The Beginning:
They lifted up the skies,
defining nature forever.
Collapsing darkness,
in a simple execution of
lost spaces.
Nature is Betrayed:
The children blew
wishes
off decaying stems.
And grew up,
in a world where nature
never kissed back.
[unless they found that secret place,
where you can hold onto beauty.]
Together they huffed
smoke into creations eye.
The Last Season:
Fortunate blades
sifted between
lava infections & lost seeds.
Goose-bumps whored
every inch of ground,
to become fruiting bruises.
Leaving behind
flat lands,
where no one
[not even those who
held on.]
could view the stars again.
Author notes
Please comment/critic!
peace to all ~flight
A contest entry
- Ready, Set, GO! - Round 1 - "Part Poetry" -Open to everyone! by AureateCorona.
500 points, ended July 27, 2007, 37 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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This is deep. My favorite part is: The children blew
wishes off decaying stems. And grew up,
in a world where nature never kissed back.
[unless they found that secret place,
where you can hold onto beauty.]
I wish you the best in this contest. Good luck.
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Thank you.
peace to all ~flight
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I don't know whether this is metaphorical truth, or fantasy. I think the brackets are unecessary, you could just include these phrases into the poem without the nusance of brackets, just my oppinion, I loved the imagery, attracted and seduced me. the last line of the second part blew me away. Like a more condensed form of why nature is depleting. I think you used the word "whored" totally out of context. It just doesn't seem right, it might confuse people. Though I like the image of "fruiting bruises". How can no one view the stars, I think if anything the star will be all humanity has left to hold onto the only beauty they have untouched by pollution and disgrace. great poem, very meaningful. good luck in the contest.
Chelsea Alexandra
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This for me is diffenatly metaphorical truth,
I think that if we don't take care of what we have
everything will vanish, even the stars.
The reason I had the stars dissapear is because of
the very fact you wanted them to stay, they are the last
thing, something that doesn't even belong to the earth
and we steal it as well as everything.
The brackets are only there to empasis those lines,
and really some people just don't like brackets
and I can understand that.
The reason I did "whored" is because it brings a bad
image to your head right away. Some words may not
ahve had negative pictures right away. Though I will
take that idea and think about it.
Thanks for your critical comment! I appriciate it!
peace to all ~flight
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very intesting take here. your first section is concise and exacted very nicely. your second section as well is written with strong diction and very clearly tells how "they" broke nature. your third section jolts just a bit in the transition though. but i'm rather on the fence as to that helping or hurting the poem. it hurts a little because its abrupt and shocks the reader a bit but its may actually help because you take such a swift 180 from where nature is created and peaceful to where nature is raped and destroyed which accentuates how sharp the change is.
i think the lines in [brakets] help very much in tieing together the ideas in the last two parts.
alltogether good write and good luck in the contest.
-AC-
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Thank you.
I can see both ways also,
on the helping/hurting ideas.
peace to all ~flight
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i love the format of the poem, it's so.....interseting to read you know?? well anyways great job!!
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Thanks dear!
peace to all ~flight
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