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e x i t p l a n

just
thirteen
ripped paper
scribbled goodbye
rope sufficient length
exposed basement beam right
height to end his bruised young life 
deed done he swung limbs madly flailed,
with pain-pierced wails she mustered strength to
cut him loose cradled and rocked while with white
sleeve soiled by foul death she gently mopped
his boyish brow stroked limp hair kissed
rope burned neck and purple lips
strove in vain to close his
bulging eyes why why
her sickened moan
b e a u t i f u l
boy now
gone



Author notes

Suicide from a mother's perspective.

Please, if you are depressed or are contemplating ending your life,
speak with a parent or a trusted adult.
Please, please - nothing is worth taking your life;
everything can be resolved to some extent and forgiven.
What you will leave behind are shattered lives:
your family's and your friends'.


If you are depressed and/or suicidal, please get help. Here are a few resources:

metanoia ~ http://www.metanoia.org ~ http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/

AFSP Association for Suicide Prevention ~ http://www.afsp.org/

NAMI National Association of Mental Illness ~ http://www.nami.org/

Parents, there's help for you, too!

Parental Stress Line ~ 1-800-632-8188 ~ www.parentshelpingparents.org

In a list

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 54 of 54
  • Scott-B-
    September 22

    Edit | Reply
    Wow, that was truly amazing and very touching. Gilt is one thing that keeps me alive at the moment. x


  • perfectsunset gold member
    May 28

    Edit | Reply
    Wow this was just oustanding.
    I love the form in which you
    chose to write this. And the
    emotion within, makes you
    forget there was even a
    form to begin with as the
    sentiments create many shapes
    of their own.

    Loved this. So raw, so harsh,
    so TRUE.

    Thanks for entering & best of luck


  • Ryno
    December 8, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Wow. The first "emo" poem to actually make me FEEL the emotion in the piece - it wasn't raw emotion either - it was strong emotion portrayed through basic visuals.

    Well done. I liked this one.

    • Freed by Mercy silver member
      December 8, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Well, I never thought of this as an "emo" poem. It was my response to the prompt of the first contest I wrote it for, about a thirteen year old who committed suicide. I put myself in the scene and wrote how I'd react, as a mom (since that's what I am). It's had a few edits to refine it.

      Thanks for the comment and the Bronze trophy.

      • Ryno
        December 8, 2008
        Edit | Reply
        Basically, I mean that any piece about suicide I have lost hope in now at being refreshing and new and powerful.

        But this was a different and strong spin to it


  • mizzamerica91
    December 5, 2008

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    I am speechless after reading this, i really am lost for words about it, it is a very well written poem, and i can see why it is one of your favourites, it is good. I dont even know where to begin to describe what it is i like about it, its just amazing.
    I can gather enough words to say that i do really like the structure, the diamond shape works well with the poem.
    Good luck in the contest,
    Devon


  • FallenFromGrace1102
    September 30, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Beautiful write, i loved the style. keep up the beautiful work. I wish you the best of luck in my contest and thank you entering this piece. i really liked the lines:

    "just
    thirteen
    ripped paper
    scribbled goodbye
    rope sufficient length"

    *~*bee*~*


  • Symphony
    September 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    and again, all i can say to this one, is WOW. Nothing more, nothing less.

    Form was spectacularly spot on; and as for the story told; well - heartbreaking, and so vivid. Amazing job


  • SignifyingNothing
    August 8, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I'm kind of speechless. It's beautiful but horrifying to me. I mean, the mother's love, her pain, the horrifc imagrey...this is uncomfortably close to my life and its hitting home. A brutal and honest write. Truly great. But I have to click away now.


  • Immortal Obscurity gold member
    July 4, 2008

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    Indeed, it is a heartwrenching piece that really hit home for me. I've suffered from depression my entire life, and I've made my attempts on it many times... But I think that the one thing keeping me from going all the way was my mum... My loving, supportive mum, who stood by me through absolutely anything, and she didn't deserve to feel pain because of me.

    Just thinking back on those times is making me want to cry... Beautiful poem, yet for the wrong reasons, and thanks so much for entering.

    Laura x


  • screaminginmyhead
    February 24, 2008

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    This is a wonderfully writen, heartwrenching, wish I hadn't seen it, because it will stick with me poem. I don't know what to say except I'm sorry and thank you


  • leander Moderators member
    February 18, 2008

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    This is a very sad poem that you have written here, and I totally agree that nothing is worth taking your own life.

