Like a meteor I'm burning
rushing through the atmosphere
let me crush into the orbit
let the ozone freeze my fear
Bastard child of sun and moon
floating naked in the dark
pain is just a vacuum
slowly tearing us apart
So I'll turn to stardust
You just wait and see
Turning into stardust
may just set me free
Stardust, let my heart run dry
as the sunlight burns through me
You are like the condensed water
ice that's eating through my skin
numbing pain while you destroy me
ripping tears for all my sins
So I'll turn to stardust
You just wait and see
Turning into stardust
may just set me free
Stardust, let my heart run dry
as the sunlight burns through me
In the end we're dying stars
black holes, screaming in the night
devastating all we touch
as we're reaching for the light
Stardust, let my heart run dry
as the sunlight burns through me
Author notes
My first poem here, haha. Song lyrics, inspired by the wonderful movie Sunshine. Anyone willing to write a melody?
A contest entry
- Enter Prewrites You Think Are Worthy Of Gold by KittieLyyn.
330 points, ended July 25, 2007, 43 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Prewrites Only by RedAquarius.
525 points, ended July 22, 2007, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - give me your favourites (prewrites allowed). by aeolia.
500 points, ended July 29, 2007, 57 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Prewrites by February Moon.
1750 points, ended July 31, 2007, 20 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - STARLIGHT by Rhythm Child.
440 points, ended December 18, 2008, 23 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 20 of 20
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i do like this
which would u rather have in the contest ? -
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I think I took the hint.
Thanks! 
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Great rhyme and rhythm, I enjoyed this a lot. Thank you for entering, and good luck to you.
Chelsea
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If this wasn't lyrics, I would have suggested a trim on the use of 'stardust', however lyrics are a slightly different animal from poetry (IMHO) and the repetition in the refrain works out alright.
Usually I'd also suggest trimming unnecessary words to tighten up the poem, but I'm waffling on whether it would help or hinder the flow as a song. When I say unnecessary words, I mean areas like:
"rushing through the atmosphere
let me crush into the orbit
let the ozone freeze my fear"
I'd remove all the 'the's to tighten it up the poem but I don't write lyrics so I'm not sure how it would affect a piece like the lyrics.
"You are like the condensed water
ice that's eating through my skin"
Condensed water is vapor - I have slight problem with wordage in these two lines. Perhaps change ice to acid? Just a thought.
The final quatrain and couplet are great, they wrap it all up and tie it together nicely.
Good luck in the contest. -
I am... begeistert(!!?)
You seem to have an amazing talent for rhythm in poetry, this one also flows very nicely. And I can't see any forced rhyming. I really like this, the content as well as the way it is written.
Keep up the fantastic work!!
Annie
Ahh... now I know what I was going to say... "I am in awe!"
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Thanks for the lovely comment! Good to see that I can begeister mit my Arbeit.
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in the third line, should crush be crash?
This was very cool, I really liked it. You have a great style of writing, and this was very original. Good luck with future writings, this one is great.
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Eh... hm... I... don't know? I'm not a native speaker and I didn't look it up, but now that I did, it seems like I might have confused those. Does crush work though? Anyway, thanks for the wonderful comment! Love your username by the way! ^^
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Welcome to Allpoetry.
This is good.
I liked:
"Ice that's eating through my skin
numbing pain while you destroy me
ripping tears for all my sins"
Great write.
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Thank you for the comment! Take a look at my other poetry maybe - I've got some (hidden) vampire/Anne Rice themes going, e.g. in Ambivalence, and that seems to be up your road.
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No problem.
Sure, I'll check out when I get a chance
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This was very creative and beautiful yet some what sad. Great rhym and awesome flow I liked it awesome job!!
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Thanks for the nice words.
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beautiufl, lots of lovely images poured into this, a truly wonderful write. congratualtions; you say this is your first write; it is very good!
congrats on a great write, and thank you very much for sharing
lucy
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Oh, nonono, not my first write. That would be Stargazer. This was just the first one I posted on this site. Thank you for the nice words! ^^
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WOW.
i LOVE this!!!! ballad! oh hell yes! lol i dont really like rhyme cause most of the time rhyme mammal with flannal {i dont even know how to spell it! lol} i mean people usually try to force rhyme. they just nees to let it roll out and just r e l a x
and thats what you did! i love this! its so smooth and amazing!!!! overall, this is amazing, this could win some contests for ya! lol
A W E S O M E {!} JOB!!!
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Thank you, thank you! I know what you mean about rhymes... however, it's very natural for me. I'm not half as good when I write without rhymes, because the urge to make something rhyme gives me words... which I can use to come up with pictures that I otherwise wouldn't think of. It sort of... creates itself. Hard to explain really. I admire the people who write wonderful poetry without actual rhyming, it just seems much harder to me.
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These are really effective lyrics that bring about some great imagery and intensity. An excellent choice for a first posting on this site! You show-cased a dynamic, unique style of writing with this one and I love the metaphor you had going on with it. Very nice thoughts and thought processes going on here. They have so much energy within. The chorus and verses flowed within and through each other nicely...wrapped together perfectly. Keep up the good work, and good luck getting a melody for it, too! Music is tough to write. lol.
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Thank you! Yeah, it's kind of... scary... what I come up with while doing the filing, lol. Thanks for all those nice words! I already feel welcome here! And keep an eye out... I've got some more lyrics floating in my orbit.
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