Laying up in a limbo between
Two different astral planes
The other asleep, the other awake
Close your eyes and try
Not to hear the world swirling
Around you
The traffic, the noise, the waves
The tension emanating you
Be a pretender, the world's in existence
But the soft dark, recesses of your
Subconscious mind
Starts to drift further...and...further
And then the real world begin to clash its
Thick armor-plated head against
The padded wall of your subconscious
Memoirs barge into your thoughts
Then the wall is breached and
Small voices scream
"The end! The end! The end!"
A contest entry
- WORD PROMPT #1 by going nowhere.
900 points, ended May 14, 2007, 17 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - reality is a disease by Envelope.
425 points, ended May 30, 2007, 17 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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Like always a very well composed poem well thouhgt out and full of images and drawma!
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it was good for what it was, a bit of the phrasing didnt sit well with me, usually grammar is the last thing im looking at but in this case a few words kinda detracted from the experience
"world begin to clash its"
like there for example...and the transition from past to present tense kinda threw me off a few times,
on the brightside i enjoyed your descriptions and the general idea and form you used...maybe polish this up a bit before the contest closes..there is a lot of potential
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WOW...Fantastic write..I felt as if I were entranced within the lines..I cant tell you how I felt this very way just tonight..brilliant imagery in each line of this write....
best wishes with this entry
Peace
~M~
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'Close your eyes and try
Not to hear the world swirling
Around you'
have you ever tried not to do something... like not hum that same song in your head over and over??? the more you try NOT to, the harder it makes it! These lines were great. The title of the poem was perfect for this piece... deep and thought provoking. thanks for the entry and best wishes in the contest.
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Quite a deep poem written here. You almost hyponotised me with your first three stanzas. I felt myself 'succumbing' to your words. Then reality hit and I was made to 'succumb' so much differently.
Great write.
All the best to you with this.
Gaylene
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