(rough draft)
You rub my eyes open. Smear the little crust
of sleep over an eyelid, towards my ear,
pricked to hear the faint outline of your words--
We aren't lovers, anymore, but the outline;
wasn't goodbye, yet so close they are familiar
with each other's scent. Almost related.
You sweep my jeans, tattered sweatshirt
into a pile-- your movements frenzied
as you bark at me to hurry. I never know
if I should respond, so I wiggle into
the silent of last night and slink out the back door--
Author notes
if anyone feels the need to help workshop this... be my guest. This is the first rough draft of something... posting it here because I am bored.
Title stays.
it isn't a real poem, yet. first rough draft.
Comments
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want and needing.. aint it a bitch? When you think you have it under control and boom..
sorry your write spoke to my bad side.. damn that evil girl that lurks inside me..
Been there.. one of those make it hurt so good moments.
I like you raw like this, it comes across very primitive almost to the point where we can see you driving home cursing yourself.. and him
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Very animalistic.. i admit the beating chest gave me a cave woman image lol..
i like this, it's very... raw, and so almost feels slightly un-varnished, in a good way.
some odd words- wiggle, barking. That's nice.. poems nowadays often seem to be made up of the same words.. lie those poetry fridgemagnet things
hmm..
yes. My only critlca, is a completely useless one i like it when the line lengths of poems balamce out and it doesn't end on the line being a little shorter... so yea. But no, that is stupid..
Ummm.. lemme think. "scent. Almost related" I like the use of short sentences in the middle, it's effective.. but actually in this case the word 'scent' felt like the scents were cut off by the caesura.. in a way, maybe a ; would work? but again.. tiny point.
see, i'm useless
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Hmmmmm.
Hmmmmm.
Well if the title stays, the I think the tone of the poem will have to change.
I find it difficult to read the words “booty call” as other than comical, sardonic, or ironic.
The ideas in the collection of words below the title are loose enough now that although there are bits of irony, the tone feels mostly reflective or serious.
Pruning and getting some of the unnecessary words out of the way will help the tone emerge – at that point you will find the title appropriate, or else find the title belongs at the top of a different poem.
I won’t go through the entire poem, but here is a suggested direction to start compressing.
You rub my eyes open.
smear the little crust of sleep
so I wiggle
into the silent of last night's clothes
and slink out the back door-- again.
is for me the strongest lines in the poem and I wouldn’t change a thing other than that I always with my own works start with the last word and move backwards asking “is this absolutely necessary?”
Often a poem ends before the poet has finished writing and/or starts later than where the poet begins.
I don’t think this is true in this poem, but I am always suspicious of the oft used closing word “again.”
The reflective tone in the middle of this poem is lovely – the not quite lovers and yet often enough intimate – there is a real attempt here to share experience, which I think is at the heart of every poem.
Peace.
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