and your voice, your big scornful voice,
it says: "I told you, I said you couldn't make it."
#
Radio buzz,
electric hotspot,
an itch in your conciousness;
I was a liability
incessant whine,
death in the headphones
dress was a fanfare
the restaurant: white noise
it was once true you touched me
these days I touch myself;
rarely and better
even than him
[oh, but your voice is a parade
it screams and thrashes at my senses
shakes me awake to the light that
sneaks into this room,
this room that we once slept in
I promise: a mistake]
acid, acid in the blood
and you, the face of
a politician
a creep
a coward;
salvation
[you are not mine,
it is just that I see your smile
as a penance, your smirk
a joke at humanity's expense,
no, no, you are not]
I see Mandy in disguise
she promises me freedom:
"Why is it that we never love a man
as much as we love a woman?"
and Jesus hangs His head
in shame.
Author notes
Editing - so much. Any suggestions are greatly appreciated. I started it, replacing 'few have fallen so far...etc'. Edited again.
A contest entry
- You know who you are... by Nicole Hanna.
11000 points, ended June 8, 2007, 12 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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Congratulations on your gold trophy, Wonderful flow of words. Very good detail. It was a pleasure to read.
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Thanks, but it was a bronze.
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Congratulations..interesting and thought provoking..I like that.
A well deserved win.
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Thank you. Barbie. Xx
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sigh.... sorry but you lost me entirely...
congratulations..
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Thank you. Lol, I'm perfectly happy to explain. I'm very surprised to have won anything - I thought this was a mess. *Shrug* - very grateful though. Barbie. Xx
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Hey I remember this poem as it's in nicole's contest that I'm helping judge...lol. This is like the second poem so far I've been sent to that I've already read for this same particular contest. What an odd thingy indeed.
Anyways with that information out of the way I have a few things that I'd like to mention. " acid, acid in the blood
and you, the face of
a politician, a creep, a coward: " - The punctuation here is overwhelming...It may just hold the piece together but it makes it read completely stunted. A bit of a spacing change would help that issue. I would like to say that the poems first two stanza's seem out of place...They are shorter and less effective than the rest of the piece. Almost as though you started in one frame of mind and switched gears mid-way. " I was a liability
but you learned more
from me
than I ever
learned
from you " - This seems to hold the poem in place but I wonder if it's placement is beneficial to the rest of the piece...I think it feels added as an afterthought. A smoother connection may help here.
Your ending in brilliant and I fell in love with the fourth stanza from the top...The whole " incessant whine " imagery was beautifully done.
So in the end I truly enjoyed this piece and am glad you reminded me of it in the contest. I got around to commenting on it sooner than I was planning as a judge.
Hope this comment was helpful.
All the best and take care ,
James
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Yeah, I tend to do that sometimes - start somewhere and finish in a completely different place. I know that this needs work (hence sending you here) and your suggestions all seem to be the things that I got stuck on, so I'm likely to work on those. Sorry for dragging you here sooner than you'd planned. Barbie. Xx
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I'm glad you dragged me here. Got my ass moving sooner than I planned originally...lol. I'll check back off and on obviously during the contest and outside to see what changes you make, etc...If you finish editing sooner just nail me with an IM and I'll try to stop in right away. Your poetry is always refreshing to read.
- James -
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I had a go. It's still not there yet. Needs some more criticism. Barbie. Xx
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ooh smack! lol That whole "these days I touch myself" stanza almost made me clap my hands in ridiculous giddy glee.
And of course, because Jesus seems to pop up in my poetry more often than not, that last line was glorious. Thanks so much for giving me a poem like this to enjoy for the contest
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Thanks for the compliment (that includes the invitation). Barbie. Xx
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Caz- I never comment on your poetry anymore, or anyone else's, but I felt I had to say something after reading this. It may not be perfect and you may not be happy with it but there were some lines that were just so beautifully honest
'it was once true you touched me
these days I touch myself'
Although we are in very different situations relationship wise, as I read your poem, I felt I was part of it- maybe because I was seeing the events through your eyes, or perhaps because you are such a close friend.
I greatly value honesty in poems and that is something your writing has never lacked.
Keep writing Cazoline, keep writing x -
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Aw, thanks Soph - I miss you loads and loads. You know me - I'm honest by accident. Entered a national poetry contest recently - doubt I'll win but it feels good to enter. Caz. Xx P.S. I'm now Secretary of Poetry & Short Story Society at Uni so would love to check out any literary/poetry/theatre stuff in Chelsea/London and stay with you if that's ok next year? Obviously, you'd be invited to shindigs & I'd be happy to put you up in our house if you fancy a visit to Colchester.
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Ms Barbie exposed in loving colour, with surround sound and a heart pressed against the glass ceiling. I like; there is something about your etchings that offer hope, even after the door shuts in ones face. Still life on a park bench looking up wondering if anyone is looking down is no more waisted than flipping burgers or working a drop press. ---- Thank you. (Barbie on the edge, looking inwards, reflecting outwards.)
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Lol, thanks but I'm not sure it's any good yet. Barbie. Xx
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