    Though it is a form that you have written, I missed a bit punctuation in this one.

    thank you for entering the contest, I wish you the best of luck!
    Leander


  • RedwingSpirit silver member
    December 31, 2007

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    Freed by Mercy WOW utterly speechless The shape is flawless, the poem UHHH Don't now what to say. Very emotional. I wish you the best of luck in my contest thank you for entering


  • parntsoftwins
    December 10, 2007

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    This poem is absolutely heart wrenching. I could never imagine being a mother and having to go through something like that. Truly heart breaking. Suicide is such a painful situation for many in many ways. This is why I urge any child I hear may be depressed into speaking with an adult and asking for help. Nothing good can ever come of someone taking their own life. Not only are they gone but they take with them the soul of many left behind. I pray this is not a true story for you. If it is I am truly sorry and over many hugs. Thank you for choosing to share this is my contest.


  • aeolia
    December 10, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I've never thought about suicide from such a perspective; I'm only a child myself and can't imagine losing one so young to suicide. A couple of years ago back home, a boy in middle school took his own life for Eru knows what reason. He was thirteen.

    Needless to say, this touched me (and it takes a lot to move me). You have fantastic imagery along with the story itself, and the style in which you presented this was lovely, especially the lack of punctuation. It really makes this feel rushed, like the mother's head is reeling as she looks upon the body of her dead son and has to cut him down from the rafters...

    Great work, and thanks for restoring my hope in the future of literature.

    Peace,
    Cristina Delaware


  • Arizona Sunset
    December 10, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    beautifully sad...congrats to you on your silver! Excellent poem`blessings always~


  • AutumnsFlame
    November 3, 2007

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    WOOOAAAHHH it's a diamond! lol.... nice poem. Great description. I have no complaints. Thank you for entering my contest and good luck.


  • gypsyfan
    October 7, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    WOW

    This is quite beautiful..good luck and wow...


  • Exodus gold member
    August 14, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I read your piece, read the authors note, then read it again. There were a few things in particular that I really liked about this poem. The first and most obvious being that it was a boy that lost his life and not a girl. In some sense I think that teenage males have a much harder time dealing with depression. The other was your imagery, your way of describing everything was so vivid you could almost touch it. Thank you for this


  • neon nightmares
    August 9, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    wow

    ooooh, this is bloody amazing, Its soo 'pretty' (for lack of words) Just simply wow. I might have to head off to your page and check out some more of your stuff.
    Hugs and luvvs
    xxx


  • maa gold member
    July 21, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    this is a very difficult subject, and you have handled it with very much sensitivity, avoiding to overwhelm the reader with a too dramatic shock-effect, yet creating sufficient emotion to touch the heart ...
    very few poets succeed in creating a poem that will have this quality ...
    excellent ...


    maa

    ps. thank you so much for recommending my poetry for this project ...

    • Freed by Mercy silver member
      July 21, 2007

      Edit | Reply
      Thank you for your comment. I wanted to concentrate on how I, as a mother would feel coming upon this scene. I think those that contemplate such an act romanticize it's aftermath, if they think of it at all. I wanted to show the reality of the agony this act would cause loved ones to bear.


      PS: You're welcome!


  • Northern Raven
    July 19, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    The first impact this double etheree had on me was instantly good because its so visually pleasing. As I read the content it became clear that though this poem lacks the embellished description that accompanies many poems, it holds stark truth in the reality of the words and that is also a quality in its own right. The imagery couldn’t be more realistic if it had been ‘dressed up to the nines’ and I think the authors message is one that can’t be missed. The loss of a loved one is terrible but to lose them by suicide must be one of the most dreadful experiences that a parent would ever have to face. Looking at the syllable count in the poem I found it to be correct. Now adding the three elements together, perfect form, meaning in the content and a prefect syllable count, I think this poem is certainly one of the best I’ve read today and possibly within this category of the contest, so I’ll comment no further on it. I hope other readers appreciate it for its excellence too.

    Thank you for entering the Raven Contest 2007 and good luck with your entry! Your work may also be viewed by other Raven judges.

    Northern Raven


  • Tamera
    July 13, 2007

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    Very realistic, vivid , great descriptive detail so I love it as poetry which is why as a Mom of teenages I hate the emotions it evokes, but that just means its a great write.


  • Blue Rew silver member
    July 7, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Amazing in it's depth of emotion...
    The perspective well-chosen and the form lends
    itself well (it made me think of a box or cell from
    which the boy thought he only had one escape.)
    Author notes are a bonus and show compassion for those with such sorrow in their lives. Thanks for sharing this...it was an excellent read. Blue

  • Mercury Rising
    July 7, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    A really intense and emotional form poem you have created here. Best of luck in my contest, and thanks for entering.

