write a poem that excites
a reader the way you cause me
to tremble inside
at the mere thought
of
(I will not mention
more
except to say),
Old Seventy creek is
no more beautiful in its way
than your eyes when you do not divert them
tho its water captures open sky
it is no less beautiful than your body
I have never touched.
I will touch it with words,
hesitating ones,
words lightly pressing
against your softness,
words that are fingers
& lips exploring the vastness,
the unmapped universe
of the page
that you are.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 18 of 18
-
Wow, this is first class poetry. Exciting, crafty yet new. Last stanza is sublime: i will touch it with words, hesitating ones' this will stay with me.
Bravo my man.
-
Rudy
Quite frankly, I am beginning to believe you could melt polar caps with the way you write. It is so gentle yet there is an ache and a love that any reader who loves literature would respond to. You make for an interesting object lesson on how to infuse emotion in to your writing with minimalist brush strokes. It really is a fabulous style coupled with a considerable talent because the words land like butterflies yet they can penetrate the coldest hearts. Some trick. Its another great piece.
David
-
This has so much feeling, and longing in it...the way we all want to be loved, the way we yearn for our poems to speak to others...enjoyed this!
-
-
Thanks for projecting with this comment and understanding the yearn that poets have...
-
-
lovely ... words tumble down the page filling the final stanza with a wonderful moment ... so nicely done ... >>> gina
-
-
Thanks so much, gina, for reading an for this insightful comment...
-
-
This is one of those poems that would work better, in my ridiculous and obsequious opinion, if the title served as the first line of the poem. By getting rid of the first line, everything flows as it should.
Good poem, mt.
-
-
You are right, Jaden, and I keep forgetting that when I want the title to flow into the poem as part of the first stanza, I should not retype the title to double it... I shall edit at once...
-
-
Simply beautiful...everyone would want their love to write them something like this...and to have words pressed against them as gently as you did here.
~ Nicolette
-
-
You are so kind... Thanks...
-
-
Sometimes I think words - poetry, specifically - are as intimate a touch as any with the fingers (or other parts). Maybe more.
In this poem, I am still waiting for the finish to "If I never..." - I'm expecting the logical finish of "then...", or implied "then...." Maybe you left it out intentionally, or maybe the revery took you so far from it, the "if" was no longer relevant. I can't be sure.
If this poem has any of the devices I am so fond of looking for in your poems, I can't find them; it's more free-verse than many you have posted. There are some interesting line breaks, with "of" and "more" sitting there lonesome. I think that is for the purpose of building in breath and pause.
The metaphor is lovely . . . the words, the page.
Mmmm...
p.s. Ed is a thief, truly. The one-clap idea, he stole from me, though he seems to use it for a different reason. For me, it saves me from the "ranking" of poems. Applause is applause, for me. Here's some for you....
-
-
zara, I agree that words can be the most intimate of touches.
That you are still waiting for the finish to "If I never", that is part of the process for it will never be written so I used ()& the correct comma then moved into the second stanza without proper grammar.
Rather than my usual rhyming, I use beginning line/end line (write/excites)in the second line then internal (way) 3rd line with (say)9th line & repetition (way) 11th line.
Line 12 (eyes) internal & line 13 (sky) end-line rhymes...
Line 3 (me) and line 14 (body) are end-line rhymes...
Line 11 (no) & line 13 (tho) are internal & line 14 (no) repetition/internal rhyme...
In the final stanza, I use images to convey everything except for one last syllable internal rhyme (lightly) going backt to end-line rhymes in lines 3 & 14 (me)(body)...
I am glad to see that what I did threw you off, for it took more crafting to create this than I normally undertake...
I appreciate you... -
-
Ohhhh.
That I find fascinating, that this took more crafting than usual, yet the craft is less evident.
I have come to see two different kinds of contemporary poems (well, that's probably oversimplification, but it serves for this discussion) - those that focus on image and metaphor without concern for the sounds of the poem, and those which do both. Most of the time, in my own writing, I go for the latter. I'm a musician - a "sound" person - so the sounds come easily to me (almost to the point of distraction, really) and I end up with assonnance and consonnance without having to work a whole lot at it, much of the time.
What I have come to look for in your poems is the patterns of sounds, symmetry, a mathematical element. It's not that I didn't notice the rhymes in this poem, but that I didn't find a pattern. (Maybe the math is beyond me, LOL.)
I would love to continue discussion, if you have the inclination. In picking the brains of poets "in the know", I build confidence in my own instincts. I am in that awkward not-quite-beginnner-but-not-quite-professional stage...ya know?
Glad you appreciate.
-
-
-
This is great, Rudy. Wow. I think maybe I will steal the whole thing.
-
-
zara told me you were a thief, but aren't all poets?
-
-
I'm with you. Man, that forbidden pleasure sure does make a poet of us all.
A beautiful, subtle treatment of a subject very near my heart.
(I atavistically cling to the old one-applause-per poem in a pathetic attempt to curb inflation)
-
-
That Perry bastard is tight with his applauses!
-
You got the forbidden pleasure of the first stanza... I shall use an inflated applause for you...
1 2 3
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 18 of 18
