse.
    Brazos


  • DogFish silver member
    May 12, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    ...a reet treat!


  • Heart Sutra
    May 12, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Ah, yes, this is a fantastic series Gill. I think one day you will have to turn it into a publication. It reminds me just a bit of Kim Addonzio's "Jimmy and Rita." This year she is coming out finally with a sequal to that poetry series.

  • Suzanne Dia
    May 12, 2007
    Edit | Reply


    They never stop breaking our hearts.


  • zara
    May 12, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I am currently envious of anyone who can write more than 15 or 20 lines of poetry, since that seems to be my current limit. That you can make a narrative with such detail is wonderful.

    That said, you might consider a little paring down...for example, is the first stanza necessary? Some adjectives ("nervous", for example) could go, as I think your images are clear and strong without them. And "veggie burgers" is fine just once (and besides, there's a nasty missused apostrophe the second time - you!).

    Wouldn't reduce it by much, though, so as not to lose the voice.

    The last three lines are a bit of syntactical hiccup. Maybe it's just the semicolon - the sentence works without any punctuation there, in my opinion.

    All this is picky, of course. Love the story, the scenario, and the voice overall. Bravo.



    • NurseChilly gold member
      May 15, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      i've had a jiggle with it... pared down a little and why O' why did i put that bloody apostrophe there??? huh!!!

      aaaaaahh... well tis mended now... thank you, you of the keen eye and helpt too...

      • zara
        May 15, 2007
        Edit | Reply
        I think it's infectious. The apostrophe.


  • -ButterflyCuts-
    May 12, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Gilly...you blow me away sometimes...


  • jaunty pill gold member
    May 12, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Hey the poem is bigger...Or I'm hallucinating...lol.

    • NurseChilly gold member
      May 15, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      poem not bigger... lolololol

      its just adjusted its boddice fastenings... lololol --- that is, I've altered some of the enjambment as suggested... but as for the voice, it has to be a Manchester voice and not an American one James, so some of the language needs to have the GRIT... but thanks for the head's up... always take thought

      but if we changed everything to suit EVERYBODY.. we'd have nothing left of our plumery... ...

  • jaunty pill gold member
    May 12, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    I am so glad to see that you entered the contest. As for the poem there are things I truly loved and things I didn't...

    I think that the poem has some really important lines and the poetry itself is wrapped in a smart package...But , If you look at how the words play out loud it is all rather uneven. I think it has a lot to do with the punctuation choices and the format...It separates in places and draws too much attention to sound in the wrong areas, For example: In the first section of the poem you play off the same sounds and it comes off rather hard to read. Especially if you take into consideration the punctuation itself. So my critique is that it relies too much on word play , Forgetting some people hear the words in their head...Making it stop and go and rather chunky sounding.

    I do love the fifth stanza though...Even with the italics , Which funny enough I mentioned on another poem in this same contest that I don't think it is needed. The poem is strong really without fancy forms , Etc. I mean you did use the dashes to separate the focus so I think that could have been enough. Italics are really good for shifts in a poem but with both dashes and italics in place it sort of takes away from the poem.

    All in all I think you should decide where and how to incorporate punctuation and imagery to make a more distinct flow to the reader which is not bound to rather strange sounding repetitions.

    Hope you are well darling and good luck in the contest ,
    James

    • NurseChilly gold member
      May 14, 2007

      Edit | Reply
      its been through a few changes... some things in .. some out... some have stayed the same

      but on the whole.. i like the voice of this.. as it's mine.. well Angeline's... and she's a stickler for keeping it real ----- ie: in a Manchester way...

      but i do appreciate your views and words James... and I love your critiques, they do make me sit up and read...


  • PrincessOfFire
    May 12, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Sadly no matter how wise we are, we become deaf, blind and unable to control ourselves at certain times of life. Drugs have a life that controls you, even though many say you can stop anytime, I did!
    Great write that makes reader ponder. Thanks for sharing.
    Rose


  • katfair
    May 12, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This may be my favorite Angeline yet.
    Love the whole thing my dear!
    Your unfolding stories, like cinema, like a good novel, hey like a good poem, poet,
    love blue moments

    love saxophones of course

    love the wrapper of chewing gum in her nervous hands
    your details are fine
    and I can hear the music wafting around their bodies
    and wistful hearts

    bravo
    kat


  • Drac
    May 12, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Interesting and good poem!
    Don't really know what more to say... Just that, it was good =)

  • Mickie27
    May 12, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This is a good poem it makes you want to read on and is very interesting. It is very inspiring to read you take the reader on a journey and the words that you use grip the reader and take them into your world as a writer. It is deep and riveting. I could imagine this being in a book you could in effect take the ideas of this poem and write a book from it, it has that type of language. Bravo!!!


  • Annalise
    May 12, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I'm lovin' the way this fades out; no ending, really... but the fading notes of the sax.

    I love how you throw in conversation and make it poetic. Damn good poetry move there.

    Yeah, I love these 'manchester musings'...


  • Dalaney gold member
    May 12, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This reads like a good book
    that ends too quickly...I
    want more, but then, I am
    always greedy when it comes
    to your poetry. You are the
    best, my friend, and an
    inspiration to me...Love, Lane

    • NurseChilly gold member
      May 14, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Lane... if you were a bloke.. I'd snog ya.. (kiss) ... but heck... c'mer lovely lady.....>>>>> snogs... hehehhe

      luv ya... Gilly x

  • Rowan gold member
    May 12, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I think this is one of my favorite of yours. This is fabulous, what a trip.
    Excellent, from the words "fruiter lips..to frottage of her flamenco" wow.
    Loved this one.

  • Kamikaze Jones
    May 12, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Bravo

    Fucking BRA-VO. I love it, love it, looooove it. I don't know if you've ever known somebody who's been in rehab or done it yourself, but they're usually smart, well-spoken cats who know exactly what's up, and all you can think is, "If you know so many big words why can't you stop drinking?" It brilliantly captures that vibe, and I'm down for any poem that brakes for a saxaphone solo. Lyrical jazz making it's own riff, and I dig it big-time. Clap-clap, yo.


  • misselaineous
    May 12, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    perfect

    as rich and as alive and as complex as the mosaics that adorn Affleck's my dear...
    i think this is my fave in the series thus far
    bloodyluverley
    elaine


    • NurseChilly gold member
      May 14, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      i luv you....

      psstt... when we going out on the town.... soon i hope...

1 - 42 of 42