    David


  • Rizzo-in-the-box
    June 22, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    wow ok i love this because of the point of view it takes and also i really like the way it is typed... but mostly i love how instead of writing about how i want to kill myself you wrote about how it effected someone else.


  • FunnelWaxFate
    June 19, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This poem is the sort to reduce one to tears. It is the sort of poem that makes one question society and whisper, “What have we done, what have we stood back and allowed to happen” this mass destruction to our beautiful youth, teens, still so young, with so much to give to the world, so much life, damaged and desecrated, a mass slaughter…This poem paints a haunting, disturbing and realistic image of suicide, and it invokes such a hysterical sorrow and mourning for all those lost to suicide, the emotions and the imagery in this incredible write are harrowing. The image that really pounced on me was created from the lines, “with pain-pierced wails she mustered strength to
    cut him loose cradled and rocked while with white
    sleeve soiled with foul death she gently mopped
    his boyish brow stroked limp hair kissed
    rope-burned neck and swollen face
    strove desperately to close
    bulging eyes why why” An amazing portrayal, very well written. Stunning write!!!


  • bethan-gaze
    June 11, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Sad topic but WHAT A POEM!You've put so much into this and it shows ... very well done.


  • Night Hope gold member
    June 9, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    "exposed basement beam right
    height to end his bruised young life"

    As I said in my last comment to someone else, we are so much more than the pain we feel, the joy we've known. Suicide is a horrid, permanent "solution" to a temporary problem, as they say. We never know what's coming around the next corner; Life has a way of working things out, with or without our help. All we have to do is wait & keep breathing. I lost my favorite sister to suicide & know others close to me that attempted it, too; their pain, no matter how deep, was nothing compared to the pain they left behind. Depression is largely a chemical imbalance in the brain, something that can easily be treated. There is still so much stigma to mental illness, it prevents many from seeking the help they need ~ & deserve. All of this being said, this is a well~written & powerful piece. Impressive that you've used the form of a double etheree, too. Well done, Poet. Wanda


  • Janice M Pickett
    June 7, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    .

    The poem itself is really well written. However I don't really like the style used. It takea away from the power within your words. If I were you, I would consider changing that if you are asked to go in the AP book. Justa thought because you have a great product to show.
    HUGS


  • cLaSsiX
    June 7, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    awesome poem. the style... though i cant remember which style it is exactly, is wonderful.

    very good write, good luck in the contest.

    -Will


  • tinuelena
    June 6, 2007

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    awesome!

    Looks great! I love the word change, "soiled with foul death" makes perfect sense and sounds great.

    I think, with that change, you may not even need that comma now, but the hyphens really make a difference in clarification.

    Again, great job. I really enjoyed this.

    Elizabeth

  • tinuelena
    June 6, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    Refreshing, for a suicide poem

    I read this a few times, and came to the conclusion that I like it. Most suicide poems are so cliche and filled with such self-pity and dramatic grief that they are almost unbearable to read; yours paints a no-nonsense picture of what happens when a young person takes his life, and that's how the reader takes emotion from this. What you've done here is effective.

    I'm not sure about this line: "while with white
    sleeve stained bloated death she gently mopped
    his boyish brow." I think it would be better without "stained bloated death." I realize it might be filler, to salvage the form of your poem, but try something else-- this seems to only muddle the line, which is unfortunate for a poem which is otherwise seamless.

    I'm wondering about punctuation. I know you would say to me that commas and quotation marks don't belong in this poem, and you would be absolutely right. But hyphenating a few things would offer clarity while not disturbing the structure... for example,

    "limbs madly flailed
    with pain pierced wails"

    Did the boy's limbs madly flail with pain? Did pain pierce the mother's wails? Did the mother have pain-pierced wails? There's your answer... I think you can get away with clarifying small things like that... "pain-pierced wails," "rope-burned neck," etc. Also, you might get away with putting one well-placed punctuation mark between the place where he hung himself and his mother found him, as a device for separation.

    Overall, this was well-written; good use of alliteration, assonance, consonance. The only critique is that an untrained reader with little patience might simply page past this, owing to an inability to tell where one phrase stops and another begins, and I'm concerned about that. Play with it just a little bit, see if anything can be clarified with just that little bit of "cheater" punctuation, and see how it goes.

