I'm So Afraid

I've never felt more alone,
more cold.
I've never felt this way,
it feels like I'm watching from a window,
and seeing the smiling faces,
and I'm not there.
I see the tear,
and feel the fear,
burning through me.
I can't help but feel afraid,
I hate this game.
I'm angry and at shame,
the cold pelting me like ice in a blizzard.
Black tends to fill my broken heart,
as I gaze past everything,
everyone.
I'm sorry dad and mom and my two sisters,
I hate that I'm making you angry,
all because of me.
I hate that you hate this,
the way I am today.
There is just so much pain held inside me,
I feel like everyone is rushing by,
and I'm to slow to catch up.
I'm feeling sad,
I want to cry.
I hate the way I am,
I hide it within.
Because,
I can't let people know,
who I truley am.
I try to love,
but I feel I am pretending.
I try to laugh,
but it sounds so fake.
I try,
but I can't.
I can pretend only for so much longer,
I'm afraid I'll crack,
fall to the ground,
burst into tears.
Can people see through my fake mask?
I can only wonder.
I'm trying to grow,
like a rose blooming.
But,
I feel I am doing the exact opposite.
I'm dying,
dying slowly,
and painfully.
I can't stop it,
I can only carry it out.
I don't belong here,
I'm not like all the smiling faces.
I'm different,
I don't want to smile anymore.
I want to let go those tears,
and finally feel the pressure in my eyes go away.
So,
I can let out a bright smile.
I'm so lost,
so lonely.
I'm so afraid.