Let me but taste that hallowed place
where streams run rapidly in pursuit of deeper drink.
And let rounded, twin pools of intellect and passion
be cups poured out recklessly to quench your sweetest thirst.
And let my tributary force infuse its sip into that vast, foaming expanse
where waters thrive in supple permeation.
Oh how I would run and dive and splash and bathe and be refreshed forever!
...if you would only bid me dip.
In a list
- 3-Bronzes • next in list
- Love Poems • next in list
- 1-Golds • next in list
- 0-Personal Favorites • next in list
- Searchings • next in list
- Sensual • next in list
A contest entry
- Let me in! by Lavender Butterfly.
390 points, ended May 13, 2007, 12 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - a place to put some pre-loved poems. by DancingRed.
300 points, ended May 20, 2007, 21 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Love...Loved by Procrastination.
375 points, ended May 26, 2007, 49 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - [[ Unrequited Love and a Longing for You ]] by ThatONEweirdChick.
602 points, ended September 24, 2007, 47 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
I love CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM. Any suggestions?
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
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How did I miss this?
The first four words, rather classical construction, establish expectations for word selection, structure, level of language generally and you don't disappoint.
Top to bottom this thing is water tight - if I'm infusing the sip correctly.
I love this piece, ten.
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Tantalizing
This is so sensual. You use most evocative language!
"Let my tributary force infuse its sip..." Marvelous! It just trips off the tongue teasing and tempting but calling with an aching desire. Very well written!
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wow, congrats on the trophies. I don't really have any constructive criticism to give this because it was just great. lots of emotion in there. Just wanted to tell ya.
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Wow. Very nicely put. If only a dip eh? Yeah..
Thanks for adding it! -
Excellent
Oh my this is truly so sensuous and touching. And very many congrats on your shiny trophies for this one. Very well deserved.
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THanks so much.
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Coupling a breezy coolness with an amount of sensual undertone made this poem quite intriguing. It has all the descriptions of nature, but all the subtle feel of passion under the surface. Beautiful!
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A beautiful metaphoric piece. I loved the flow of it and especially loved the last line, it has an old world charm that is captivating. In the 5th line though I don't think you meant it's as it is, Should be its, so probably a typo. Lovely form and flow and the imagry is quite vibrant. Loved it hun, great work.
Bunny
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Thanks for the kind words--especially the heads up on the unnessecary apostrophe. I am normally a stickler for that kind of thing. Grammar and spelling errors are like scarlet letters for me--so thanks again for calling it to my attention! Glad you liked my little diddy.
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I like it, I like it alot.
It is very individual, I have read nothing like it before.
Welldone on a outstanding poem.
Goodluck in the contest.
Emily x -
Great metaphor used in these lines - vivid visuals one imagines as weill here. Two trophies already - well worth the read.
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These words are so deep and powerful. I have no suggestions for improvements except to perhaps make the line length shorter overall and more uniform.
I do however, have lots of things I already love about this poem, especially the beginning. 'Taste' and 'place' give that lovely almost-rhyme flow to the first line. In the next line 'run rapidly' changes the flow to something more smooth and quick.
Your poem moves gently down the page like a waterfall, or something equally beautiful and majestic. Such amazing imagery to convey lovely emotions. The last line is sadder, but sweeter also; I feel it gives a lot of meaning to the wonderful descriptions beforehand.
Thanks so much for entering.
DancingRed.
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Superb imagery and wonderful metaphor. Quite a captivating piece indeed. Thanks so much for sharing... x Love and light, Butterfly.
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Beautfiul imagery here my friend!! The promote does invoke different imagery in her head doesnt it??
There is a loot of serenity in this write that is very delightful to read!! I esp like the last para...where u end so beautifully giving life to your imagination!! Delightful read!!
Good luck in the contest!!
preets
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A beautiful metaphorical piece Just lovely.
All the best to you with this, but doubt you need any luck
Gaylene
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I was hooked and lovin' this until that last line which somehow sounded silly to me. Excellent for the most part. I like the way the third sentence runs on and the emotion of the second-last line.
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what, in particular, did you find silly about the last line?
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Just the phrase bid me dip sounded strange to me but that's just me.
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I see where you are coming from --"bid" is a bit of an old-fashioned word, at least as it is used in my poem. I chose bid rather than ask or something else primarily for that reason-- because the age of the word seems to add a loftier, timeless sense to the asking, for me. Also, I definitely like the assonance of "bid" with "dip". Since you first read that line, I have added the word "only" to make "bid" less abrupt and also perhaps a bit more modern. Thanks for calling it to my attention. I love it when people speak honestly about my poetry good or bad. I may not have fixed the "silliness" completely, but hopefully my small change will have helped it somemwhat.
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