Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read • Contests • Groups • Learn • Forums • Store • Help
 

The Knave

Oh foolish eyes, why dost thou search in vain?
Her laughter ringing still, tormenting ears.
Each second strives to pierce my empty vein,
Heartache, from Cupid’s arrows, splintered spears,

This knave discovered, but it was too late,
No more the chance to gaze on her sweet face.
My thirst, her gentle kiss, no more will sate.
My skin won’t feel her fingers' tender trace.

What price is love? Such power is bought by wealth.
My heart lies broken, cruelly cast aside.
For this poor knave, has surely fooled himself.
In love's dark grave, is where I now reside.

While Cupid plays his game, to oft amuse,
His arrows barbed, I wait my fate, he'll choose.




In a list

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 10 of 10

  • Aedara-Wren silver member
    May 3

    Edit | Reply
    A poem in the old courtly love tradition, complete with love sickness, fate and dear old cupid. This really reminds me of a slightly more modern version of old sixteenth/seventeenth century love poems. This really conveys that strong sense of loss.


  • Epistomolus silver member
    June 12, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    You have a great facility with iambic pentameter. Where you have spondees, they fit the tone and message. You either have a very well trained ear or you are quite the craftsperson.

    I'd forgive you for the missing apostrophes, but you do use one in the first stanza. So I'd follow through with "feel her fingers' tender trace," "In love's dark grave," "I wait, love's arrows, barbed, my fate to choose."

    You do so well with the rhyme and meter that it's a shame to have a couple of grammar twists in there.

    "My thirst, her gentle kiss, will no more sate"
    "While Cuppid plays his game, to oft amuse,
    I wait, loves arrows, barbed, my fate to choose."

    Just as an example, you can say something very similar there at the end without having to convolute the sentences, something like:

    While Cupid stalks this fool, I sit and wait.
    His pointed little barbs will seal my fate.

    (As always with the disclaimer that my lines aren't better, I'm just demonstrating what I'm trying to describe.)

    Thank you for showing this on the Rhyme and Meter Workshop reading list. Your skill with both are going to be a great inspiration to the group. :-)


  • ma belle
    June 4, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This was a wonderful sonnet. So pleased you took the edits to heart, making it in the preliminaries--well deserving. Thank you for commenting on my poem, too. You were most thoughtful. My best, Belle


  • Jadon
    June 2, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    "cruelly cast aside"!

    Treated cruelly by the knave who is Cupid is how I see things as he stole from the "broken heart" the object of affection.
    Some great lines in here which I see others have commented on already, but I wish to acknowledge. My favourite verse is the third, which develops the loss and amplifies the treachery of the knave.
    Thank you for your entry and all the best in the contest . Jadon


  • mamad gold member
    May 27, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    I forgot to tell you. Cuppid is a boy. The edit does it.


  • mamad gold member
    May 26, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Lines 9 and 11 are near rhyme normally not acceptable by me but I like the poem and it would take a major edit to fix. Lines 13 and 14 do not rhyme. Easy fix. End line 13 with "to amuse."


  • Dark Whispers
    May 13, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    this was a great entry,you have alot of talent esspecially with rhyming. thanks for entering and this wonderful poem.


  • Pamela A Lamppa silver member
    May 10, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    A lovely sonnet. Truly a beautiful pleasure to read. Much prettier than the quote ~Pamela


  • sassylilpoet silver member
    May 10, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Wonderful read!, I like it all...but 4 lines that would stand all on their own are: Accept,we'll never meet agian. Her laughter rings, tormenting ears. Heartache,loves arrows, splintered spears. Each second pierce my empty vein. ( I love those lines)..good luck in the contest.


  • Recluse Writer gold member
    May 10, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Really enjoyed this read hon.
    Wishing you well in the contests
    Linda

1 - 10 of 10