    I enjoyed this, though. Thoroughly. Congratulations on dealing with an over-handled subject in a unique way.

    Elizabeth

    • Freed by Mercy silver member
      June 6, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you for taking the time to pen such a thorough and thoughtful review. Such a rare and wondrous gift!

      I change the major things you mentioned, and I think they work better now. I used a comma and the hyphens you suggested, and rephrased "stained bloated death" to "soiled with foul death".
      The phrase wasn't a filler, it was an experiment that didn't work.
      I like soiled better, and I needed a one syllable word for "gruesome" or "grisley". The piece is supposed to be a double etheree, but I didn't know that I was supposed to have two 10 syllable lines. I chose not to add the extra line, but to be faithful to the syllable count and shape.

      I will look at it again later, to see if anything else sticks out.
      This is a very experimental piece for me, so I'm pleased that it has worked out as well as it has.

      Again, thank you!


  • cvillelisa
    May 22, 2007

    Edit | Reply


    Thank you for entering the contest. Not a poem I particularly enjoyed reading or would spend time critiquing, that being said, sad subject matter for all involved.

    I live in Massachusetts too.

    Lisa


  • Mirthryl
    May 21, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Very moving piece, excellent descriptive phrases and words, and the form is also beautiful. It's scary how sometimes people choose permanent solutions to temporary problems.

    The title is excellent.

    Emotionally took me right back to an experience in high school, very upsetting.

    So well written that the absence of punctuation doesn't affect the reading, or flow.

    Would you mind telling me what the "with white sleeve stained swollen death" refers to?


  • Mirthryl
    May 21, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    very powerful


  • soulfultia gold member
    May 21, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    You really did a wonderful job not only in creating vivid imagery, but pulling us in slowly with the structure to absorb the words within. Sad, yet showcasing your talent! Wonderful work Something shiney coming your way I believe Good luck in this contest! Always a pleasure to read your work ~Tia


  • Maya Lyubenova
    May 18, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I'm not much in love with poems of death and suicide, but this one is masterfully crafted with descriptive imagery and great sound qualities--alliteration, consonance and assonance used at the exact amount. My best wishes to you in the contest!


  • dp robertson
    May 17, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This is really effective writing on the ghastly topic of youth suicide. It is structured in such a way the reader is taking in snippets and allows the mind to create the images to glue the thing together. It creates a tragic scene doesn’t it? The writing doesn’t hold back either with the clincher-

    she mopped sweat
    from his boyish brow stroked fine hair
    kissed pallid hands and purple lips
    could not close bulging eyes
    why oh why oh why
    her sickened moan
    beautiful
    boy now
    gone

    This is a very moving, very topical piece, well done. In the hands of a lesser writer this could have been a mawkish mess as the writer attempts to drag every bit of emotion out of the readers. This is a great example of why you don’t need to do that to still get the full emotional impact. Excellent piece, most writers would be very proud to pen something this good.

    David


  • penman gold member
    May 14, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Wonderful

    I really enjoy this poem and I do feel you have a right to be proud of it. I like the creative form you used and the images you captured in the lines. It reflects a lot of effort and expression in this work. I can't say how the judge will view it, but I do wish you good luck in the contest.

  • Mercury Rising
    May 11, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    Exceptional

    This poem was very powerful and intense, Freed by Mercy, and is even more remarkable in that you managed to tell a poignant poetic narrative in quite a strict form. I'd give this poem a gold trophy in a heart beat. Really great.

    David

    • Freed by Mercy silver member
      May 11, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Really? That means a lot to me, David. My poem in this guy's last contest was ripped to shreds. Figured he'd do the same to this one. But I respect you highly as a poet, so it will sting less this time. Thanks!


  • myorama
    May 11, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I was lost for words at first as I pictured the scene. This was a real wake up call. I think the depth can be understood only by a mother. Very well written and expressive. Good luck in the contest. God Bless

  • pozo
    May 11, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Vivid description of the body here, I liked that. You made good use of alliteration and internal rhyme. This was a sad poem. I found it quite dark.
    Good luck in the contest.
    Pozo


  • AliceinPoetryLand gold member
    May 11, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    OMG! This is so sad Such emotion expressed in this.As a mother I find it so hard to contemplate that any child of mine had done this. It would be the most horrifyiny thing to happen.
    I think this is wonderfully penned indeed, taking the reader right through this journey fron the child's point of view , then to the mother's. So tragic.
    I'm not sure if punctuation is meant to be in this or not
    I wish you the very best in this contest
    Gaylene

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