Just hearing the echos of my own screams
Feeling the force of my own heart
Pounding against my chest
Is enough to make me hate
Everything about myself
And right now I feel myself dying
So I hurt me
Hoping that I'm hurting you
I make myself sick
Hoping you feel sick knowing that you did this to me
Its not too late to pull me out of
The grave dug by my own hands
That were possessed by your own
Feeling how you felt about me
Just a surge of hate
Pushing me into the depths
Of a fiery oblivion
Author notes
Well this is my first 'ahhhhhhhhhhhggggggh' write in a while. I am aware that the title is crap-any suggestions?
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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i love it good job!
I wouldnt change anything about this poem!
Chels -
Keep the title
This is absolute prefection! I would not change a word. -
Its very...grim! No I do like it, especially 'So I hurt me, Hoping im hurting you'. Thats really true. Lots of mad images!! How about the title 'I Hurt Me'. Sounds silly yeah?!!..
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This is not the sort of poetry I usually read, but it has some originality that I quite enjoyed. Maybe title it 'Oblivion'? I have a few more suggestions, if I may. First, I would try to be a little more succinct with your wording and get rid of a few of the -ing words. For example, the beginning could be rephrased as: 'To hear the echoes of my screams/ and feel the force of my heart'. Another example, 'I hurt me / hoping that I'm hurting you' could be 'I hurt me / hoping to hurt you'. Furthermore I would reconsider a few of the line and stanza breaks to put some emphasis on words and phrases. For example, the ending could be: 'A surge of hate / to push me into the depths / of a fiery / / oblivion'. Also, I would use punctuation, but that's just my personal obsession. Thank you for the read.
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I think the title fits the poem. This was a well written poem and very heartfelt. If you need to talk then I am here for you to talk to I will be a willing listener.
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Good
I liked this poem, dark, but simple. I like dark poetry. I loved the way you were able to add some details to the feeling you are trying to show, expand by using more descriptive words by playing around with the powerful ones and your poem will be awesome. Thanks for sharing. Just look at my profile and pick a poem, or more then one to read, that will be fine. -
Outstanding write
Maybe "Depth of Hate" Just and ideal My friend. Your words are very powerful and deep with sadness. I can relate to your write sometimes life is harass and unfair. You really drew me to this piece. (Lisa)
"Its not too late to pull me out of
The grave dug by my own hands
That were possessed by your own
Feeling how you felt about me"
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this is my life...
I am seriously going through this kind of thing as I write this... I am jealous of how well you were able to portray these feelings... I am so suprised and happy you posted this... I read it just it time... thank you for making me feel that I am not alone in this battle over myself... thank you....
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I Love It!!!
I think this was a really great poem...And i totally LOVE the used so that helps to....
Please read my poem and tell me what you think of it!!!
http://allpoetry.com/poem/show/2917176 -
nice.
It's not bad for something based on The Used song. I like it. It's very creative. Awesome write!
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amazing
so ive not been on ap for quite a while......I waded through the usual notes and complete coincidently clicked on this poem......I've got to be honest I wasnt expecting much but this is true good......The title is a bit of a cliche and I dont have any suggestions sorry...but thats where the ciche's end......This poem is full in depth and the imagery is really trmendous.......There is great thought and inteligance in this poem.....my favourite line is
So I hurt me
Hoping that I'm hurting you
This is just an amazing line, a real nugget of gold.....keep up the good work and I hope to read more of your dark, eluring poetry...
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amazing
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somtimes you need to escape into that 'ahhhhhhhhhhhggggggh'moment in life to get to that 'ahhhhhhhhhhhh' feeling. this poem expresses hate and yet a need. a need to be held by those arms. a need to just cry out, and i think you have expressed some strong and powerful emotions,you know a part of me thinks the title fits the poem. thou some may not, this is poem in my eyes is golden. and the title seems to fit the emotion of it, but if you wish to change it, that is your right as it's creator. keep it flowing.
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dark poem
I like the feeling in it, I would structure it differently though , smaller lines, it would present the power of what you want to say in this modern poem..like this..actually could be like a song from
Pink Floyd style Led Zeppelin..
Killing me (The unforgiven..remember that song)
You're Killing me,
Just hearing the echos
Of my own screams
Feeling the force of my heart
Pounding against my chest
Is enough to make me hate
Everything about myself
And right now I am dying
(chorus)
You're Killing me,
Just hearing the echos
Of my own screams
Feeling the force of my heart
It hurts me
Hoping that I'm hurting you
Do you feel what you did to me
Its not too late,to pull me out
(chorus)
You're Killing me,......Am( A minor chord)
Just hearing the echos..C major
Of my own screams.......D major
Feeling the force of my heart...C major/E minor
This grave dug by my own hands
That were possessed
By your own feelings
And how you felt about me
You're Killing me,
Just hearing the echos
Of my own screams
Feeling the force of my heart
that's what i see in this song poem..
now lets break out the electric guitars babe..
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i agree with her ! i like the title, great poem!!
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actually, the title kinda fits it. i LOVE the poem. yea, i can see where the song inspired you a little. i've done something like from the used too. mine was a little longer but not as good as this one. i like it. keep up your awesome poems!!
loves... *kitty*
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